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Original poster

Maternity leave FOMO

17 replies

ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 10:34

Currently on mat leave with my May 2024 baby who is now 9 months old and I am starting to struggle with (what I think is) some jealousy around my DP. I feel like we don’t spend any time together and like he isn’t interested in me, I feel like when he comes home from work his focus is on our DD (rightfully so and he is an amazing dad) or on his phone and I’m nothing more than an afterthought.

He seems to always be on his phone, the moment he wakes up he picks his phone up, every time he goes to get something from another room or goes to the toilet he takes his phone with him. When he is working I will text him to ask how his day is etc and he doesn’t reply but I can see he is active on fb or WhatsApp. It makes me think he is just ignoring me. I’ve never been someone who is jealous but I can feel myself questioning everything and I hate it. I can feel myself distancing myself and I don't want to make him feel like I am suspicious of him. I mentioned it to him once and he said I was making him feel like I thought he was cheating or something. I don’t think he ever would but I can’t shake this feeling and I feel like I’m going crazy. He said if I feel like this maybe I should talk to my doctor because he doesn’t know how else he can reassure me.

I think that it’s just that I am getting to the end of mat leave and maybe I’m over it? Loneliness?- I don’t know. The weather isn't great so I don’t get out as much and money is understandably a lot tighter than it was in the first 6 months or so but I still get out and see family/friends etc.

Is this kind of normal or am I being a crazy woman?

OP posts:
SpookyAllSeasons · 12/02/2025 10:38

He could reassure you by being more present with you and getting off his phone. It's quite simple really. He is gaslighting you. This would naturally make me more suspicious of his behaviour too.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/02/2025 10:43

SpookyAllSeasons · 12/02/2025 10:38

He could reassure you by being more present with you and getting off his phone. It's quite simple really. He is gaslighting you. This would naturally make me more suspicious of his behaviour too.

Was going to say exactly this! I’m also 10 months into mat leave and if my husband was more interested in his phone than me I’d also be unhappy about that. I do think my husband understands that I’m on my own with a baby all day, I have a lot of “chat” to get out when he gets home!

Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 10:47

SpookyAllSeasons · 12/02/2025 10:38

He could reassure you by being more present with you and getting off his phone. It's quite simple really. He is gaslighting you. This would naturally make me more suspicious of his behaviour too.

I feel like a crazed jealous person, I feel like he knows I’m not suspicious of him cheating and it’s just that I crave his attention- I’ve been completely transparent and told him how I’m feeling. Maybe even too honest I fear sometimes (I don’t want to push him away or feel like I don’t trust him)

We had a conversation about it, he asked me if there was anything triggering it and I honestly don’t know. I can’t explain why I feel how I do

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 10:48

Mrsttcno1 · 12/02/2025 10:43

Was going to say exactly this! I’m also 10 months into mat leave and if my husband was more interested in his phone than me I’d also be unhappy about that. I do think my husband understands that I’m on my own with a baby all day, I have a lot of “chat” to get out when he gets home!

Show quote history

I haven’t felt like this the whole time so I’m unsure why I do only now, I wouldn’t have said he is on his phone more or less than usual, maybe I’m only noticing it more now?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 12/02/2025 10:54

Hrs not ‘an amazing dad’ though is he if he’s completely neglecting the mother of his child.

SpookyAllSeasons · 12/02/2025 11:23

"We had a conversation about it, he asked me if there was anything triggering it and I honestly don’t know. I can’t explain why I feel how I do"

I can explain it. The thing that is triggering it is him! He doesn't see any value in giving you any quality time or attention. His phone is more important, or anything that isn't you it appears.

If you have discussed this with him and his only response is for you to evaluate yourself, then I would put leaving the relationship on the table.

I left a marriage after we were together for 17 years. He was exactly like this and it never got better. We stayed for our child. We shouldn't have. We wasted many years. Don't waste yours. Life is too short.

Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 11:40

SpookyAllSeasons · 12/02/2025 11:23

"We had a conversation about it, he asked me if there was anything triggering it and I honestly don’t know. I can’t explain why I feel how I do"

I can explain it. The thing that is triggering it is him! He doesn't see any value in giving you any quality time or attention. His phone is more important, or anything that isn't you it appears.

If you have discussed this with him and his only response is for you to evaluate yourself, then I would put leaving the relationship on the table.

I left a marriage after we were together for 17 years. He was exactly like this and it never got better. We stayed for our child. We shouldn't have. We wasted many years. Don't waste yours. Life is too short.

Is there not an element that it that might just be me feeling jealous of him going to work while I’m left at home on my own? I don’t want to make it a big deal if it’s just my brain playing tricks on me.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 12/02/2025 11:42

He seems to always be on his phone, the moment he wakes up he picks his phone up, every time he goes to get something from another room or goes to the toilet he takes his phone with him.

When he is working I will text him to ask how his day is etc and he doesn’t reply but I can see he is active on fb or WhatsApp.

I mentioned it to him once and he said I was making him feel like I thought he was cheating or something. I don’t think he ever would but I can’t shake this feeling and I feel like I’m going crazy.

