I am scared that past will hunt me down till my last day

BeHonestHiker · 2025-02-12T16:26:11+00:00

Three months ago I admitted to my boyfriend of 4 years that at the beginning of the relationship I kissed someone else. He forgave me and our relationship is so good now, we are in the process of moving in together. He never asked for any details of my cheating and I have never told him. He was hurt because I have never told him that but we moved on. Now I am afraid that someone from that time will bring that up somehow, I don't have contact with these people anymore but my anxiety goes that far that I think about how someone could get a job at the same office as him and tell him something about it and he will be hurt again. I am not afraid of him finding out the details, if he wanted to know back then I would have told him, I am just afraid of hurting him again. I believe these people don't think about me at all, especially not about that one thing that happened, but my anxiety is so strong. I don't know if this is because I have so many things changing in my life right now and because I am a little bit under a stress because of other things, but I need something to feel easier and better about myself.

SoScarletItWas · 12/02/2025 16:28

He’s forgiven you. If it was only a kiss, he already knows all he needs to.

What do you mean by ‘details’? Does he know the person?

I think you should move in and not let it spoil where the relationship is now.

PiastriThePastry · 12/02/2025 16:30

Did you not actually tell him the whole story? Because if you have been open and honest now and he’s chosen to forgive you then I have no idea why you’re stressing. Nothing anyone could tell him would be a shock, surely?

Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 16:34

PiastriThePastry · 12/02/2025 16:30

Did you not actually tell him the whole story? Because if you have been open and honest now and he’s chosen to forgive you then I have no idea why you’re stressing. Nothing anyone could tell him would be a shock, surely?

I told him how it was, I'm not sure why I feel this way, he knows when did it happen and who the person is but he didn't want to know more. I am not sure why I am this anxious about it, I just don't want to hurt him somehow

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MayaPinion · 12/02/2025 16:36

So you kissed someone four years ago at the beginning of your relationship and you’re worried about it now? What do you think could possibly happen? And why would it matter?

GarrynotsoGorilla · 12/02/2025 16:36

If you were completely honest about what happened and there is no more to find out then accept he has been able to move on and he grateful.
You can't spend life worrying about things that may never happen. Worry only about those that are definitely happening!

Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 16:43

MayaPinion · 12/02/2025 16:36

So you kissed someone four years ago at the beginning of your relationship and you’re worried about it now? What do you think could possibly happen? And why would it matter?

I don't know, I am more worried about that bringing it up again sometimes in the future that it will hurt him again.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2025 16:47

This isn't about a kiss. It's about anxiety.

theboffinsarecoming · 12/02/2025 16:48

Nobody else will either remember or care who kissed who four years ago.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 12/02/2025 16:48

It may hurt him again, but if there is nothing new to add it will hurt him less, and time will make that less too. The more secure he is with you the less it will be an issue. If it ever becomes one which is probably unlikely.

MyPrettyLittleBella · 12/02/2025 16:50

He has forgiven you, now you must forgive yourself! You are human and to err is human. This isn't something that any sensible person would speak about again, anyway. It would be pretty tactless and mean. You have to put this away.

loropianalover · 12/02/2025 16:51

So, someone from your past might approach you both and say ‘OP kissed John’ and you’ll say ‘Yes I know’ and your bf will say ‘Yes I know’ and….? That would be that.

I agree with PP this is not about the kiss, it’s about your anxiety. Work on that and figure out why you can’t let go, why you’re punishing yourself.

whatawonderfultime · 12/02/2025 16:56

He's over it so the question is why aren't you?

Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 16:57

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2025 16:47

This isn't about a kiss. It's about anxiety.

I have a problem with anxiety but usually I can't tell why by myself, it is usually something hidden in me and not the thing that is torturing my brain.

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Boomer55 · 12/02/2025 17:02

If you only kissed someone, there’s really no need for any drama. 🤷‍♀️

theboffinsarecoming · 12/02/2025 17:03

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 16:57

I have a problem with anxiety but usually I can't tell why by myself, it is usually something hidden in me and not the thing that is torturing my brain.

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Have other people brought up things from the past and used them as a weapon against you, such as during an argument in your family or in a previous relationship?

Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 17:05

theboffinsarecoming · 12/02/2025 17:03

Have other people brought up things from the past and used them as a weapon against you, such as during an argument in your family or in a previous relationship?

