Not so DP messaging other women

[adviceandhugs]

Apologies for the long post but looking for advice.

Watching tv laid on DP the other day I saw he had an odd app as he was scrolling though his phone. Took a chance to look at his phone last night to see he had said app (a friend ex H had used the same site to meet and message other women so this is how I was aware what it was) I clicked but everything was deleted. I took down his username and last night signed up and messaged him. He messaged all last night saying about meeting in person and telling me what he wanted to do to me etc. slightly encouraged by me but I just wanted to see what he was doing on there. He's messaged again today while I've been sat in the next room. I would normally trust him, been together 5 years and haven't had suspicions before.

No kids together but we both have kids, we are very intertwined in each others lives. He moved to my house when a change in circumstances meant I could no longer afford it alone and that still stands. I literally cannot afford the rent and bills etc on my own.

Most adult relationships I've been in I have been cheated on, part of me thinks do I stay for a comfortable life, we get on fine the kids are all happy and I'm generally happy. It just depends if I can move past this.

I would be open to an open relationship so get the best of both worlds if that's what he is lacking. The last year and a half have been awful - I lost a baby at the end of 2023, a lot of mixed feelings and he rushed into a vasectomy. Since then sexually he hasn't been as active as we were before or wanting it as much, I let myself go and put on a couple of stone (although have lost nearly half now again I'm better mentally) I feel like my sex drive is back but his has slowed down. We are still sexually active but it's only really if I initiate. If we were open I would explore also and something I have thought about previously.

Part of me feels like LTB I deserve better, I know there are decent guys out there that won't cheat but I don't know if I will find that. It would also be impossible for me to date as the kids dad has basically gone awol the last year and barely has them. Another reason why I feel stability for the kids with this guy is needed.

I don't know what my next moves should be.

Could you manage in your own? Get advice on this from citizens advice. Your dp is in contact with other women and possibly meeting them. Is it safe to confront him in a public place about this? Are you at risk of violence? If it’s safe would talking to him about the app be an idea? See if he denies being on this app.

I hate to say it but his sex drive obviously hasn’t slowed down…he’s busy meeting up with other woman via this app

Can I translate this as:

I can't afford to be on my own, I'm afraid of losing the bastard so I'm prepared for him to sleep around if he sticks around to pay the bills. I'll just do the domestic shit while he's emptying his balls into someone else, and hope he still loves and respects me.

What could possibly go wrong?

Or you could address it and either you both decide you are going to make changes, or you part ways. But in all seriousness, I think that accepting him playing around is only going to delay the inevitable split - and actually an open, rather than a cheating, relationship - may not actually appeal anyway.

The difference is that he was dishonest about this. He is seeking other women whilst keeping it from you and having no idea you know/are considering opening the relationship etc.

You literally can’t trust him on anything now!

The benchmark for me always in situations like this is “what would I say if my DD told me this was happening to her” and I take my own advice. There are children involved and you risk teaching your children to allow themselves to be lied to, disrespected and walked all over to ensure financial security…

You’re not going to get stability with this guy.

Open relationships must have a foundation of strong trust. You don’t even have that. The chances are, even if you both agree to it, he’s going to break the boundaries.

He’s already in an open relationship while you are in an exclusive one. Men who cheat are usually the type that would get into a jealous frenzy if their partners did the same. That’s why many start accusing the faithful partner of cheating when they are the ones actually cheating. So I’m willing to bet he wouldn’t agree to an open relationship.

Have you looked into benefits etc that you might be entitled to on your own? Or use this time of knowing what your partner is like to build something better for yourself? Train to do something else or increase work hours so you are in a financial position to kick him out?

I actually sound mad but I know he hasn't physically cheated, I have checked his google maps to see where he's been and it's literally whenever we have been or at work. He doesn't have much of a social life and the last couple of times he was out he is where he has said he was and friends have tagged him on Facebook also.

I mean going to these lengths is ridiculous anyway isn't it!

I did confront him he could tell I was being off, I said I had seen him messaging someone in the kitchen which at first he denied, then I said I saw the picture and he said it was on this app he uses for a betting page (which is true that's the only thing I saw on there) and that this women (me) had just suddenly messaged him last night and he had replied.

I just don't get it.

You don't get it?

He's a liar and he's still lying.

Money wise no, I get no financial help from my kids dad. Before current partner moved in I did get some help but when circumstances changed I literally was £200 a month under my bills and that was without even thinking about unexpected costs, birthdays, Xmas, social stuff etc that was literally basic bills and food. My rent is a lot higher than the local allowance which was one of the big problems.

I rely on current partner to do some pick ups already while I work, to have any kind of social life and to get to the gym. I would have to give up my second job if he left. (I work two part time jobs round the kids) it's just a big bloody mess.

Anyway he has gone to work and I just feel kind of numb.

We spoke, I asked what was lacking and why he did it and he said he didn't know why and he's stressed etc but that it was a mistake and a one off. He helped me with a diy thing and then went to work. I need to message but I honestly don't now what to say I just feel so let down.

You’ll never trust him again now because, even if he wasn’t talking to other women before (which I doubt anyway) he damn well was talking to someone he thought wasn’t you last night!! And sexually, and behind your back.

Its hard to stand up for yourself, respect your boundaries and yourself and leave but your peace and happiness is worth anything you have to do to make it work on your own!

What if you have no choice and he leaves you for one of these other women
Are you willing to risk that ?
I couldn't

Can you hire out your spare room? Sorry if that’s a lame suggestion but you deserve better than this.