He said if I feel like this maybe I should talk to my doctor because he doesn’t know how else he can reassure me

Trust. Your. Instincts.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/02/2025 11:43

ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 11:40

Is there not an element that it that might just be me feeling jealous of him going to work while I’m left at home on my own? I don’t want to make it a big deal if it’s just my brain playing tricks on me.

Show quote history

But you’ve said yourself you’re not bothered about work, work is what has to happen, but him spending every minute outside of work & child staring at his phone and carrying it from room to room like an oxygen mask he’ll die without is the problem.

He could fix that if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to.

Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 11:51

Mrsttcno1 · 12/02/2025 11:43

But you’ve said yourself you’re not bothered about work, work is what has to happen, but him spending every minute outside of work & child staring at his phone and carrying it from room to room like an oxygen mask he’ll die without is the problem.

He could fix that if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to.

Show quote history

I suppose you are right. Maybe I should speak to him about it again but bring it up in a way that highlights him being on his phone instead of in a way that makes him feel like I’m suspecting him or something. Just gripes me when I’ll text him throughout the day and he doesn’t reply, but he’s active on Facebook so to me that just tells me that he’s on his phone at work but actively choosing to not reply to my message.

I think he forgets that while he’s at work socialising with his colleagues, albeit working but still able to socialise, that I’m at home on my own (with my baby DD who I do not begrudge spending time with obvs)

OP posts:
Tartanboots · 12/02/2025 11:53

He's "triggering' you by ignoring you, and only paying attention to your child or whatever/whoever's on his phone. His behaviour is what is odd and needs investigating, not yours. He is being rude, neglectful, and pretty cruel considering you're on your own with a baby all day. It's affecting you now because it's gone on for so long and is finally taking its toll.

Starlight1984 · 12/02/2025 11:55

Why is he active on Facebook when he is at work?

OP, I know you probably don't want to face it right now with a baby at home, but his behaviour and you feeling like you are going "crazy" generally always ends up being because there is someone else...

I'm so sorry but you've posted here for advice and because you are doubting yourself but in my opinion, it's clear as day that he is up to no good.

And suggesting you see a doctor because there is "nothing else he can do to reassure you" is gaslighting bullshit. He can reassure you by putting his phone down. By leaving it unattended. And by replying to the mother of his child instead of whoever else he is messaging.

Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 11:57

You sound bored, lonely and under stimulated OP. Which is totally normal and understandable, it would drive everyone mad. How long until back to work? You will feel better when out among your colleagues, using your brain and skills and not having your partner in the evenings as your only means of company.

Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 15:52

Tartanboots · 12/02/2025 11:53

He's "triggering' you by ignoring you, and only paying attention to your child or whatever/whoever's on his phone. His behaviour is what is odd and needs investigating, not yours. He is being rude, neglectful, and pretty cruel considering you're on your own with a baby all day. It's affecting you now because it's gone on for so long and is finally taking its toll.

I do think I need to have a conversation with him and maybe tell him that him being on his phone so much is why I am feeling like that. A lot of the time I think he is just scrolling I don’t think he’s messaging anyone but it still makes me paranoid so it’s obviously an issue

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 15:54

Starlight1984 · 12/02/2025 11:55

Why is he active on Facebook when he is at work?

OP, I know you probably don't want to face it right now with a baby at home, but his behaviour and you feeling like you are going "crazy" generally always ends up being because there is someone else...

I'm so sorry but you've posted here for advice and because you are doubting yourself but in my opinion, it's clear as day that he is up to no good.

And suggesting you see a doctor because there is "nothing else he can do to reassure you" is gaslighting bullshit. He can reassure you by putting his phone down. By leaving it unattended. And by replying to the mother of his child instead of whoever else he is messaging.

I don’t know I think that’s something I need to think about. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt he has never given me any reason to think that before.

I do think that maybe my feelings are having a part to play

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 15:56

Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 11:57

You sound bored, lonely and under stimulated OP. Which is totally normal and understandable, it would drive everyone mad. How long until back to work? You will feel better when out among your colleagues, using your brain and skills and not having your partner in the evenings as your only means of company.

I think I might be and that’s why I’m worried I’m causing an issue for no reason.

I go back in April baby will be 11months. I agree that I will be distracted going back to work but will I also feel like we then spend even less time/ if hes on his phone in the evenings it will be more of an issue?

or do you mean I’m putting more pressure on the time we do have in the evening because it’s all I’ve got?

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 16:18

ThisTwinklyCrab · 12/02/2025 15:56

I think I might be and that’s why I’m worried I’m causing an issue for no reason.

I go back in April baby will be 11months. I agree that I will be distracted going back to work but will I also feel like we then spend even less time/ if hes on his phone in the evenings it will be more of an issue?

or do you mean I’m putting more pressure on the time we do have in the evening because it’s all I’ve got?

Show quote history

That is great. The time will pass really quickly and soon you will be back :)

A bit of both really. It is bloody rude for a grown adult to be on his phone. It's bad enough when teenagers do that. But you seem very fixated on it. If his behaviour hasn't really changed and he isn't being secretive, what is different with him being on it now that when he used to do this? It sounds like it is bothering you excessively, whereas if you were fresh from a day at work, it perhaps wouldn't (or not as much).

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