How do people actually navigate NC with in-laws?

[Foxjonessssss]

Hi

I am NC with my in laws, SIL & her partner.
Long history but basically they never liked me, made that clear on the 2nd/3rd time I met them all. SIL literally took me to one side to say ‘btw, he’s my brother and we don’t care about you at all, you are nothing to us’. SIL was single at the time but has since included her partner in her version of me. At times it’s blown up, calling DP to tell lies about me, trying to interfere in our relationship, even phoning me to tell me DP was cheating when we had been together the day it supposedly happened, snide comments, tried to contact out ex’s to dig up dirt on us. So much I could write a book!

I went NC about 18 months ago. Wrote them a text each to explain why only MIL replied saying ‘oh what a shame’. I blocked them as I said I would. Silence from them for ages.

DP has very low contact and fully supports me in my decision. We have missed Christmas with them, birthday meals (although DP always sends a card and present).

Recently DP is getting more texts from them asking about him and his life, ‘worried about him’ as he is ‘stuck with me’ and other such rubbish. I think DP is starting to feel guilty so I said to maybe meet up with them have a coffee and just chat about him and his life. He isn’t sure he wants to but wants to talk about us occasionally going out for a meal with them (his dads birthday is next) he is keen to show a ‘defiant united front’ mainly to make them look silly and to see that we are happy. He doesn’t want to go alone as he feels this would show them our relationship is in trouble.

I don’t want to ever see them again. But care about DP and don’t want him to feel he can’t see his family.

Equally we have great relationship with my family and feel for him that he doesn’t have this with his own.

How do people actually manage this?!

I said DO was welcome to go and see them, and he was welcome to take the kids but I would not be going.

He went about once a year.

(He didn't like them much either).

Never took the kids.

Honestly I don't think a "defiant united front" is going to be presented if you both go. Realistically they will display the same behaviours they have previously, you will react the same way and previously, so will they - and in the end it's all the same.

I would 100% send DP off to meet them / manage the relationship with them by himself. That doesn't make your relationship look like it's in trouble at all, if anything being attached at the hip would!

You need to be in agreement that you are NC.

I went NC about 18 months ago. Wrote them a text each to explain why only MIL replied saying ‘oh what a shame’. I blocked them as I said I would. Silence from them for ages.

To be honest, that seems a rather inflammatory start to it, and I wonder if it's something that people thought would just settle?

I'm NC with my in-laws. They're horrible people. DH does harbour some hope that one day, we might have a relationship in some form, but he does not force this and has no expectations of me. He's free to have as much or as little contact with them as he wants, but he does not involve me or the kids, because they are absolutely toxic. Realistically, in the just over two years since I last saw them, he's seen them twice for 30 minutes each, and sent about four texts. They go through occasional spurts of sending random life updates/reminding him he has a wider family than just me/emotional blackmail, but he usually just ignores it.

He can choose to go to meals etc - just like your partner can - but he knows I won't be going, and neither will the children. Realistically, you won't be presenting a "defiant united front", you'll be backing down from the text to MIL and going back on the NC, which is not going to be an easy position for anyone.

With time, it becomes less dramatic.

We haven't seen dh's dps for over a decade!!
His relationship with his dm was fractuous at best.. She had had an affair (which ended) and her /fil and dh were rebuilding things. When I had a suspected medical episode and had a prem dc she still expected dh to attend a sporting event with her and fil meaning a week away. He refused and tbh their relationship never got back in track... She wasn't invited to our wedding... Sadly fil joined her in staying away.. Yet her version of events is very different.. Dh knows he is free to reinstate their relationship any time he likes (he doesn't) but dc won't be seeing them..

It had been bubbling for 2 years, but I tried to grin and bear it, tried to ignore it, try to argue my point. But SIL & her partner are ‘functioning alcoholics’ so very toxic everyday past about 5pm so you can never have a decent conversation with them to sort out any mess. And tbh I gave up trying. PIL pander to SIL and have always sided with her (even agreeing DP was cheating on me despite evidence to the contrary).

Last straw was SIL saying some truly awful things about my teenage DD as she has autism in front of her.

We don’t have any children together and won’t be having any. Obviously my DD has nothing to do with them at all and has actually only met them twice.

We are NC with BIL - over money, how he treats people in general, how he treated our DD
This was DH idea and i am more than happy to go along with it lol
There is no socials, no texts, no calls - nothing, just silence

MIL has started bringing up she wants us all at her 70th in a year or so and DH has already said it will not happen unless BIL apologizes and pays us whats owed. We wont be flying down just for it to end in arguments

Id be telling him he is free to have a relationship with them but your NC status stands.

I truly admire all of your standpoints:

I absolutely will have nothing to do with them. But will advise DP he can although it does give me anxiety. Because I can’t see how he wants to be involved with them at all as they are awful people tbh, but also I don’t want any more upset or anxiety about their latest revelation or story

You're right to stay NC, and also right to suggest your DH does go and meet them.

Don't let it make you anxious. Ultimately, if he's on the same page as you he will not tolerate them making any snide remarks about you. It's different for him as these people are actually his family.

