Husbands porn addiction - where to go from here

[Allornothing9]

I’m 31, DH is 30. We have a 2.5yo DD together. We’ve been together for 12 years.

DH has always watched porn, but then so did I occasionally so I just kind of accepted it was something that happened. We had a pretty good sex life for the first 5 years of our relationship and then it died down - as it tends to. We were doing it maybe once a fortnight which was enough for us and we were happy.

However the last 3 years it’s been practically non existent, and for a year he hasn’t been able to get an erection whatsoever, he claimed it was work/life stress but wouldn’t see a doctor. 6 months ago I said let’s have a complete porn ban - really make time for each other. Lo and behold we started having sex again.. however at Christmas it went dead again. He swore he wasn’t watching it.

This morning his phone was unlocked so I looked, and yep - he’s been watching it every day. I confronted him this morning and he said he thinks he’s addicted and he will stop.

My parents were alcoholics. I know addicts don’t just stop. Where the hell do I go from here, I feel gutted. I escaped a childhood of addiction and I feel like I’ve walked into a marriage of a different type. I love him, he’s a great dad, but can addicts really stop without intervention?

He is addicted to watching women being abused and violated for his sexual gratification. I struggle to see how a man like that can be a great Dad. I wouldn't want him round my children.
I'm sorry OP but unless he recognises his addiction himself and engages in treatment then things won't get any better. And the porn he watches will need to get more and more extreme to satisfy him.
I don't see a way forward for your marriage.

You do realise there are all sorts of Porn out there now.... He might be watching Lesbian porn? No men involved....

@ maclen

Yes I do realise that sadly there is all sorts of porn out there now.

I'm not sure watching once a day makes him an addict?! Isn't that just an excuse- can't help himself etc?

You need to make a decision about your relationship. You want a sex life but his porn use means you're celibate. He prefers celibacy to intimacy with you.

I wouldn't want to be in a celibate relationship or with someone who preferred porn to me.

I think you need to look for advice on a professional level rightly so you’ve recognised it as an addiction and needs to be treated like one

predictably all you’ll get on here is a debate about porn itself rather than any useful advice

It's every day not necessarily once a day

Given he can't get an erection with actual sex, but could when he wasn't looking at porn they does suggest an addiction

There is treatment available, can he seek it out? It might need to be paid for privately.

He’s never going to stop. He’ll just lie to you and do it anyway if you push it. It’s up to you whether you can live with it or not. I know that sounds overly simplistic but that’s really what it boils down to.

Unfortunately - I am not sure much can be done to save this relationship. You got together at 18/19 and settled too early.
Usually these relationships start breaking down a bit later as by late 30s people are not the same as you were as teens.
In your case - the problems started a lot earlier.

Sexual incompatibility is the hardest issue to resolve. He clearly struggles either with libido, or with boredom - hence escape into porn. And this is unlikely to change - j presume you want to be with someone who genuinely desires you, rather than with someone who cant be bothered and prefers to wank.
I also had an alcoholic for a father. But i think rhe porn thing is not the same type of ‘addiction’

when ive watched it its always been women with women mainly top star names eg nina hartley, that said i can put it on the be busy with other tasks and its like watching a tv series. obviously its not the same with all people and i could easily go cold if needed.