Hate my DH and can't shake it off, leave?

[Normalpeople28]

Everything is such a mess. I've no idea how to fix this one. I'm overseas (from UK) with DH and DD (4). We've been here for 5 years. Initially DH moved for an amazing job role & eventually I moved mid pandemic when I found out I was pregnant & lost my job due to the pandemic decimating my industry. It's been a rocky 5 years, 1DD with ASD, a DH with severe depression & a severe breakdown (his). I've had 2 serious diagnoses (no cure but can be managed) and my dad had cancer. 3 months ago DH got fired. Prior to that we were already struggling and now it feels so much worse. He is applying for jobs but when hes not applying for jobs he spends hours lying on the sofa and does absolutely zero to help with DD. Hes always been bone idle but now hes not working its really winding me up. The tension is unbearable. We had 6 months of couples therapy before he was fired & it hasn't helped. I'm so resentful that he does nothing to help at home and he that he got sacked. And he's full of resentment towards me for not getting a job. I worked part time remotely when I first moved, but my industry doesn't exist here. Last year I retrained, only had childcare from September last year and between Sept and January I was studying the local language full time to meet the visa requirements. I was fully committed to our plan of staying here long term and now it feels like it's gone out of the window. It's unlikely DH will find work here. I've applied for 20 jobs here in the last 4 weeks doing all sorts and not heard anything back. I did apply for a role in the UK doing what I did before I moved & had a reply straight away so I think there is a way back for me. I feel so isolated. I don't know if I'm romanticising about my old life but I need to work again, to have control of my life. DH could work back in London but is adamant he won't go. He says he wants to move somewhere else abroad and sees my craving for stability and consistency as a lack of ambition. What do I do? My gut feeling is to get back to my old career path in the UK before it's too late and then see how that feels, gives myself options regarding separation. Right now I feel totally stuck and in a lonely miserable marriage.

Oh my goodness @Normalpeople28 that sounds rotten.

It sounds like you've tried so hard to keep things together and follow DH's career & life, but it's simply not worked.
You've had a very full plate & you can't carry on like that.

I'm wondering what he would do if you gave him a very genuine ultimatum, but suspect that he would simply blame you in future for anything that wasn't a success. Maybe this really is the time for a divorce.

So please don't give up on your own hopes and dreams - now is the time for you to plan for your own future, for you and your family. Come back home, build your life, enjoy doing what you want & need to do.

Get legal advice before making any plans to return to the UK.
It is possible you cannot bring your child back here without his agreement.

Hey I was wondering if your DH may have ASD? It’s often genetic and mid life breakdowns (burnouts) can be a sign.

i agree with the PP that you need to take control of your life. It sounds like a good idea to go back to your career. Would you be able to do that if your DH didn’t come back too?

What would he say if you suggested you went back to your UK career with DD and that would 'buy him a bit of time to get a job anywhere that suited him?' After which you could go out to (new country where DH has a job).
Or better - just divorce him.

@CactusForever @Bonbon21 we both have temporary permits (mine and DD expire very imminently) and I'm not convinced they will be renewed as neither myself or DH are working. So potentially we will have no choice but to move. I think DH would move back to the UK if I insisted or had a job offer. I think it some ways he might feel relieved if I took the pressure away from him instigating a move by losing his job. That said, he still seems hell bent on moving abroad. At this stage I'm only willing to move somewhere I can work, be near family and support (to feel less isolated) and find a good school for DD. I hate to move her as she's settled there and we had problems in the last school with her ASD, it was a bad fit so now I feel under pressure to find the right place. I don't know that it's London as she doesn't cope with noise, lots of people, dirt (sensory overload) but it's really the only place I can easily work and I suppose I should try it. I've lived there before, have friends and know my way around. We have a flat there that's rented out but it's only a 1 bed. Financially I don't know how to make it work right now. It feels like salaries haven't gone up since I left but cost of living is so much higher.
I do think DH could have ASD - his therapist diagnosed him with a personality disorder and depression but I notice he doesn't have any empathy - not in a malicious way. He just doesn't get it. He can't read a room. Often does and says things that are odd without realising. I dont think he ever had a serious relationship until we met, maybe 1 or 2 girlfriends. And he's incredibly clever with an amazing memory. But he's never been diagnosed, nor would he seek a diagnosis.

