Moody Husband Issues

[Lulu19881]

Bit of back story - I have a dysfunctional family, and whilst I’ve never fallen out with my parents, I have an estranged sister who has. I also have a very moody Husband, who has been with me through all the family issues, so he is aware.

My Husband has been moody and sensitive our entire marriage and I always just accepted that it was him. However, we now have a 3 year old and I have much less patience. I do everything for our son, I do 90% of chores, and I also work.

My Husband has become even more moody and I can’t tolerate it as much now. He is also moody about small things, such as when things break (he is building a toy car and that’s been a huge factor for the moods recently)

It’s hard to describe the moods, but I guess they give me anxiety because the atmosphere in our home changes. He is quiet, snappy, bangs things.. and whilst his mood isn’t (always) ABOUT me or anything I’ve done.. it feels that he’s taking it out on me. I also feel that at 40+ being in moods about silly things is… silly.

He will now be in a mood about anything - losing work, things breaking in the house, if I talk to him with a tone or snap, if my son does something naughty, to much minor things. The moods are severe and most likely way more severe than they need to be for the issue.

I also really worry about my son picking up on it, I worry about leaving him with him if he’s having a moody day. I walk on egg shells.. I don’t want my son to do the same.

Anyway, my parents came over recently, he was having a moody day. I told him, please PLEASE just be normal and happy. HE DIDNT! He was moody and snappy, my Dad made a joke with him and he said it upset him… so he was rude and moody to them.

My parents do a lot for us - they are the only people we trust looking after our child, and they have done this to support my husbands work (they have never looked after him for anything to do with me, always my husband) they have given us money, helped with our home.. always made my husband feel welcome. He has snapped at them a few times, if they buy anything for my son.. he hates it, if its something big his concern is “where will it go?!” Rather than how much our son loves it. Sometimes I feel like he’s jealous, I’m not sure.

They are now upset, worried about me and it has created friction that I simply do not need, after years of friction (things with my family have finally calmed and we were all happy)

Now my parents are telling me next time they see him, they will say something to him as he has done a few things like this before. I agree that he was wrong, but I also worry that he won’t be polite if they do this..

My parents have also stopped coming to our home, as he made them feel unwelcome.

This has put pressure on me to always meet them out instead.

My Husband doesn’t think what he did was a big deal, he’s moved on.. yet behind him is a storm brewing. My parents annoyed, me anxious and upset, a toddler who I dont want caught up in it all.

If I talk to him about it, guess what? He’ll be moody all day (or row with me)

I’m so stuck, so low, so sad. I want my life, I don’t want to leave my home.. but I also don’t want to live with this person that is so moody, doesn’t pull his weight, can’t reason with.. and is rude to people he shouldn’t be.

Any advice? :(

My first ever LTB. This is a horrible home environment for your young child.

Genuinely, LTB. Life is far too short to deal with someone who has so little empathy and respect for you and your family.

It must be making you feel ill, such crushing anxiety. Always having to be on high alert, watching what you say, second guessing what might upset him. It's no way to live and your child will already be picking up on the atmosphere. My dad was like your husband. My mum did all she could to dilute his moods, to make a happy home but I had a miserable childhood because of my dad and it took me decades to stop walking on egg shells around everyone in my life. For your son's sake, leave this awful man.

Have a read of this book and see if you recognise your husband in there.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

He’s controlling the entire household with his moods. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s doing it because it benefits him. It gives him all the power and all the control. That’s why you’re walking on eggshells and anxious all the time. What is your child learning from this? What kind of role model is your husband for your child? This is not a healthy environment for you or your child. Could you move in with your folks for a bit whilst you seek legal advice about splitting the marital assets?

Also, he’s deliberately alienating your parents because again, it’s all about control. Of course he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s achieved his objective. How dare he make you feel you can’t have your parents and your son’s grandparents in your own home. I bet you can’t have friends over either.

This sounds horrible. Sadly I don't think it is likely to improve.

A friend left a partner for similar reasons and doesn't regret it one bit.

Why would you stay with somebody who treats you so poorly that other people see it. You’re still young, only one child you need to leave before it gets worse. This will not get better. He’s angry about something and it’s not responsibility to be his punching bag especially with a young child. It sounds like your parents see, take their advice and get out before you bring anymore children and responsibilities into your marriage. I wish you luck for some reason, once a man starts treating you like crap it will never go back to normal.

He sounds awful and petulant.

Stick around. There will be plenty more LTBs to come.

I hope the sheer act of writing your post has clarified for you that your marriage is really unbearable and dead in the water.
Rescue your child from this environment as quickly as possible.
You are lucky to have supportive parents.
Good luck.

He a fucking bullying prick.

He doesn’t deserve a family/home life OP.

File for divorce, tell your parents, don’t sink anymore money into the house, he will get half most likely. It’s just a house it’s not a home. You might be able to buy him out who knows.

Get the ball rolling to freedom.

Yes he might have helped you in the past, but hey you and your parents have helped him get half a home and you have born him a son. I would call that evens. So don’t feel obliged OP.

