Sorry needed to rant… divorce and house sale

[CandyColouredEggshells]

I’m so fed up, STBXH has been a nightmare (aren’t they all I guess?) and I finally felt like I was getting somewhere. Our house is SSTC, I’ve had an offer accepted on the house I’m buying, he’d had an offer accepted. He is buying a house right by where I’m moving to and it took him 6 weeks to find somewhere whereas it only took me 1 but anyway.

I’m constantly trying to nicely arrange for us to start packing/dividing up furniture and DD’s stuff and he keeps being “busy” and going out with his new GF, even if I’ve prearranged. Some of it I can do by myself but I left him so I’m having to make specific trips there to sort things and take photos of things we’re going to sell/hire a company to remove. And even though I’ve done everything up until this point on my own I could really do with just a little help or at-least “no don’t get rid of that, I want it”.

Phoned the conveyancer yesterday to see if maybe we can hopefully move before 1st April and save on the stamp duty and she confirmed the sale is absolutely ready to go, my purchase is absolutely ready to go but they haven’t even requested searches on STBXH’s purchase because they were waiting for his id and then waiting for him to put money on the account and then (in his defence) his sellers changed solicitor. He’s lied to me and said the searches have been done.

Me and DD (9) are living out of bags and boxes and staying with my parents, last night she cried because she doesn’t want to live here anymore and wants her own bedroom. I tried calling him last night to ask him to chase the solicitor and again try and start packing things up and he just let me go to voicemail. Messaged him very civilly and called him again this morning and he’s just ignoring me now.

Don’t really know what advice, if any I want, I’m just exhausted and sick of feeling helpless.

can you sell the house and buy yours and his purchase is his own business?

If you have left him and are no longer living in the family home then there's no real reason why you should sort the stuff together.

He clearly doesn't want to spend time with you and won't do this.

Work out what you want and get it moved to a storage unit. Then what's left in the house is his, and when moving day comes it's his problem.

Can you decouple the sales? So he buys you out and then sorts his onward sale?

I suggested he move into rented accommodation or get an air b&b and was met with sheer disbelief that I thought that was a sensible suggestion. He said that was categorically not going to happen. I don’t think I can make him unfortunately.

You need to stop waiting for him.
Next time something needs to be sorted out, just text him:
I will be at the house Sunday the 16th between 10am and 4pm to sort out xyz.
If you want to be involved in sorthing these things out, please let me know before Friday at 10pm. If the mentioned time doesn't work for you, I expect you to suggest another date and time within a reasonable period. If I don't hear back from you or hear no suggestions for another time, I will assume you trust me to handle these things by myself. I will be packing, dividing and tossing items in a manner I see fit.

Then just get on with things. The more you wait for him, the more he gets to enjoy the power he still has over you.

I think it’s just because it’s awkward with his new GF and her kid being there and I have packed up all my stuff, there’s some of my things he’s “put somewhere and he doesn’t remember where but he hasn’t thrown them away” and things like furniture.

Think you’re right, I might have to just try and do it without him and get my stuff into storage. But he’s not going to be compliant at all with the idea of the sale completing and my purchase completing and his purchase being his problem.

I’m also worried about what if moving day comes and he just hasn’t sorted anything of his/the remaining furniture. We’ll both be in breach of contract because it’s a joint sale so it will be very much my problem.

Arrange for a storage unit, move his stuff there, and tell him you’ve paid for X days. Stop doing his emotional and physical labor. This is just another way for him to control and abuse you.

You worrying about moving day and whether or not he's moved his things, is exactly why he's doing this. Remember that.

He doesn't want to be in breach of contract either! He doesn't want the hassle of not being able to buy his next property because he hasn't handled the old one properly. But he knows that stalling to the very last moment is going to drive you nuts.

I've gone through this with my ex. I couldn't purchase my next property until the sale was closed, but he made sure to be homeless and racked with gambling debt right before the sale. He kept trying to agitate me by not clearing this belongings from the property because he had nowhere to put them. But he also wasn't actively looking for a new place. What I heard from the neighbours, he was in the house late the last night until almost dawn clearing out his things, to be in the notary's office by 10pm for the sale, to which he came a whopping 30 minutes late. I never reacted to any of his behaviour, even though it ate me up inside. But I just didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing how much he messed with my peace of mind.
At one point I did send a message to the notary and the new homeowners that whatever items were left in the home at the time of the sale would be forfeited. We would no longer collect them, and they could send me the bill for having them removed. Obviously my ex wasn't going to leave his belongings there.

This is a good idea, I’m actually thinking now of a two pronged attack, moving my stuff to storage so I can just get it moved into my new house and telling him to do the same. Don’t really want to pay for it twice, but if I’m sorting it for mine I’ll know how it all works.

You are right. I left because of abuse and control/anger issues. And he’s still trying to retain any shred of that he can.

Grey rock him. Give him 0 reaction. He has no control over you anymore other than in regards to custody. Narcissists like this will flail and spiral to try and make you upset. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Take back your power.

You’re right, I think it’s just because I know how calculated he can be, and at the same time his behaviour since I left I feel like I’m not 100% sure what he’s capable of, so I don’t want to push it and have him throw my stuff away or rehome my pets (I can’t have them with me where I am now unfortunately).

I'm looking into removal companies for the stuff I don’t want and they don’t seem as expensive as I feared so maybe telling my buyers to bill me for anything left doesn’t seem like the end of the world.

I did think surely STBXH can stay with his new girlfriend if the sale completes before he’s ready. But that’s none of my business. Lol.

I would be tempted to book a 2nd van for the day for his stuff/anything left behind. Just to remove the areas from yourself.

Regarding the 1st April I would just pass comment that you are surprised he doesn't want to save £x in stamp duty be ensuring completion is before then.