Spark

[osed]

I’m mid 30s. Have 3 beautiful (young) children. A home, a good job and a loving family. Blessed right!!
Ive never really had a spark/deep connection/chemistry with my partner.
he's a good dad, good home keeper, best friend but no matter how hard I wish it was there… there is just no desire. We bicker like cat and dog. The qualities I find attractive are driveness, and vibrancy. I like to do, I don’t want life to pass me by. On the opposite end he is a plodder who is quite happy with mundane.
I ask myself do I spend my life living with my friend, for my children as I have nothing really to moan about. Does the spark exist? Will I find it? Or is it a trade for some other issue? Will I spend my life alone?
either way I worry when my kids are grown I’m either going to be lonely in a relationship or lonely and alone.
everyone I know who has come out of a relationship has had a real reason to. I feel like a fraud as I have nothing to moan about - I’m just not madly in love.

No advice but thought I’d give you a handhold and a bump

He sounds lovely. A lot of people post here about their absolutely appalling partners and I think many would be delighted to have what you have. That doesn't help how you feel, but I would think long and hard before leaving a good man you love in search of a mysterious unknown that may not exist.

Yea of course the spark exists. I think if you had it pre kids then there's a chance of working to get it back but if you never had it to begin with it's never going to happen.

I dont or never believed in true love or being in love with anyone.
Maybe because of the following.
Ive never been in love so i dont know what it is really ive loved but not been in love with anyone.
I do believed there is a difference with loving someone and being inlove.
Connections chemistry sparks i understand it but to me it just sounds like science.
I sound like a right nutter now thats typed up lol.

Sparks do exist but it is no indicator of longevity in a relationship. It can fizzle out very quickly.

Rather have a plodder who is a good man than a tempestuous relationship again

A spark doesn't mean it'll last. A spark can fizzle put quite quickly. It doesn't mean someone will be a good partner or will be faithful.

However, if you feel you have 'settled' for him, I'd be uncomfortable with that. I wouldn't want to be settled for and I wouldn't do it to someone else either.

What's the sex like? That's the big one for me. It doesn't matter how often it happens as long as you want it to happen when it does.

A spark isn't everything.

All the qualities you describe in him will mean you and your children will have a good life.

Can you work on the bickering - perhaps that will allow the spark to reignite if you aren't arguing?

What's the alternative? Breaking up your family and possibly not ever finding your spark or worse, ending up on a worse relationship?

I have been in love in my early 20s and inevitably ended up heartbroken. So I do know how it feels. Unfairly to him I think I got to near 30 met someone who is utterly lovely and panicked thinking I would end up alone and just got swept away in it all. I can’t paint a bad light on him, the issues are all with me. I just miss the feeling of desire and having a connection with someone beyond friendship and a shared love of our children. We are rarely intimate and it’s not something I ever really want.
im sure I will face judgement. I’m here for unbiased impartial advice. I want my children to grow up knowing what affectionate love is but I also don’t want them to have broken home due to my selfishness.
to reiterate I do love him. Deeply. Am just not “in love”

I could have written the OP - you have my sympathies.

It's a bit of a life sentence really and I know the feeling all too well.

@osed : you are honest about your role in this at least

only you can decide what to do

i see some people in your situation grow to resent their partners: but it seems like you made a choice (in order to have a family) so I would try to focus on the positive in your situation

You have to weigh up how much each means to you: Having a spark with someone vs a secure, comfortable relationship. I've had both. For me, the spark and chemistry makes me feel alive. For others, what drives them is security for themselves and their family.