Show quote history

One time when I was little my best friend brought something up like that, but that was the only time

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HappyintheHills · 12/02/2025 17:13

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 17:05

One time when I was little my best friend brought something up like that, but that was the only time

Show quote history

That was when you were both little and learning how to treat people.
You’ve learned it’s not a good way to behave, your friend probably has by now too.
It’s highly unlikely your lovely DH will ever bring it up, and if he did he would be being unreasonable, so it’s ok to relax about it.

Seaoftroubles · 12/02/2025 17:17

OP, you are over thinking massively about something that most likely won't ever happen, and even if it did its not a problem as your boyfriend is aware of it and chose to accept it. Please consider having a chat to your GP about how your anxiety is affecting you, you may benefit from some medication or some therapy to help you manage it.

Eiregirl1980 · 12/02/2025 17:28

I have OCD …. Sounds a bit similar . You’re ruminating on an intrusive thought. Check out ERP . (exposure response prevention)
thoughts are not real , but can cause huge anxiety. All the best. You’re safe and all is well. Acknowledge the thought and say “ oh that’s an interesting story line and leave it go. The more you give it light the more it grows. Look up Ali grey …. She’s on YouTube /instagram my ocd therapist models her therapy from her .
whether you have OCD or not. , it’s just a scary thought NOTHING More xxxx

AmusedOpalShaker · 12/02/2025 17:30

R-OCD.

Eiregirl1980 · 12/02/2025 17:35

Just keep disregarding the thought and don’t feed it. It will soon disappear . Your brain thinks this thought is really important because you’re emotionally responding , so you’re giving it energy where you’re trying to “ solve “ this scenario. But in all truth it’s just a scary thought.
and try and take the fear away. You have to tell yourself yeah so what if this person reminds your boyfriend about a kiss in the early days before you even knew If you liked your boyfriend enough to continue dating . ( plus it would look bizarre on the person mentioning btw , like get a life! ) you did nothing wrong hun. And you EVEN told your BF . But it sounds like a touch of OCD to me which involves “ confessing “ about non events and issues etc .
youve done nothing wrong . Keep disregarding and the storyline will burn out xxx.

Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 17:35

Eiregirl1980 · 12/02/2025 17:28

I have OCD …. Sounds a bit similar . You’re ruminating on an intrusive thought. Check out ERP . (exposure response prevention)
thoughts are not real , but can cause huge anxiety. All the best. You’re safe and all is well. Acknowledge the thought and say “ oh that’s an interesting story line and leave it go. The more you give it light the more it grows. Look up Ali grey …. She’s on YouTube /instagram my ocd therapist models her therapy from her .
whether you have OCD or not. , it’s just a scary thought NOTHING More xxxx

I have never looked it up, I will now. I always look for some reassurance when I'm like this.

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Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 17:38

Eiregirl1980 · 12/02/2025 17:35

Just keep disregarding the thought and don’t feed it. It will soon disappear . Your brain thinks this thought is really important because you’re emotionally responding , so you’re giving it energy where you’re trying to “ solve “ this scenario. But in all truth it’s just a scary thought.
and try and take the fear away. You have to tell yourself yeah so what if this person reminds your boyfriend about a kiss in the early days before you even knew If you liked your boyfriend enough to continue dating . ( plus it would look bizarre on the person mentioning btw , like get a life! ) you did nothing wrong hun. And you EVEN told your BF . But it sounds like a touch of OCD to me which involves “ confessing “ about non events and issues etc .
youve done nothing wrong . Keep disregarding and the storyline will burn out xxx.

Thank you so much for this comment, I feel better after reading it. I'll definitely work on it :)

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Eiregirl1980 · 12/02/2025 17:43

i had undiagnosed OCD since 16 and went to hell and back without knowing what was wrong with my brain. The amount of intrusive thoughts I had and ruminated on … it nearly took me to th brink and OCD is not widely understood.
i wish you all the best . Remember thoughts are not reall!! ❤️❤️❤️

Original poster

BeHonestHiker · 12/02/2025 18:07

Eiregirl1980 · 12/02/2025 17:43

i had undiagnosed OCD since 16 and went to hell and back without knowing what was wrong with my brain. The amount of intrusive thoughts I had and ruminated on … it nearly took me to th brink and OCD is not widely understood.
i wish you all the best . Remember thoughts are not reall!! ❤️❤️❤️

I will definitely looked it up and talk to my therapist about it. Thank you!❤️

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