Help me make sense of this petty arguement

[Yingyangwoo]

DH and I are having a bit of a difficult time just now. One of the things he complains about it how “everyday conversation” turns into something frosty/defensive/challenging.

The example he gave today (is very petty, I warn you) I was folding clothes. He came in to help and said that the coat hangers (which I recently purchased) are too big and stretch the children’s clothes. I replied with “only if you force them in through the neck”, he said no as they’re too broad and leave the arms “weird” and that was the end of the conversation.

Talking about this today, he said he felt like I took the comment personally and reacted. I said that putting the clothes away is very much my role and it felt like he was coming in with an “I know best” kind of attitude.

i know this is all very pathetic, but we have some big issues at the moment and this kind of daily petty thing is happening ALL THE TIME. Help me make sense of it?

The example about the clothes shopping is horrible. Any decent partner would buy the clothes you like. It sounds like you can't win with him. Whatever you do will be wrong.

Do you still have a social life away from him? Do you not see abuse because you do what he wants all the time?

I think you’ve become inured to his abuse of you because it’s been going on for so very long. The more you write about him
the worse he sounds. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comments when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. And NO he is not a good dad or h to you and your kids respectively.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. At the very least you do not want to show them a joyless and unhappy relationship for they to potentially repeat themselves in adulthood.

What is your definition of abuse?

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

Many abusers use Mental Health as an excuse to abuse their chosen targets, in this case you and the kids. I would put a fiver on him having no Mh issues whatsoever. And even if he did it’s not excuse or justification for the ways in which you’ve all been treated.

I'm with him on the too big for the clothes coat hangers I'm afraid. Seems you need to address the bigger issues before little issues like these add to them and your only option is divorce.

It sounds like you can't win with him. Whatever you do will be wrong.

I’m starting to think this could be true. Last week he wanted to go out for lunch, but the children were fractious and I thought it would be too stressful to be enjoyable for anyone so decided to make lunch at home. He said sulked about this and the next few hours were uncomfortable. But it was my fault for not wanting to sit in a busy cafe with young children who have no interest in being there.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. At the very least you do not want to show them a joyless and unhappy relationship for they to potentially repeat themselves in adulthood.

I absolutely don’t want that for them. I thought because there’s not anything obvious for them to see between me and DH, that they were protected from it all.

My definition of abuse is currently under construction.

@mightymam thank you DC are not toddlers any more, mostly their clothes look fine on the hangers. But I will find some alternative hangers online!

They see and hear far more than you care to realise. You two are the blueprint and reference for their adult relationships. Which leads me to ask you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

His attitude towards the clothes shopping was awful! A decent man would be wanting to buy you a present that made you happy on your birthday.

Why does he get to reject everything that you like when it's a present for you?

Which leads me to ask you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

My parents relationship was emotionally, physically and financially abusive. My dad drank too much (still does). My mum tried her best but was emotionally unavailable to me. A family friend once nicknames me “iggy” as I was always ignored.

Why does he get to reject everything that you like when it's a present for you?

Because I respect his opinion and want him to like the clothes I wear and how I look. I can’t remember the last time he complemented me.

My STBEX also did the majority of the shopping and cooking - he was critical of my shopping/cooking so eventually I let him do it all for a quiet life.

This made me feel bad, useless and unworthy whilst I had to put up with him feeding me and the kids crap whilst he had his own special diet. How could I possibly have issue with a man that shopped and cooked - did this not prove that he was better than me and I was useless?

Control has a way of expanding to take on every aspect of your life. Blaming yourself, assuming this would not happen to a better person and worsening mental health - another reason to surrender and blame yourself - become a downward spiral where you genuinely doubt your ability to cope without their 'support'.

Women's Aid said he really did a number on me. Obviously they recommended escaping his control but in the meantime to record all the things that I did competently without his supposed support. Not least loving parenting

He will always put his needs first and foremost, before you and the DC. Needing 'space' and abandoning you whilst ill to deal with the DC alone underlines this.

He will never have your back. He will abandon you and his DC if the going gets tough. Sometimes life is shit, you are likely at some time in your life to be ill, bereaved etc and a partner who abandons you when you are most vulnerable is no partner worth having.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that @PocketSand. I agree about the cooking etc, he keeps saying how he is “doing everything to keep everyone happy” but now he needs to “prioritise himself”. But 90% of the rest of the housework, and 100% of the mental load, is on me. I work the same hours he does.

My social life has dwindled, I think I last went out in October. I rarely see my family.

