Difficult situation with DH's family..

[Chaixx]

Can anyone help me out here or provide some insight to your own situation.

DH and I have been together over 15 years. He has a sister and mum and dad. His parents are split and his dad has remarried. His mum has mental health conditions and doesn't work and receives govt help for this.

His mum's side is very close. DH's grandparents are all alive. His gran has 2 sisters and they all have lots of daughters, who have lots of daughters so there's a lot of women.

My DH is a bit of a black sheep. He doesn't really enjoy spending much time with any of them. He will always see his mum, because she's his mum, but his mum spends so much time with the others that this is all she talks about, and given he's busy with work and our own kids he's getting irritated. DH is fed loads of details about his cousins, their other halves, their other halves mums, Their kids (our kids' second cousins etc), which he's not particularly interested in, as harsh as that sounds!

Anyway, we have young kids too, and since this point we have had a lot of invited to various events where the WHOLE family attends. When we go, we feel very much like it's them and us. They all see each other so much that they are always chatting about what they're up to, which I get is normal, but it doesn't help. And they will make a point of saying they've not seen us in ages, if we've missed maybe one of the events in between.
This week we've had 3 invites to things going on in the next couple of months. One is his cousins's bday, think she's 36 so not a big one but they are having a big meal. The others are one of the cousins' kids' birthdays and one is an Easter egg hunt.

We are feeling quite a bit suffocated, and equally like we have pressure on us to attend. DH's mum seems to think we should drop everything to attend because "family should stick together" as they all say.

DH and I are finding this too much! My family are not like this, I have cousins who we see once a year which is nice, there's no pressure and my parents aren't in regular contact with their siblings, it's more birthday and Christmas meets and the odd phone call. So for me this feels a lot.

How do we pull back? We tried once before but seemed to cause offence when DH's aunty said "don't you like us anymore?" And this was before we had kids so now we feel more reason to see them and let our kids see them type thing - not sure how to deal with this in a decent way? Or maybe we're just unfriendly!?

Hell nobody surely has enough 'spare' time to pander to all that crap? A big 36th birthday bash? Nuts... Just tell them dc have a lot of activities these days. Maybe do the Easter Egg hunt? But adult meet ups? .. Swerve imo. Dh needs to spell it out to his dm your lives are pretty busy.. Mh issues don't mean she gets her own way all the time...

Just agree with your DH the amount of contact/attendance at their events you can reasonably manage. They sound as though they all live in each others' pockets and only socialise with family. If they are unhappy with your level of attendance at various events, just don't bother at all any more. Your DH doesn't seem bothered and as they are his family, just take your lead from him.

Yes I think this is what we're going to do. Just events maybe twice a year and no more. It irritates me how much his mum is involved with them all though, because we obviously have to see her more and it is painful listening to all the stories but equally feeling her disapproval how we don't always attend. I would quite happily cut them all off personally! Even SIL and her kids just to get away and have some breathing space. Because even when you see SIL say for one of our niece's birthdays... all of them will be there.

It irritates me how much his mum is involved with them all though

I mean, you can reduce how much you see them, sure, but surely you see it’s unreasonable to have any input in how much his mother sees her own family?

You're giving all this a lot more thought than it needs.
Your husband can tell his relatives he's busy on any of the days he doesn't want to attend.

It all just sounds too much for you and DH. Also, seems like you're falling into that trap of caring too much what others think of you. So what if your aunt disapproves. You didn't marry her. It's hard for me to understand because both me and DH see our (remaining) families once in a blue moon. In your situation, I'd be looking at moving overseas. Couldn't cope with it.

I don’t particularly like being round my DH’s family, I attend some things and other times I just ask my husband to go alone. They are all in each others pockets - I’m not even in their family WhatsApp group even though all the other partners are. I let them just get on with it and try not to let what they do impact my life - I’m married to my husband not them.

Thanks all for your replies.

What bothers me as well is when it's one of our kids birthdays, or one of niece's birthdays (SIL's kids), we are all expected to spend time together. When I was a kid my aunty or uncle would drop the present round in the evening, the whole family including my cousins, wouldn't come over and sing happy birthday to me - is this more standard?
FWIW DH and his sister aren't even close.

I come from a large family with lots of aunts, cousins, cousin's children & now cousin's children's children many of whom live very close to each other. They are constantly in & out of each other's houses, holiday together etc. My late DF used to refer to them as 'the commune' LOL! It's not my scene and, although I live about a 2 hour drive away, I choose not to to just visit. DH & me attend weddings, christenings & other important events when invited, but, as we're not part of the 'commune' we feel somewhat side-lined at these events. So we appear, say 'hello' to everyone & make our excuses to leave early.

We're not as bad as my DB though - at our mother's funeral a cousin went up to him, hand outstretched, politely introduced herself & thanked him for coming to her darling aunt's funeral. She hadn't met him for the best part of 20 years & could be forgiven for not recognising him.

OMG I think we're related 😂

Personally - his family doesn't seem strange to me. It is nice to have a large family and kids enjoy growing up knowing their cousins, second cousins, etc. It give your grounding and a sense of belonging....

Your family - on the other hand - seems odd to me. Parents not talking to their siblings bar birthdays/Xmas????
I have two teenage kids. They are close and like each other. I hope that when they are grown up - even when they have their own families - they'll continue to have the nice bond they have developed as kids. Doesn't mean that they'll need to live next to each other or see each other all the time. Just mean - hope they will maintain the emotional, friendly, supportive connection they have now.

Look - you are what you are. Accept and own it. If both you and H do not want to spend time with his family - don't. Just tell them you are busy, etc.
But - I think the amount of mental energy you expend on resenting and judging their closeness is unhelpful. Mostly because that it seems to be generating so much anguish for you.

Your extended families are probably the polar opposites. Your dh family arrangement are not very unusual and equally neither is yours.

Go to the events that you want to and don't go to the events you don't want to. In regards to your mil just be honest and say that you have no interest in going to all these events and just tell her when she is talking about dn new kitchen that you are not really interested.

I think it’s just a difference in lifestyles and upbringings. He’s been brought up by a very big, close family so big family gatherings are normal for them and enjoyable. It’s not unusual to be part of a family like this, likewise it’s not unusual to be raised by a more relaxed family.
Go to the events you want to go to and don’t go to the rest, maybe focus on the more child centred events. I’d also say stop the judgement of how their family interacts just because it feels uncomfortable to you.

I think his family sound lovely. They're clearly very close and want you all to be included. If you don't want to take part that's ok, but you can't complain about how much the rest if them see each other and you can't be surprised that you are somewhat out of the loop when you do see them.

You're a bit presumptuous being bothered by how much time they all spend together, as that is entirely their prerogative.

YANBU, however, to limit the time you spend with them if they are too much for you.

Just explain to your MIL that you just don't have the capacity to attend their numerous events; but you'll catch up every so often. At which time you'll unfortunately have to listen to her blither on about all the 'amazing' things you've missed (sounds painful) 😊.

You're right that is their prerogative and that's what they all do. But I don't like the pressure we feel from MIL to get everyone together when it's not what we don't want that. I don't want to spend my life pleasing others.