Making Friends as an Introvert

[Ruby0707]

I moved to a new area a few years ago to be with my partner.

I have a few vague connections here, mainly people I've met through my partner but would really like to make friends off my own back.

I go to the gym regularly and chat to a couple of people there but I don't have the confidence to take it to the next level. Like, how do I ask them if they fancy meeting up outside of the gym? It feels so cringe!

There's also a social craft group I've found that meets once a month but I haven't got the confidence to go.

I work from home so spend a lot of time alone. I would love to have more of a social circle here but it just doesn't come naturally to me.

Any advice or tips? 😬

Apparently the way to make friends is (counterintuitively) to ask for a favour, not offer one. Theory being, they think that if you're the kind of person they help, they must like you!

Low key, "can you suggest a good place to get my car fixed/get a good pub lunch/go for a walk" etc

Interesting tip and definistely one I'll bear in mind.

Thinking about most of my friendships, they are usually ones that have built up over time but its hard to do that in a new area, when I don't see the same people regularly.

Just need to get out of my comfort zone I guess!

I think the key is to do something very regularly, it's that that builds friendships rather than aquaintances. Most of my friends now come from my running club, somewhere I've been going to 2-3 times a week for nearly 20 years. You also have the benefit of the shared interest too.

I agree re asking a favour too. "I'd really like to go to xyz, would you come with me?"

I used to be terribly socially anxious but somehow, following a life changing bereavement, I've developed a "what's the worst that can happen" attitude and it's never that bad. They'll say sorry, not my thing/I'm not free, and it's all forgotten, or you'll go to the craft thing once, cringe for an hour or two and never go back. Not so terrible and the possible positive outcome makes the risk worthwhile.

I would say you were a person who is socially anxious, not very confident, rather than an introvert

An introvert is someone who gains energy from being alone, and as a very sociable and outgoing introvert I have no problem at all just asking if anyone fancies a coffee after yoga, and I have joined several craft groups. But I get 'peopled out' and need alone time to recover.

Just be brave, what is the worst that can happen ?

They say no thanks to the coffee, but may be more chatty next time you see them in the gym.
And the craft group is just one huge clique, so you know to never go back to that one.

No one is going to laugh at you for either of the above so just do it.

I am definitely an introvert but yes, you're probably right and there's a bit of anxiety there too.

I'm very envious of people who can make new friends and socialise so easy.

Good tips though, thank you and I will bear them in mind.

this is a bit vague but I would recommend activities where there is a bit of a ‘need’ to socialise. I used to play netball and we were forever in group chats trying to find extra players, or giving each other lifts when venues changed. I also do outdoor swimming but with that it’s easy to be more insular (just turn up and swim, then go).

I did actually join a netball group once but I was terrible at it 😂

The only amateur one I could find was quite far from me and they were all quite young so it didn't work out. The ones near me are more pro.

I see your point though and wonder if I can find something similar.

As @redfishcat writes I would also agree that you are not an introvert but socially anxious. posters on MN get the definition of introversion wrong all the time. I am an introvert, I can talk to literally anyone and socialise really easily but need a few hours in peace to recharge. I went to a walking group yesterday, new woman there, a slightly unusual connection as she is from the country my Father was from originally. So some chat ensued about cultural stuff that would mean nothing to anyone else in the group. I invited her to take tea and off we went, then exchanged numbers. We had a great time but I was tired after so had a nap when I got home.

Making friends is a numbers game. If honest in that group the person I liked the best has relocated unfortunately. There are two women who also go along who have potential and the rest whilst perfectly ok as people just aren’t people I would want to hang out with one to one. A hit rate of 4 out of a group of 20 is pretty good.

I like the idea of it being a numbers game! I think in that case if I try new things and it doesn't work out, there's not too much pressure.