I think you are minimizing. He abandoned you when you were unwell and needed care. He abandoned your DC leaving you to care for them whilst needing care yousrself because he needed 'space'.

This is not the behaviour of a good husband or a good father. This is 101 basic minimum.

You and your DC could expect at least the bare minimum from a crap husband and father.

You are accepting less

Please contact women's aid freedom program to understand why you value yourself so little for your sake and that of your DC.

Thank you for your honest words @PocketSand. I am going to look into that.

Nitpicking" in a marriage refers to the act of constantly focusing on and criticizing minor flaws or insignificant details in your partner's behavior, often leading to frustration and tension within the relationship, as it can feel like excessive fault-finding and undermine a sense of appreciation and support.

Key points about nitpicking in marriage:
• Harmful effects:
Regularly nitpicking can erode trust, damage intimacy, and make your partner feel undervalued or constantly criticized, leading to resentment and unhappiness in the relationship. 





• Underlying reasons:
Nitpicking can stem from various issues like personal insecurities, high expectations, unresolved conflicts, stress, or a need for control. 





• Examples of nitpicking:
Criticizing the way your partner loads the dishwasher, constantly pointing out small mistakes in their appearance, or finding fault with their choice of clothes. 






How to address nitpicking:
• Open communication:
Have a calm conversation with your partner, expressing how their nitpicking makes you feel and asking them to be more mindful. 





• Identify triggers:
Try to understand what situations or behaviors might trigger nitpicking in your partner and address the underlying issues. 





• Focus on the positive:
Make a conscious effort to compliment and appreciate your partner's positive qualities. 





• Seek professional help:
If nitpicking is a persistent pattern that significantly impacts your relationship, consider couples therapy to learn healthier communication strategies.

I haven't read your follow up posts but just from your first post...

It's easy to get stuck in a kind of script where every interaction follows a similar pattern that leaves you both feeling irritated with each other over something insignificant. You both need to be able to recognise and defuse these situations by changing how you (both) communicate.

For instance with your coat hanger example, instead of replying with a defence or somethings that sounds like an accusation... try to respond with a question and instead of makingit me vs you refer to yourself as a team, perhaps "I hadn't noticed that, do you think we need to get some smaller ones?" He'll likely say "No, we can probably manage with these, we just have to not force them through the neck." and you can "great, let's get these hung up and put away then."

I like that approach @AltitudeCheck, I will try that! There’s definitely nitpicking, on both sides I think.

I have had a quick read but I do think it very cruel he didn’t like anything you picked on your shopping trip. This should have been something that made you feel happy and good about yourself. The fact he vetoed everything you liked is horrible. You should have felt abt to buy something without his approval. Has he brought you a belated present or a voucher to make up for it? It’s not about the money or being materialistic but the gesture.

On the strength of this anecdote alone I feel confident to say he is a dick with not much respect for you. Listen to your friend, talk to her, lose the "he's a good man really" lenses

In the end I ordered some jeans online, so got something eventually. I am definitely thinking a lot about where we are and where we’re going. Thank you everyone

Yes, I want my partner to think I look good too, but I know that the most important thing for him is that I'm happy. Could you say the same about your dh?

Honestly I think you are under-reacting to his behaviour here rather than overreacting.

Edited to add: sorry if that sounds harsh, I really feel for you

A couple of things for you to think about.

At the moment you are seeking his approval, and defensive or hurt when you don’t get it.

I stopped. I stopped hoping he’d like my outfit, see what a good job I did, stopped trying to persuade him and cajole him and reason with him.

Life immediately improved. I chose clothes I liked. I cooked meals I liked. If he criticised the hangers, I’d say, ‘are they?’.

When you stop the pick me dance and stop seeking approval, you get a much better idea of whether a marriage is worth saving.

@Arrivederla not harsh, thank you for your opinion.

I will try that @myplace, thanks! Out of interest, was your relationship worth saving? I am very much a people pleaser in other areas of my life but I had never considered that I’m constantly seeking DH’s approval.

I chose to save it. It’s a mutual support system rather than romantic dream 😅. In my case there are other factors that fed into it. Mine and his. But in our case, when I stopped expecting so much from him, he was less avoidant and became much easier to live with. I was no longer permanently dissatisfied and stopped relying on him for the whole romantic package.

But he’s fundamentally a decent man, just clueless. There’s a lot of autism in his family and frankly neither of us would recognise a balanced relationship even if it introduced itself with a handshake!

recently I was very unwell and needed a lot of support in daily life, and managing with the children etc, but this is when he decided he “needed space” and left the family home overnight

Punishing you for asking more from him.