Lonely and newly married

[MellowMauveFawn]

We have been married less than a year and I can’t believe how lonely I feel. We both work full time and have 3 kids between us. My other half is out every night until at least 8.30 sometimes 10.30 between kids sports, looking after dad, cleaning his car, running after other people. I had a very different life before with meal times, discipline and structure and it’s all gone. There’s been no compromise when blending families. We have so many other issues going on with his kids like drug use alcohol and general bad behaviour but after being dismissed and ignored on advice I adopted nacho parenting and it’s working for me. But our marriage is so broken. If we do try and plan something for us it’s always around other things he feels he has to do, so he squeezes in an hour or so and he is always on his phone. No flirting or fun as he’s always so tired from running about. I have come to the conclusion he doesn’t want to be in the house and will find things to do to avoid being home. What can I do to fix this? I try to provide a safe happy home but I’m battling my own head and feelings the whole time. I do all the house work and pet care. How else do I get him to appreciate me and want to spend time together that’s meaningful. Please help

do you have your own children? If you do id leave because this sounds shit fir them. If you dont, still leave because who needs a husband who doesnt give a crap?

Sometimes nobody is to blame but it just so happens that things done work out as you had hoped. Perhaps you have different expectations of family life. Keep calm and plan to leave this man. Seek to make a happy home for yourself and your children.

Whose idea was it to get married?.

You cannot make him appreciate you more nor fix this on your own; you need his input as well. He seems and is more bothered with other people than you. I would seriously consider if this is a marriage you actually want to remain in.

Does your now H support you fully here re nacho parenting?.

Be tired of being the last person who matters here.

@MellowMauveFawn @DorothyStorm is perhaps a little brutal about this, but fundamentally right, it sounds like he has too much going on in his life to make sufficient space for you. Talk to him about it. Have a calm rational conversation, explain clearly what you expect of him, and if you don't get the response you need, leave him to his busy life. I'm sorry there is no magic fix here. Family life is challenging, but if he can't make time for you then he clearly doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved.

Unfortunately you can't make someone appreciate, love and value you.

You can communicate how you're feeling and if they don't do anything to change or fix the situation then that's your answer. Don't waste years hoping someone will change, they never do.

Drug and alcohol abuse in the home would mean I leave with my child or children or he leaves with his. It sounds like he got married to have you doing everything around the house and that is not likely fixable.

Who owns the home?

We joint own the home. My kid sees his two and (thankfully) sees that’s as not what to do. She’s a cracking kid and is flying at life. He knows I nacho parent as we had a discussion about how hard it was for me to support his kids and not be supported by his actions. It was a joint decision to marry. We had both been through a lot and found each other to be a positive. Just seems he’s settled and given too much freedom to do what he likes - probably because I make it easy for him - I guess I try too hard to please

@MellowMauveFawn you are not hard to please, don't make excuses for how he is treating you. How were things before you moved in etc? Was he treating you ok? Paying you the right attention? Feels like now he has you he has stopped putting effort in. That's not acceptable to hook someone with no intention of maintaining that x

It sounds like he didn’t want a life parther, he wanted staff at home. Someone to do all the housework and pet care for free.

If he really wanted to spend time with you, he would.

Im sorry, I know that sounds very harsh . In fact it is harsh. But it’s the reality so you might as well grasp it now, so you can make an informed decision about what you want to do.

How much of your life do you want to waste waiting for things to change ?

Hint - they won’t, soon as his dad gets better or his kids move out / get clean / get sober there will be a new issue / project . Ask me how I know 😥😥

@GarrynotsoGorilla yeah it’s like he’s happy now. How do I get that back? Stop doing everything? Then the guilt hits lol I know I can be my own worst enemy and I’ve got myself into this position.

@OliveThe0therReindeer I guess there’s a huge part of me would feel like I’m failing and I should just accept it and get on with it. I have a great job that I love and I play sport so I have my outs so maybe I focus on them? Then what’s the point of a marriage. It’s definitely a flat mate arrangement with cleaner duties haha

It does sound as if he doesn't want a wife - he wants a free housekeeper and someone to share paying the mortgage with! I don't know you, but I would bet you deserve way better than this guy. I'd move on. You don't have kids together thankfully! You and your dd will be way happier without him and his dcs

It is not up to you to get that back it is down to him to make sure he is invested in you properly and he shows his love (if he does) properly. You are not your own worst enemy, you have just made a choice that didn't work out. That happens. You do the things you do because they need doing and he is not, you can't make up for someone else failing, you can only highlight them and hope they change x

I'd back off making his life so easy for him for a while. So do your thing and look after your DC and withdraw from doing everything else for him until he steps up and takes responsibility for sharing stuff at home. So he does his own laundry for him and his DC, prepares their meals and takes a turn with the pet care. If he is the bees knees to everyone else and constantly doing things for them it might be a shock for him realise that he has a wife at home that he needs to appreciate more. Marriages take work on the part of both partners but he seems to have checked out and still got the good bits of life running relatively smoothly at home because you do it all. You certainly deserve better treatment.

That might sound reasonable if you were in your 80s, with shared children and grandchildren , a lifetime of happiness together and completely entwined lives. I can see that in that case you might want to “settle” and keep busy with your own life, hobbies and sports.

But you’ve only been married for a few months, you have no shared kids and no shared past of any significance. Do you really want to feel unloved and lonely with no fun or affection for the next 40 or 50 years ( and deal with his family issues ) just because you don’t want to admit to yourself that it’s not worked out?

It’s ok to fail, we all make mistakes. It’s how we deal with them that matters.

You can stay and spend decades trying to change who he is a person an make you both unhappy. Or you can accept that what he wants from a marriage and what you want are two different things, so you are not compatible.