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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overprotective mother

7 replies

BumblebeeStar · 11/02/2025 18:39

So bit of back story for context. When I was 17 I was admitted to ICU as a result of a life threatening asthma attack. The attack was brought on by own immature stupidity - being young and invincible smoking on a night out seemed like a great idea, and the this triggered my (previously very mild) asthma, resulting in a 3 week long hospital stay, 5 days of which were spent in a coma in ICU. I have never smoked since and never had a hospital admission since, although do have worsening symptoms and flare ups in winter. I'm now 33.

Since then my mum has been, understandably, over protective. I moved out of her home 10 years ago and still receive phonecalls twice daily, with texts in between to check I've taken my inhalers, not been wheezing, etc etc. She never calls to chat a out any other aspect of my life, or her grandchildren, every conversation is about my asthma/treatment. I've tried on so many occasions to tell her this isn't necessary and that I'm more than capable of looking after myself. Her response is always refering back to the ICU stay, and how I could've died and didn't understand what I put her through.

This week things escalated to a whole new level, and she actually contacted my GP and arranged an appointment for me because she thinks I need seen - asthma has been slightly worse than usual due to have a respiratory illness, but nothing I'm concerned about and definitely do not need to see a GP. I have obviously cancelled the appointment and apologised to the surgery. I'm also a paramedic and more than capable of managing my condition independently, and generally have minimal input from the GP/asthma team - all appointments are by phone and usually only once a year.

I'm actually getting to the point where I'm considering cutting contact altogether because she's so overbearing. I do understand her concerns and try to reassure her but at the same time, I have a life to live and this does not resolve around my asthma.

Any suggestions on how to approach this behaviour before I lose it completely?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 11/02/2025 18:48

I would suggest she seeks therapy. That's no way for either of you to live.

TipsyJoker · 11/02/2025 19:21

You need to say,

“Mum, I appreciate your concern and I understand that what happened all those years ago was extremely traumatic for you. But I’m now an adult, with my own children who I’ve managed to care for and I work in the medical industry. I attend people having asthma attacks and I know how to manage them. I think you need to seek some help to deal with your trauma because it’s now affecting our relationship. If you can’t do this and if things don’t change I’m going to have to take a break from communicating with you. I don’t want to do that but I will if this continues. It’s unhealthy. I am more than my asthma which is well controlled. I have been managing it successfully for almost 20 years. This is upsetting me and stressing me out. Stress is not good for asthma and if things don’t change I will be forced to limit our contact until you can control this. I love you and I want you to heal from this because it’s clearly very distressing for you.”

ShortWide · 11/02/2025 19:30

This is awful. If anyone needs to make the other an appointment regarding a health issue they’re not managing, it would be you getting her seen regarding anxiety.

If you are at the point of cutting contact, how would it go down if you were to text on Sunday night and say

“Hi Mum, I know what I’m about to say will not be easy for you. However, I will not be swayed from my decision, as this is what’s best for both of us.

From now onwards, I won’t engage in any conversation whatsoever about asthma or my health generally, either with you or anyone speaking to me on your behalf.

While I understand that your anxiety about my health stems from the incident when I was a teenager, it has spiralled into something out of control for far too long. I think you should seek professional help for it. However, this is up to you to decide, just as it is for me to decide how I manage my health.

I love you and want you to get better.

Etc. etc.”

Toooldtorave · 11/02/2025 20:22

She’s so terrified for you it’s blighting her life. She clearly loves you but if second the therapy suggestion - it even sounds possibly like ptsd from when you were poorly all those years ago. It seems she can’t enjoy life or her grandchildren from this crippling worry. It’s not way for either of you to live and she should be feeling happy and proud that you’ve qualified in a good career and have a lovely family.

Would you go to a therapist with her? Not necessarily into a session but support that and explain to therapist the effect it’s having on your life too?

I hope she can get the help she needs and start to relax.

PussInBin20 · 11/02/2025 21:10

Sounds like she has PTSD from it.

Lavenderflower · 11/02/2025 21:13

This is extreme and clearly abnormal. She needs to seek help. I assume the event was very traumatic for her, however, she needs to seek professional help.

BumblebeeStar · 12/02/2025 04:36

Thanks all for your input.
She did have counselling many years ago, but I agree she could definitely benefit from going back. It's something I'll try and raise with her. I'd rather not stop contact altogether and would love my kids to have a good relationship with her growing up. Hopefully we can get past this before it breaks our relationship

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