Not sure what if this is historic SA *TW*

[Orangetree123]

I have been thinking more recently about something that happened almost 30 years ago and guess I wanted to get others take on what this was, and what I should do about it. It’s really started to weigh heavily on my mind.

When I was 17, I started a job at a local company, where I was effectively a trainee in the office. The company was small and only around 15 people worked in the office. My manager was a fierce woman who was an absolute bully and I decided after a few months I would resign because she was just so awful to me.

I was a young 17, very naive and had led a sheltered life, I also didn’t have many friends at the time I could run this past.

One of the directors of the company, at the time a 49 year old married man, asked me on the day I left if I’m would speak to him about this manager as he was trying to sack her. He told me we would need to do this in the pub because other people may hear.

We went straight from work to a pub near to my flat which was around 10 miles away. I didn’t drink at that time so we sat in the pub while he pretended to listen to my story.

He told me he would run me home and then asked if he could come in because he needed to use the toilet. I felt he had been really kind and didn’t cross my mind he could be a threat.

Wheh he came in he told me how much he liked me, and he was sorry to see me go but hoped I would help him getting the case together for the manager. He then started to kiss me and touch me in a way I felt so uncomfortable with. I told him my brother was coming round soon so he would leave.

around 2 weeks later he turned back up at my flat and told me he had important news. This time he went further and we had sex. I have never seen this as rape as I didn’t strictly say no or fight him off, but I wasn’t a true willing participant, I felt pressured and trapped.

I’ve never been able to let go of this and always thought no one would see my side. This man will now be nearly 80, if he is still alive.

what do I do about this? Would the police even listen to me after all this time? Should I go to the company as it was a director of their company who did this? At the time one of the older ladies had told me the girl before me had left because of him but didn’t explain any further.

I just feel I should do something, it has weighed heavy on me all these years, I’ve always felt disgusted in myself but I’m now starting to think maybe it wasn’t my fault?

Just realised the title doesn’t make sense 🤦‍♀️

It should say ‘ Not sure if this is historic SA’

I'm not sure of the answer OP, but I wanted to say something as it's horrible to have these things hanging over you for years.

Somewhere deep inside, you've known it's been wrong for years, and these things can impact the rest of our lives. I've got examples of similar things, and I think many women have.

I've never reported mine. I recently went into a pub with some friends and ended up staring into the face of my abuser (I was 13, he was 17 when we first got together) after not seeing him for nearly 40 years. I don't know if he recognised me, but he drank up sharply and left.

I guess I wouldn't want to drag it all up, but part of me would like the validation because I spent years thinking that, and other stuff was my fault, and it really wasn't. Now I know that life is much better, and counselling helped me get to that point.

Maybe some counselling would help you make further decisions about it. Good luck 🌼

Thank you for replying, it’s an awful feeling isn’t it, because I feel exploited and manipulated by a man who knew exactly what he was doing, and I was barely an adult.

In your situation, there’s no justification for his behaviour whatsoever.

I wonder if these men look back and feel in any way bad, or just think you were a ‘willing participant’ so there’s nothing to feel bad about.

Maybe I should look into counselling, my adult sense of worth wants to protect the little vulnerable girl I was and it all feels so unjust and predatory when I look back on it

I'm sorry you had this experience. It sounds like it was rape. Often we freeze or fawn in these situations, rather than fight or flight.

I doubt he thinks of it as sexual assault in those terms at all, but it was predatory and clearly planned. (I think there have been studies where the language used had different responses from men about the same behaviours, so they would admit to sexually coercive behaviour when talking about sex, but not if it was identified as rape/sa.)

If you do decide to report, please make sure you have lots of support emotionally, as it can be very difficult. You might want to talk to Rape Crisis or similar before you decide.

As you said, you don't know if he's even alive at this point.
Historic SA cases tend to be children who were abused, who obviously couldn't report at the time. You were technically an adult so, whilst I understand why you didn't, I think the view would be that you could have reported him back then. Also the fact you were an adult means he would just say you consented (if he even would admit to having sex with you). Whereas obviously when it's a child, there is no consent. I can't see it going anywhere now. And it's never an easy thing to report.

I'm sorry for what you went through but you'd be better focusing on yourself and getting some counselling. It wasn't your fault. He was a predator and you were young and vulnerable.

I think many of us have had similar experiences. I know I did. But I guess I just let it go. It wasn't right but like you, I didn't say no or put up any kind of resistance. So I've just accepted it as a mistake I made.

OP legally I don't know what you can do but you can contact the Survivors Trust. They have a really good helpline and can signpost you to specialist counselling.