@Ariela he might consider it. He's talked about doing it in reverse - he goes off abroad and we stay put. The main thing for me is to find a job and find the right school for DD as I suspect I will have to declare her diagnosis even though she's very high functioning she is unravelling a bit at school now.

@DoNoTakeNo after 15 years together I'm coming to the realisation that things aren't going to improve and he's not going to change. Whatever gold he has it's the wrong shaped pot of gold and he's never happy. I don't think he ever will be. I felt as though I prioritised DH, my DD and family for the last 5 years at the detriment to my own well being, hopes, ambition. I had my dream career in London before I moved. I hadn't wanted to move but covid and pregnancy took that decision out of my hands and the most practical thing was to move. I had been working towards this moment where DD was settled in school, DH settled in his job and where I'd learnt the local language and retrained and could finally prioritise myself and what I wanted and I felt like that evaporated overnight, that i won't ever be the priority unless I insist on it.
When DH is away, life feels easier, lighter - I find DD is easier to manage. I wonder if she feels it too. Like we are are constantly on egg shells around him, at the mercy of his depressive episodes. And now lately I feel like his moods are contagious, I don't want to be around him. I try to keep things as fun, upbeat as possible for my daughters sake. DH are barely speaking, only at surface level.

How would you feel if you came back to the UK to a place of your choosing with your daughter and he went off and did whatever he wanted in another country? If he said he was going to do that for EG a couple of years how would you feel?

Come home, it’s up to him if he returns with yo7 or not

time to put you and DD first

You've done everything to make things work. He hasn't and still isn't.

When DH is away, life feels easier, lighter - I find DD is easier to manage. I wonder if she feels it too. Like we are are constantly on egg shells around him

This says it all, really. No-one should have to live on their toes like that, and it will have long-term adverse effects on both you and DD. I salute your pro-active attitude to all of this. It would be easy to just settle into mutual resentment, resigning yourself to years of numbness while hoping pathetically for a miraculous improvement.

When someone doesn't understand other people's feelings and has a limited emotional range themselves, nothing can alter them. It's how they're made, whatever the cause or the label. There are people who prefer this in a partner; I'm not among them (I tried for a while!) It's not wrong to acknowledge that it's hurtful to you. Being brutally detached here, it may even be kinder to free him up for some future partner with different needs.

Have you ever talked about separating? What's his attitude?

Poor you. If visa isn't going to be renewed, I'd just start applying for uk jobs, and once got one, go back to the London flat, at least temporarily.

I think as your dh is struggling he may not be able to think sensibly and is burying his head. In your situation I would apply for London jobs and head back to the flat if the schools in the area are suitable for dd. If not can you look to rent on the outskirts of the city and commute in so less busy areas for dd. If he comes it’s up to him. How will you feel if he doesn’t?

If you can insist on a move back to the UK, I would, rather than trying a new country.

Then if your marriage falls apart, at least you're not stuck abroad. If you sort things out, you can decide to move away again together.

I think you both need to move back to London. You will get jobs, you will have a much better life.

Don’t know where you have moved. We moved to Germany. Honestly, sock to the system. The country is 200 years behind the UK in so many things. Despite popular belief the UK is one of the best countries to live. Plus, with respect to your child’s ASD, none is so far ahead with managing this as the British.

Move back even as a single mother. I understand that at the moment you are a “married single mother” anyway. Gettig rid of his burden will lift a lot of weight off his shoulders.

@Christl78 nailed it.

Please come home OP & rebuild your life

Shortly you will have to leave due to visa. Have something for yourself to move to.
Find a job in a place back home that will suit you and DD.
Ask DH to come home and seek help for his depression.
He could find a job that has contacts and options for living over seas in future perhaps, an International company.

Then that will be a decision for the future - in a few years -whether you all have an adventure together overseas or whether just DH does.

You are both in a big mess, as you say, so choosing something secure will hopefully give you time to get your old selves back.