No affection in relationship. What would you do?

[PrettyButterfly909]

Hi all,

Bit of a sensitive topic, but having a bit of trouble here and wondered if anyone had gone through the same thing, and if anyone managed to fix it. Me (34) and my partner (37) have been together for over 3 years, we own a house together and we have 1 child. The first two years were amazing. He was very affectionate and intimate, giving me lots of cuddles, kisses and generally feeling happy in the relationship. Fast forward another year, and it's the complete opposite. He hasn't reached out to hug me in over a year, doesn't kiss me unless it's a quick peck before he leaves for work and any attempt of me initiating sex almost always leads to him saying he is too tired and would prefer to go to sleep. I completely understand sex drives can come and go. But to not even have any basic affection, on top of no intimacy for over a year is really affecting me. He's openly said he's lost his interest in sex. Aside from this, he's a good man - who works to provide for the family and loves our child. We've committed to each other in pretty much ever way (not married) and I do love him so I don't want to leave over this and ruin a family. But continuing like this and feeling unloved, undesired and unwanted in my relationship is painful.... any ideas?

It's nobody's fault when they lose their sex drive.
Hormonal changes, mental health, difficulty coping with parenthood or other big life changes, a changing relationship dynamic, they can all lead to loss of libido.
Rather than being upset or frustrated, realise that this is not his choice. You should feel empathy and compassion, rather than frustration.

HOWEVER!
Losing your libido and NOT doing anything about it, that is a choice. Sex and intimacy is a normal part of every healthy relationship. It was part of your relationship before, so the premisse is that it will remain part of your relationship going forward. Admittedly, after parenthood, probably a less central or frequent part of your daily lives, but there nonetheless. One person can not just decide to turn a relationship into one without sex and intimacy.

It would be the same if suddenly I lost my ability to walk tomorrow. It would probably not be my fault. There's most likely an underlying medical condition. But imagine if I just said: well, that's it then. I can't walk anymore. So my husband better get used to taking over my roles in the household, driving around, groceries, picking up the kids from school. And there's no way I'll be seeing a doctor or trying to fix this. This is just who I am now, deal with it.

You see how incredibly selfish I would be for not even trying to get better?
Now, if I've tried everything I can and I still haven't regained my ability to walk, then it's just something everything has to come to terms with.
Same goes for lack of libido. Just accepthing this as your new reality without any effort from him to figure out why this has happened to what could be done about it, is selfish. He's gatekeeping your sex life, which is completely unfair.

You need to have a conversation and try to find out what's going on for him. I don't know many people who are happy celibate in their 30s.

It could be anything: physical problem, stress, depression, another woman or he's no longer attracted to you. Sometimes relationships run their course.

You need to know so you can make a decision about what to do.

I don't want to leave over this and ruin a family. But continuing like this and feeling unloved, undesired and unwanted in my relationship is painful.... any ideas?

Truth -
He's not interested in sex ... With you.
As soon as an opportunity arises of sex with someone else, he'll take it.
Meanwhile your life is ticking by, you'll be dead and gone eventually and every day you're waiting for this arsehole to be the man you want, you're wasting your chances of meeting the man you want.

Time and again.. men love bomb, be what they want the woman to be, it lasts long enough for them to get the claws into her, kids come and that's it, he's trapped her and she's unwilling to leave even whilst being treated like shite.

Fuck that shit.

Thanks for your thoughts both, he is still adamant he loves me. And it doesn't help that I'm a more physical person than he is. So I'm struggling more with the lack of affection, that he doesn't seem to need or want. Ive suggested him talking to a doctor, but he's not keen. Instead he's getting frustrated of me trying to talk to him about what's going on. It's like he expects me to just be okay with this change and to carry on as normal. Personally, I can't understand how you can love someone but not want to show affection etc (if it was already in the relationship to start with)...

You know where you stand. He's happy celibate with no affection and you're not. He's not going to do anything to change so you need to decide what you want to do.

Ankhmo: pretty much nailed it I think. It's even more annoying that I've been through something like this before and that ended (but the other guy was emotionally abusive). It certainly feels sometimes that he was pretending to be this affectionate loving person, and now we've got a mortgage and a child together he doesn't have to pretend... it baffles me why some men do this.

hmmm, I think this applies both ways

This sounds unlikely. He hasn't just stopped being affectionate, he has lost all interest in sex at 37. That sounds more likely that something is going on.

But you can't just wait indefinitely. At some point there needs to be an answer as to what is going on. When you talk about it how does that normally happen? How does he respond? Have there been any life events or other physical changes?

He's not very open to discussions and quickly becomes defensive (I think we both do) and communication quickly breaks down. He just keeps saying he doesn't know why he's not interested in sex anymore and he can't give me an answer. Which gets us nowhere.

But what is he doing to figure it out?
Not knowing is part of the process. It doesn't end there.
You deserve so much better.

@PrettyButterfly909 What is your (gut/intuition) telling you? Advice from strangers can be so helpful 😊 by having new perspectives.
When i read your post first thought was you deserve to feel special (we all do).
How old are you all ? Hopefully you get the advice you are looking for.

At his age I would be suspecting some kind of affair.

It’s either depression, medical issue he needs to look at or he’s into something else that he’s not telling you.

What to look at:

Has there been any traumas or bereavements in the past year.

Has there been sudden changes to his weight - gained it or lost it

Something as simple as quitting smoking can change him until he’s completely chemically balanced again.

Do medical exam get testosterone levels checked etc.

Did you drink alcohol before sex before you had kids, maybe he needs booze to feel confident etc. Did he ever smoke cigarettes, weed or on any prescription or non-prescription drugs, then stop… that will impact his drive.

He might be embarrassed to express his desires, to not be judged so make it a safe place for him to tell you anything. Try doing something you used to do in early days that you don’t do now when you were always intimate.

Without intimacy you are just friends so this is important to talk to him and your relationship, as it’s important for you too. If he truly loves you he will open up to ideas of route causes to get him wanting again, even see a doctor or therapist with you.