Could you get UC to top you up? Or even extend mortgage to accommodate the short fall until you can up your payments? When you make a decision you’ll feel better. But you don’t need to make it straight away. Bide your time and do what is best for you and not him. He’s shown his hand now and he can’t be trusted.

OP can I just clarify - he is messaging other women on a betting app or a dating app?

And you confronted him by saying you saw him messaging (today when he was messaging you) or the other night when you saw him doing it in your presence?

Apart from saying 'she messaged me and I responded' have you asked him what they spoke about etc? Because you know exactly the nature of these conversations - you are in one of them!

From your update it seems like you're kind of done? Perhaps a bit 'it is what it is'. You don't seem angry or kicking off or planning your next move. Maybe a split is the way to go.

I unfortunately don't have a spare room, the house is a private rental not mortgaged. I am just outside of London so rents are expensive and competitive. I'd struggle to find somewhere cheaper as I couldn't afford it, my dad is also a guarantor and there's no way I can let him down not paying.

I would either have to move completely out of area - which is difficult because of the kids dad, schools, one of the kids also lives with dad and extended family or go homeless which would just be awful with kids in tow, we would have to rehome our dog etc. it would be absolutely dire which is why I am even considering staying if even for a few more years till I can get some sort of plan. It sounds awful and I wish I wasn't so reliant on him but it's just how it ended up, I didn't have a great start in my adult life and then met their dad so I've always had someone else around to help. I didn't think I'd end up not with the kids dad tbh and even thought he's become horrible since the split I still think how much easier it was when we were together (but he is now a completely different person to who he was when we were together) being a single parent is hard! Mentally and financially and I just feel sad I can either stick it out or turn the kids world completely upside down.

They don't have a clue anything has happened, we haven't spoken in front of the kids and are being normal in front of them, we are like 2 passing ships most days anyway with all our commitments.

In regard to what I said, I pulled him up on it this afternoon, he was messaging in the kitchen (to me) and I walked in then said I had seen the message. What he said to me confirmed how we have been talking and he only mentioned one girl (me) and that it was a group chat for getting betting tips (which I had seen he was in a few groups like this and this is all that showed when I initially say the app) and how a random girl had messaged out of the blue and he stupidly responded and went too far. it's a alternative to WhatsApp so not a dating app just a messaging service.

To confirm he wasn't messaging anyone the other night, I have seen no evidence of other girls. I just saw the app as he went through his phone so he wasn't hiding it but I knew of a friend who's ex had used it to send message to another woman which is what rang alarm bells.

Oh I see!

Bit weird that he has an empty messaging app... does he usually clear all his chats? Or do you mean that there was nothing from other women there?

I can see why you are in a predicament. All your reasons for staying are valid - there is a lot at stake here. I do think that you need to be a lot more open and honest about this situation with him.

You know the story he sold you was completely made up. You created a profile and started talking with him. There was no random group chat that then went too far.

Even though this 'woman' doesn't exist, it goes to show that he is capable of having his head turned and sell you a pack of lies.

If you are both ships in the night and there is nothing there romantically, you're just two friends co-parenting and living together then I can see why you would consider opening up the relationship. It's like the best of both worlds I suppose. I would only worry (personally) if DC ever found out and what they would think. Some people grow up and find that stuff out and feel betrayed.

No he didn't say it was a group chat he said he normally uses it for getting tips in group chats but that the girl was separate. So what he's told me lines up with what I know. When I looked on there i could see the tip groups chats on there but nothing from girls. So it wasn't empty.

Either way he was messaging a woman who he didn't know and was hiding it.

So he hasn't been unfaithful? He was using the app for group chats on betting. He doesn't go anywhere you don't know about, and the only woman he's messaged is when he replied to you in cognito.

It seems that you are both having a bad time of the relationship. Perhaps he feels as stuck as you? Life sounds hard for you.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't think you are in the headspace, or position to split atm. Would you
maybe try to get back on track if you were happy together previously?

I always stick up for the woman, but this feels a bit off. He's been baited and fallen for it. Neither of you is coming out well.

Life has been awful, my eldest child moved in with dad and a few weeks later I lost the baby. I have been in an awful headspace and tbh not wanted to be here a lot of the time. I feel like we've just been getting through and only towards the end of last year did I really feel strong enough to pull myself back up out of it. I guess we have just been on autopilot but the last probably 6 months have been better and we're getting back to where we were.

I wish in a way I just hadn't of looked if it hadn't been for my friends ex using that app I wouldn't have even batted an eyelid. I shouldn't have messaged but also he shouldn't have replied! If a random man messaged me asking if I was single etc I wouldn't be replying yes and carrying it on...

We have a couple of hours today to chat without the kids here, I am hoping we can both open up and be honest with how we are feeling. I don't know if I can leave yet, I also don't know if I can trust him so I don't really know what the next move will be. I need to see where his head is at and I'm hoping he can be open with me but we will see.

@adviceandhugs bless you, that's really hard. I understand you've been in a bit of a turmoil and that you want to get things back on track.

I do also get the point from @PoorMisgenderedPeteThePlumber where you did set up a booby trap and he fell for it so there's possibly little trust coming from your side too.

Nonetheless, you mentioned the conversation did get inappropriate and so it wasn't as simple as a woman messaging and him simply replying, if it was actually someone else then this would be an entirely different debate.

You definitely need to talk

I hope you can sort it, op. X