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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Negative about everything

21 replies

Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:05

Is anyone else's DH grumpy and negative?
Everything I do, he either comes up with a million reasons why it won't work, or he undermines me. I'm getting fed up with it.

In the beginning he was sweet and respectful but now he seems to take every opportunity to be anti. If I say someone is bothering me, he will leap to their defence. He also does this cruel sort of teasing, implying people don't like me or that I must be hard work.

I've laughed it off but am getting worn down by it. I guess the solution is to turn off & not feed it. But it's hard to be starved of affection like this.

Can anyone relate to this?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 11/02/2025 01:08

Gosh that sounds like an unsustainable way of living. How long have you been together

Original poster
Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:14

3 years but have known each other a very long time. He does often say that he can't stay away from me & it feels it was "meant to be" but I point out to him that he needs to be nicer to me if that's the case cos I don't want to be in a crappy relationship.

OP posts:
Ph3 · 11/02/2025 01:18

Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:14

3 years but have known each other a very long time. He does often say that he can't stay away from me & it feels it was "meant to be" but I point out to him that he needs to be nicer to me if that's the case cos I don't want to be in a crappy relationship.

3 years??? How old is he?? Do you have kids?? Is there any resentment there?

Original poster
Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:31

He's mid 50s and we don't have kids together. What do you mean by resentment?

Wondering if anyone else has the same & how they cope with it.

OP posts:
BaMamma · 11/02/2025 01:34

Yep, that’s why he’s my ex husband now

Original poster
Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:35

Tell me more. At what stage did you decide to divorce him?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 11/02/2025 01:36

Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:31

He's mid 50s and we don't have kids together. What do you mean by resentment?

Wondering if anyone else has the same & how they cope with it.

I mean does he resent you for anything and that’s why he is treating you like this? I would sit him down discuss it a length, suggest counselling and if neither of these would help then I would have to leave… not living with someone that is constantly attacking me. I want to be safe in my own home

Original poster
Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:41

Thanks. We don't live together, so I feel safe in my own home & generally in myself. We have discussed it before but he's not forthcoming with why he does it. In the distant past he'd say he resents that we didn't get together before & have kids together. He only said that once, I wonder if he sometimes feels resentful of my career & freedom. I'm not sure about counselling but will have a think. I don't want to leave because when he is positive & chilled, things are great and loving. It's when these phases happen that he's very hard work.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 11/02/2025 01:42

One of my friends has a husband like this. Somehow she lets it wash over her and remains sunny & upbeat. She also spends a lot of time away from home seeing friends without him (they are retired)

Original poster
Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:42

To clarify - he only said it at one stage, in the first year or so. Then he stopped saying it so I think he got his head together over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:44

HideousKinky · 11/02/2025 01:42

One of my friends has a husband like this. Somehow she lets it wash over her and remains sunny & upbeat. She also spends a lot of time away from home seeing friends without him (they are retired)

Thank you for this. I admire your friend for being able to let it wash over her. I could do with being like that. Maybe I'm too reactive. Yes, I've noticed he is better if I back off & go and do my own thing for a bit.

OP posts:
BaMamma · 11/02/2025 01:48

Anotherduvet · 11/02/2025 01:35

Tell me more. At what stage did you decide to divorce him?

When I realized the effect he was having on our daughter. I’d been trying to ignore it or gloss over it for the sake of family, but when I opened my eyes to that damage we were done. I’d’ve left sooner if I hadn’t hoped to keep the family together.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 08:44

I think often this comes from a place of low self esteem and jealousy on his part. He is likely projecting and trying to knock you down so that he can feel better about himself - whenever you have a success he takes the shine off and whenever you enjoy something he makes you seem silly for doing so.

Sounds like it’s about time you told him you’ve had enough and you want to take a break from the relationship so you can stop being put down all the time and see if it makes him realise how serious you are about it and make a change. Also gives you some time to see how it would be without him and that influence. Then, with some clarity on how seriously he takes it, how willing he is to change and how you feel without him, you can make the decision that’s right for YOU.

speakball · 11/02/2025 09:08

Sounds like a man who needs to denigrate others to feel better especially when it’s someone who he’s supposed to feel warmly towards. I’m curious about your childhood. Has someone in your past modelled tolerating neglect and abuse in a relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2025 09:19

What speakball wrote here.

re your comment:
"I don't want to leave because when he is positive & chilled, things are great and loving"

That's an error of judgment.

I would think that the amount of time he is now both positive and chilled has reduced markedly over time. Thankfully you do not live with him. You remind me of the frog in the boiled frog analogy; abuse does creep up on people unaware and over a period of time.

What he is showing you in your comment is actually the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Did anyone ever tell you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?.

RubyRedBow · 11/02/2025 09:21

Mine can be negative about his own things but when it comes to me he is the most positive person. I don’t know why he can’t be more positive about his own life but he lifts me up and encourages me like nobody else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2025 09:25

If counselling is to be considered here go on your own. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue, it is about power and control. It is HE who is really all of those things he accuses you of and he is projecting his own self onto you. This is who he is and always has been too. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Would urge you to contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about this individual.

babasaclover · 11/02/2025 09:25

HideousKinky · 11/02/2025 01:42

One of my friends has a husband like this. Somehow she lets it wash over her and remains sunny & upbeat. She also spends a lot of time away from home seeing friends without him (they are retired)

This is quite sad though to basically be getting away from him the whole time to be happy? Totally understand why she does it though

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2025 09:28

HideousKinky · Today 01:42

One of my friends has a husband like this. Somehow she lets it wash over her and remains sunny & upbeat. She also spends a lot of time away from home seeing friends without him (they are retired)

I hope she manages to leave her abusive H one day for good as well as going out without him. She cannot afford to potentially become her abuser's carer.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/02/2025 09:51

You have your own life and you are wasting valuable time being around someone who treats you like this.
It doesn’t matter how long you have known him or his nice he is when he’s in the mood, the fact that he behaves like this at all is a red flag.
He’s in his 50’s. He’s not going to change I am afraid.
You should feel loved and cherished not put down.
Raise your bar.

HideousKinky · 11/02/2025 10:10

AttilaTheMeerkat
babasaclover

I agree with you both - it is sad and also abusive. I don't know how/why she puts up with it (I certainly wouldn't). They are like chalk & cheese, she the cheerful eternal optimist and he the gloomy pessimist. She has tried to get him help for depression but he won't see anyone. They have been together for 45 years which I guess is part of why she sticks with him? I asked her once how they came to get together in the first place, bearing in mind they are so different, and she said he wasn't like this when he was young.... I didn't contradict her, but that's not quite true (he was a colleague of mine 40 years ago so I knew him then) and he had a reputation for being difficult to like even then

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