I have a similar bad feeling about 2 things that happened to me as a teenager. I am in my 40’s and it weighs heavy now because I often wonder if I had said something (could only really have said something about 1 event as my parents should have advocated for me for 1 of them but didn’t) maybe it would have helped another woman who has since had a bad experience with those men. I don’t know the name of one of them and the other would have been classed as a minor anyway so there’s not a lot I feel I can do but I want to tell you that I think many of us have experiences like this that haunt us. Could you maybe approach the
police and let they know you want it on record in case other woman have complained?

What a horrible inaccurate post! 😡 Please ignore this one OP!

I guess I get where this poster is coming from, but it seems more sordid than just a couple having sex and me not putting up resistance or saying no. He was a senior manager, 30 years my senior deliberately setting up meetings in private so he can take advantage. I was 17, with my notes all ready to discuss it with him, when in fact he had no such intention

Feels predatory, grubby and just disgusting

Sorry that happened to you, it just feels so wrong now you are an adult doesn’t it.

I do tell myself that my response as an adult would be a lot different, and hindsight is 360, but I wouldn’t have put myself in such a vulnerable position at this age. I guess that’s why men like that target the young impressionable girls.

i remember him telling me ‘to not get too fond of him’ as he was married. How absolutely fucking disgusting

Yes it’s annoying because you have all the skills to deal with it now but of course you were vulnerable back then which is what they knew and took advantage of. I would be tempted to find him on social media and tell his wife! They’re predators and I have no doubt that the ‘man’ in my case must have gone on to do other questionable things because it was actually disgusting and almost certainly a SA looking back and it’s unlikely that he did it once and never again!

I’m sorry for you too.

I don't know what your problem is with my post. Do you genuinely think this would go anywhere at this point?? Really? It's hard enough to prove rapes that happen now. I'm not going to encourage OP to report it, knowing what she'd go through by reporting it, when it would be better for her to focus on her own healing.

I have experience of this. I reported a rape in 2017. It was a horrendous 18 months so called "investigation" and went nowhere. Something that happened 30 years ago, where she admits she didn't say no or give any outward signs she objected? Not a chance.

I acknowledged in my post that he was a predator and OP was vulnerable. I never defended him.

I meant 17 is not ‘technically’ an adult .. at 17 you’re still ‘technically’ a child. More importantly, historic SA is not mainly children! Many adult women suffered historic SA but for whatever reason couldn’t report at the time, many just coming forward now. @DancingLions post screams victim blaming to me which is completely untrue and unacceptable.

I hope you’re ok OP. In the first instance I’d try to access some counselling to help make sense of it all.

My problem with your post is the victim blaming that comes across. 17 is not technically an adult, still technically a child. Historic SA is not mainly children! Many adult women have been historically SA and were unable to report at the time for many reasons. You are downplaying this situation and historic SA in general and that’s bang out of order!

I’m sorry for what happened to you, but don’t put your experience onto others.

So I've just accepted it as a mistake I made.

I think it's this bit.

And I feel sad that you look at what happened to you like that, because it's not your fault that you weren't the perfect victim who knew what to say or do at the time to stop the guy.

It's a mistake he made. Or rather a bad thing he did.

The age of consent is 16, so for these purposes OP would be classed as an adult. There are some situations where someone can still be prosecuted, say a teacher and their 17yr old student. But generally, it's 16. That's why I said "technically" to show that I didn't agree but that is what the law says.

And yes, of course women can be victims of historic SA. I didn't say they couldn't. But getting a conviction is going to be a lot harder, virtually impossible in most cases. That said, I can see I didn't phrase that paragraph well and should have said "most convicted cases are those involving children". I didn't make that clear.

As horrible as it is, what he did to you, and yes it was absolutely rape, I think the bigger question I'd like to ask is: what do you need to be able to heal?
I'm a psychologist and I've worked with SA victims quite a few times, and whenever they ask me whether or not they should press charges - no matter how long ago it took place - I always say the same thing:

Some people need to press charges to be able to heal. To get their voice out there. To help others build a case of anyone else comes forward. To get that recognition that this happened to you and it shouldn't have.
Others heal very differently, and would even say that having their complaint discarded and not taken seriously was almost as big of a trauma as the actual rape itself.
It's not up to anyone to decide how you need to heal. It's important to stay true to yourself.
Know that if you press charges, if he's even still alive, the odds are disgustingly high that nothing will come of it. That's part of the injust system we live in. It sucks, but it's a reality. But if you need this to get your message out, then don't let that stop you. Someone somewhere may be better off because of what you do.
However, if you're looking for that validation - understandably so - if you need to feel understood, if you need people to tell you it wasn't your fault and he was a pig for what he did, then there are other ways to do that then just by pressing charges. There are communities, therapy groups, support systems, books to read. You could even do some sharing of your own. Maybe some day your healing process will help others who go through the same thing.
I once worked with an elderly woman who had been SA's repeatedly in another country, from where she fled and came to Europe as a refugee. After she found a way to cope with her own trauma, she did wonderful things in her community for young women who went through the same thing.

So ask yourself: what do you need to heal?