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Original poster

Am I being cynical or is he actually genuine?

10 replies

Cynical86 · 10/02/2025 17:38

I'm just wondering if I am the problem. I have had such a rough time with men I met both in real life and on the apps these last couple of years. I have met players, functioning alcoholics, f#ckboys, ghosters etc
I have now met someone about a month ago, we have had 6 dates already, I literally cannot fault him in any way, it's been green flag after green flag, He's reliable, considerate, has bought me little gifts, doesn't pressure me to have sex. He's also a brilliant dad to his 2 kids. He makes plans with me , he never cancels or plays games..
I'm not used to this at all and I can't help wondering is it all fake or is there actually genuine men out there like this.
Basically it seems too good to be true.
I find myself wanting to test him and sabotage the whole thing. WTF is wrong with me? Why can't I just trust that he's a good guy? I'm obviously carrying baggage/trauma from how I've been treated in the past and so I don't know what healthy relationship looks like and am suspicious of all men even if they are treating me well.
The only thing that concerns me is that he got divorced last year after a 20 year marriage and I think I might be the first person he's dated since. That does make me wonder does he not want to play the field for a bit or is he still hurting over his ex (she left him)
Any advice appreciated, thank you

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 10/02/2025 17:42

I agree, it does sound good.

it did cross my mind, that I wondered if he was trying to be the perfect boyfriend, as a two fingers to his ex. Ie. Look what you’re missing out on. Why did they split?

CulturalNomad · 10/02/2025 17:47

It's entirely possible that he is a genuinely decent man; they really do exist! However, you've only known him a month and a healthy degree of caution is smart.

Take it slow and take your time getting to know each other. No need to "test" him; people reveal themselves over time. It's very early days. Enjoy dating for now and see if he's relationship material. Be cautious and trust your instincts. Good luck!

Original poster
Cynical86 · 10/02/2025 17:50

@Snowmanscarf I think she said she had fallen out of love with him

OP posts:
Lucy20333 · 10/02/2025 17:53

Cynical86 · 10/02/2025 17:38

I'm just wondering if I am the problem. I have had such a rough time with men I met both in real life and on the apps these last couple of years. I have met players, functioning alcoholics, f#ckboys, ghosters etc
I have now met someone about a month ago, we have had 6 dates already, I literally cannot fault him in any way, it's been green flag after green flag, He's reliable, considerate, has bought me little gifts, doesn't pressure me to have sex. He's also a brilliant dad to his 2 kids. He makes plans with me , he never cancels or plays games..
I'm not used to this at all and I can't help wondering is it all fake or is there actually genuine men out there like this.
Basically it seems too good to be true.
I find myself wanting to test him and sabotage the whole thing. WTF is wrong with me? Why can't I just trust that he's a good guy? I'm obviously carrying baggage/trauma from how I've been treated in the past and so I don't know what healthy relationship looks like and am suspicious of all men even if they are treating me well.
The only thing that concerns me is that he got divorced last year after a 20 year marriage and I think I might be the first person he's dated since. That does make me wonder does he not want to play the field for a bit or is he still hurting over his ex (she left him)
Any advice appreciated, thank you

Firstly sorry to hear your struggling with trauma and past bad relationships.

Genuine good men do exist.

What you must not do is sabotage this yourself. You will then always wonder what if. If you having such a great time enjoy it, lap it up, try not to take anything too seriously until you are ready and sure see it as he’s a friend for now you’re just having fun with until you know more.
Follow your gut, see how it pans out.

I totally understand why you concerned about his ex… 20 years us a long time and it’s normal to ask questions only he can answer… if she left him is he still in love with her?
Do you know why they split up? Did he cheat or her on him? Or did they both simply fall out of love or never really in life to begin with but stayed together until kids were older and agreed on the split?

You should be able to pick up anything from asking questions as you get to know him which is fair to ask as you date.

Original poster
Cynical86 · 10/02/2025 18:04

@Lucy20333 thank you, it was definitely her that initiated the split and said she didn't love him anymore , I know he definitely didn't cheat or anything like that. So yeah it just makes me wonder if he still loves her and is trying to make her jealous or trying to fill a void

OP posts:
Doobeedoodoo · 10/02/2025 18:10

He might be a good one. Keep your eyes peeled though, 6 dates is not a lot.

I always find that having first disagreements/arguments is quite revealing. Im guessing you haven’t had any yet. Wait for that. It doesn’t have to be something big. Maybe he says something that rubs you the wrong way, maybe you disagree with his attitude/view of something. The way he will address that will tell you a lot about what kind if person he is.

Give it time, you don’t need to sabotage things to test him, these things will occurr naturally.

CulturalNomad · 10/02/2025 18:13

just makes me wonder if he still loves her and is trying to make her jealous or trying to fill a void

Or perhaps that after being divorced for a year he's simply ready to start dating again?

The end of a long marriage leads to a lot of complicated emotions. It's possible he does have lingering feelings for his former spouse which is yet another reason for you to take things slowly.

It's only been a month; don't become overly invested in any relationship after just a month! You'll know if he's good relationship material as time goes on.

Original poster
Cynical86 · 10/02/2025 18:18

@Doobeedoodoo he literally hasn't said one thing that has rubbed me up the wrong way. He's just textbook perfect to be honest! Respectful, not overbearing, good communicator.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 10/02/2025 18:29

Don't play games, but do notice how he reacts when you say no, or "no but..." to something. A useful indicator I find.

Lucy20333 · 11/02/2025 13:49

Cynical86 · 10/02/2025 18:04

@Lucy20333 thank you, it was definitely her that initiated the split and said she didn't love him anymore , I know he definitely didn't cheat or anything like that. So yeah it just makes me wonder if he still loves her and is trying to make her jealous or trying to fill a void

Might be none, one or all 3. But it’s unlikely he has suddenly stopped loving her as mother of his children. She might not be in love with him but she probably still cares or loves him in some way as 20 years is long time. Humans can’t just turn that off. But loving and being in love are 2 different things. Only spending time with him and listening will you feel if it’s right. Enjoy it and learn from your experience your having right now.

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