Seriously, LTB. I spent 25 years trying to appease exDH, always second guessing his moods, listening to him ranting when his football team lost or when a minor thing went wrong at home.
I am much happier, albeit poorer on my own at 54. He’s still managing to cause me distress by threatening suicide which is terribly upsetting for my adult son, and so I am still having to look out for him as he has no family who bother with him ( wonder why?).
Anyway that’s enough about me , start planning a happier future for yourself and your little one , sounds like you’ve got great supportive parents who will help you navigate a path through . The very best of luck to you .

He's isolating you. Your parents have obviously had enough.

You and your son deserve a happy relaxed home where you aren't walking on eggshells. He's not going to change, he'll probably get worse and he's made your family life into a trial.

He's not 'moody' he's abusive.

Being made to live in a house like this is so damaging to a child. I speak from experience.

The only words you should say to this man are 'I'm divorcing you. Here's the login details to a parenting app.'
and have nothing more to do with him.

The entire point of him is to cherish you, to make your life easier, fun and peaceful. He's worthless.

Yep. Divorce. He sounds like a bloody nightmare and you, and your son deserve better than living around a manchild.

His sulking behaviour is an example of emotional abuse and your own dysfunctional family laid the groundwork into you choosing this man as a husband. He now succeeding in isolating you from your support network here ie your parents is another tactic in the abuser's arsenal. The only good to have come of your relationship at all with him is your child.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Do not have him walking on eggshells aka living in fear going forward either as you are now doing. Set yourself and your son free by commencing the divorce process via a local firm of Solicitors.

Your current H is not going to make the process of divorcing him at all easy and will likely be as obstructive as possible. He will remain just as abusive post divorce but at least neither you or your son will have to put up with this from him day in and day out. Contact Womens Aid too for further support.

Threatening suicide is abusive controlling behaviour and you are experiencing post separation abuse. You are not responsible for him. He’s a grown man. He could seek medical help if his mental health is poor however, I suspect he’s just using it as a tool to further abuse you. Most men of that age who are suicidal sadly don’t tell anyone and instead take fatal action. I would advise you to speak to women’s aid and get support to get legal protections in place for you to finally get him out of your life. I would suggest a non mol order. There is no need for him to be in your life now that your shared children are adults. If he contacts you threatening suicide again, call the police and have them do a welfare check and then you will have passed on the duty of care to them. Your duty to him is over. His choices are his own as a grown man. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Well done for leaving.

@TipsyJoker thank you . This isn’t my thread but there are practical reasons ( historic shared dog which has a fairly short future timeline) why I need to maintain contact . And to support my son who is clearly out of his depth.
your comments are very insightful as I hadn’t seen it as a continuation of abuse.

OP I hope you have taken strength and resolve from the support on this threat , and will do what you think is right for you .

You are walking on eggshells and his behaviour and moods is abusive both for you and your child. Seriously. Contact Women’s Aid and make plans and end it. You and your child deserve better.

Listen to your parents. They seem to love you and want to help you. They have spotted that the situation is abusive. You shouldn't have to constantly navigate your husbands emotions like this. If he pisses off your parents he pisses them off.. thats his responsibility. You are covering up for him.
Go and talk it through with your parents. I hope that with their support you can find a way to leave this man.
It is absolutely not in your child's best interests to stay with him. You aren't protecting your child from anything.. merely modelling to him that it's ok for a man to treat a woman that way and that she will just compensate for it. Is this what you want to show him about relationships? What would you say to him if he were in your shoes? Would you want him to bend over backwards to keep the peace? To put up with the constant tension and misery? To do 90% of the household chores for someone who doesn't appreciate it?
Your husband is absolute dead weight.
Please leave this situation and go into a future where you are happy.

He's an abuser.

LTB.

You are not the only one to experience this and have to come to the realisation that you are in an abusive relationship. Have a read of @jamaisjedors old posts. There was another poster who posted extensively afterwards, but I can't remember now, sorry. You will get through this. There is light on the other side of the tunnel. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H

My mums used to blow up over things and then move on fast and be annoyed that we couldn't get over it as fast. I once just said to her it's like you're a nuclear blast and when the blast has died down the damage remains and takes longer to clean up, as her attitude was well I got it out time to forget. Your husband is like a bloody storm cloud raining on everything then wondering why everyone's unhappy in his wake, he's the common denominator.

He sounds like he needs to control his environment minutely and you obviously can't do that if you're in a family and have other breathing, thinking beings around you. He needs to stop being so bloody selfish, walking on eggshells is a horrible way to live. Your child will notice too as they grow and be effected by it. Honestly doesn't sound like a salvageable situation though.

You and your poor child are in a horribly abusive relationship and house.
Stop having children with a man that is a bullying abusive prick.

Contact Women's aid.
Of course this is going to fxxk up your child.
How can it not.

Your child will have anxiety, depression and god knows what from being reared in the home of a house terrorist.

Get organised.
Ask to stay with your parents while you get organised and divorce this abusive prick.

You cannot fix him.
Get out.
Get that poor child out.

Time to go before it gets worse.