Please help, my insecurity is going to ruin this new relationship!!

[mocca]

My husband left me 18 months ago and the divorce is almost through. We're now on an amicable footing and get on well for the sake of our 8 year old. He hurt me terribly though and I've been involved before him with emotionally abusive men. I've managed to become quite happily single but have just met the most wonderful man who I feel a real connection with. So far he's treated me very well and shown his interest very clearly (he's told me that I've made him feel alive again). He's emotionally open and talks about his feelings. My gut instinct is that he's a good one but obviously will have to get to know him better.

I'm very taken with him but this has made all my old insecurities resurface - I'm quite literally a mess if he doesn't return a text (I sent one this morning and haven't had a reply and it's now evening - usually he'll reply quite quickly and initiates most of the contact) and I've almost convinced myself that he's got cold feet or has had an accident and ended up dead or in hospital. We've got two meetings lined up so I don't have to worry when I'm going to see him next (he lives over 200 miles away so we need to plan). I know that by the end of the evening if he hasn't contacted me, I'll be desperate and text him again and I really really don't want to because I want to be strong and just let things unfold naturally.

The stupid thing is I'm 50 years old and I was just like this when I was 17. Can anyone offer any advice as how to deal with these dreadful feelings of insecurity and how to handle the issue of when I should contact him. I've even been wondering if I should tell him how I feel because he's had loads of counselling himself after his divorce but maybe on reflection this would scare him off.

have you had professional help?

Yes, loads and it hasn't helped.

I feel very sorry for you. I used to be like this myself, and the more you like someone the worse it gets. The only thing that really helped me was to realise that I had the same value as every other person onthe planet. One human is worth the same as another human, so why should I feel inferior, why should I think nobody like me? If a man wants to leave me nowadays, I know it is not because I am worthless, but because I'm not what he was looking for.

That's about all I can contribute really, don't know if it will help you, but I really hope he texts you soon. That will help at least temporarily

Littlewoman is SO right. It took me years to cotton on to the simple fact that there's nothing wrong with trusting people - it's normal, healthy and right. If they let you down then that shows them up for what they are, it doesn't mean you were mistaken to trust them in the first place.

I'm very fortunate that my partner has helped me overcome the horrible, consuming paranoia I used to suffer from. He's done this by providing all the reassurance I've ever asked for. I made it clear to him that I had been let down in the past and that I was very insecure, and he accepted the 'problem' as part of me and has helped me deal with it.

I think if your new relationship continues to progress positively then maybe you could talk to your new partner about these feelings? If you acknowledge that you realise they're irrational but explain that they're borne of experience, it will hopefully encourage him to meet your needs by providing you with reassurance and giving you confidence in him.

An awful lot of this is about confidence in yourself, too, so do things outside the relationship which make you feel good. I think exercise and socialising with other friends can be really helpful at reminding me I'm a reasonably fun and attractive person, which helps keep me out of the paranoid trap.

If it helps, I often feel the same... I was in a violent abusive relationship for many years and also had a rather cross and critical mother. I find it hard to believe that anyone could love me. It is all tied up to self-esteem and self-belief as littlewoman says, but these feelings are so deep-seated that it is incredibly hard to break out from them. I've had a fair bit of counselling too and I don't think it's really worked either!

I don't think relationships get any easier whether we're 50 or 17 tbh. The whole process is fraught with worries when we should really be enjoying ourselves and seizing the moment!

The best advice I can give is to find something else to care about. Learn a skill or hone an existing one, join a group, get a part time job, get involved in campaigning for a cause that matters to you. If you make a romantic relationship the most important thing in your life to the extent that there is nothing else that matters, it doesn't do you or anyone else any good. I'm not saying you should dump your new playmate: enjoy him, of course - but bear in mind that a person who is happy and involved in having a life is more appealing as a partner than one who doesn't seem to exist outside The Relationship.

Agree with RosemaryConley eater! Doing lots of things for you and building up your self-confidence is a great way to start. With time, you may be able to discuss your feelings of insecurity with your man and get the reassurance you want... My dp unfortunately struggles when I need reassurance and becomes defensive (he has his own 'issues' from a previous destructive relationship of his own)....

Thanks ladies for your reassuring words. I especially like what I Ate RC says about there being nothing wrong with trusting people. I can't ask for anymore reassurance from this man - he did phone last night and we had a wonderful chat, with me not showing one iota of insecurity. He even said it seemed as if we were on the same path. So, as a busy single mum with a full-time job I will try and get on with my life and look forward to his part in it!

Good luck mocca