You could ask him not to tell you anything about the meeting other than how it made him feel etc. eg you don't need to hear any of their latest dramas.

Mine live the other side of the world, I just blocked them all on social media. None of them noticed or commented. I didn’t announce that I wasn’t speaking to them etc first. it’s easy for me though as we don’t ever see them. There’s no FaceTimes, group chats or anything. So we were almost NC anyway.

Drop the rope, stop caring, stop being an audience to their melodrama. Grey rock them. Don't enquire, don't go to dinner, pretend they don't exist.

He wants—or needs—you to be his “meat shield.” He feels the tug of the relationship with them, the FOG an adult child feels dealing with erratic, enmeshed, controlling, addicted siblings and parents. He wants to go back to show off, shut them up, and out of “nostalgie de la boue.”
But he fears they will laugh at him, abuse him, confuse him, love bomb him and maybe even keep him from coming back. So he needs and wants your company.

Just stay out of it, as you are doing. He’s just your partner not your dh. You owe him and them nothing.

You went no contact. Your husband supports your decision but still has contact.

Have they had therapy or done any work to be anything but nasty to you? No?

Then why would you feel guilty? You have done nothing wrong here.

Tell your husband no contact means that. You don't want to hear about any of their texts or anything. They haven't changed, they just think they can suck him in. You will not be going to a meal with them to "show a defiant united front" because that is not what sharing a meal with them would be, it would be rug sweeping their terrible treatment of you. Or it would start a big public fight. Neither of those bring you peace or happiness.

No talking about his contact with them. Make sure they're blocked on your phone and keep your doors locked. No meetups. No nothing.

No contact with any of my in-laws at all for over 10 years. It's been bliss. Awful people.

Dh also doesn't have anything to do with them by choice as they weren't nice to him either (they mostly had it out for me but they don't treat him well either). I couldn't care less if he went to see them though. He's free to do what he wants.

He absolutely will not be taking our child over there if ever does though. I don't trust my in-laws. I certainly don't trust them with my son. I don't trust them not to bad mouth me and slag me off to him and I really don't trust them to be sensible and not put him in danger (some of the stories Dh has told me about being left in hot cars as a kid - YIKES!).

Tbh they have never been kind to DP, he tells me awful stories since childhood. All his ex’s have also come to blows with his family but most have just gotten over it to keep the peace. I am not like that. Once you have been so repeatedly disrespectful that’s it for me. I don’t owe them anything and tbh, I don’t like them.

DP doesn’t like them either but they are great at manipulating him.

Tell him he’s welcome to see them but you don’t want to hear about it.

Your DH must not succumb to the guilt and meet them out of guilt. They sound horrible and it's likely there is some emotional enmeshment going on between him and them. He needs to find a way to figure out how he actually feels about all of them putting words into his mouth and what the wants a relationship (if any) to look like if guilt doesn't exist.

Are you feeling a bit responsible for the distance between him and them, because you encourage him to meet them? It's not your responsibility or fault.

societal guilt you know the stuff
'they your family' 'do it for family' 'blood is thicker than water' BS

I largely tune out when MIL tries to bring up BIL to DH on the phone, let DH have his vent after. We both solid on what has to happen for us to even consider being in same room as BIL again

Yeah definitely. And his family are those people who can rewrite history. They have swore that black is white that events have not occurred or things have not happened. They will also never apologise but will belittle others for ‘carrying on the drama’ And it blows my mind tbh. But DP says it has always been like that.

I am fully aware that aside from protecting my peace. My NC with them just gives them more ammo to the tune that I am a drama queen and need to get over myself.

I just feel that I love my family, they are good kind people but also not local so we don’t seem them very much. When we spend time with them I know DP wishes his family were ok and we could do the same. He has made excuses for them a lot but it came to a point that he couldn’t any more

I understand that. Unfortunately, the most healing thing to do usually is to accept for DH that his family aren't as loving. It does often come with a period of grief, but in the long run it can be a very good thing to do emotionally and quite freeing. Good luck.

Yep BIL has tried to spin so much crap, rewrite history yet we have proof
Has MIL wrapped around his stories too

Reality is, NC or not, they would still pit you as the drama queen cos your an easy scape goat
Sit back and just 'yep, thats me i DGAF, now where is my wine'

Nobody believes them, if they are a pair of alcs, their audience will be small and no one believes them.

We are now either low/no contact with most of my husband's family. We have not seen BIL and his wife since our wedding in 2020, when they behaved despicably, and have no contact with the rest of his extended family (aunts/uncles and cousins), all of whom rejected our wedding invites on the basis that they don't like us being practising Catholics.

We have resumed low contact with his parents and grandmother (following almost 18 months of no contact following a disastrous holiday and that I won't go into here). This wasn't our choice, but after 18 months of showing no interest in their grandchildren, they started sending presents back at Christmas so we felt obliged to thank them. Since then, we have had minimal contact (just thank you emails for Christmas and birthday presents), but nothing beyond that. Hopefully this will remain the case.