Would this upset you? ILs

[orlandob]

I have had some devastating news recently about a close member of my immediate family, who is terminally ill. It has been a lot to take in and very upsetting.

My DH has told his parents. They have known me for 30 years and have known my family member for this long too. They are in touch with DH but neither of them have been in touch with me or with my family member to say they are sorry about the news. I know 100% that if The situation was reversed, the person in my family would have been in touch with dh and his family to say they are sorry to hear the news and to ask after their wellbeing.

I feel so angry at the minute, as the news about my family member is so hard to bear, but this detail in particular seems to be making me angrier. I seem to be becoming fixated on it and can't get past it.

People who I have only a passing acquaintance with have shown me more kindness than my ILs since I found out this news, and I feel let down by them.

Is it too much to expect my ILs to acknowledge my bad news directly to me? Am I making too much of this?

Maybe they are waiting to see you in person or sent their well wishes via your husband.

They may be giving you space, and yes, you are fixating on this, but it's not surprising when your head is all over the place. Give them a chance, they may surprise you.

I would be upset to. I no longer speak with my bil and sil after the way they ignored the death of my close relative. I was in grief and couldn’t believe their lack of compassion. I couldn’t get over it.

What are they like normally OP? I personally might not message you, because I don't like people talking to me about things I'm very upset about. It doesn't mean I don't care.

I would be more likely to do something practical for the person like drop food shopping or medicine off, etc. My whole family is like this, we don't talk about things but your lawns been mowed and bins put out for you.

If they're at all like that, they probably do care but just feel they can't say anything that will help so giving you space. I would try not to focus on them right now.

I think it’s tricky. They may be struggling with their own feelings of shock and grief, as it sounds like they also know your family member, just obviously not as closely as you.

It may also be that they are afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing so prefer to go through your Dh. I’ll give you an example. I have stage 3 cancer, quite an aggressive one, I’m doing okay enough but realistically there is a chance the treatment may not be successful and I may not survive. MIL and BIL/SIL don’t ever ask how I am. Literally last time I saw BIL/SIL I had just gotten out of hospital, was swollen up like a melon and in so much pain I couldn’t even get out of bed to come downstairs to have dinner with them. They literally like didn’t really acknowledge it or ask how I was. I got one message like 4 months later saying hope treatment is going well.

I don’t think any of them are bad people or have ill intent. I think they just don’t quite know what to say about this really bad thing. And I actually think they aren’t sure if I even want to talk about it or if it will be too upsetting if they say something. Why not send them a message with an update? It opens the doors for a conversation and gives them a prompt to get out what they might need to say.

No, it wouldn't.

Your dh told them, and I presume they said something along the lines of "Oh no. I'm really sorry to hear that. Give Orlandob our love" at the time.

They will then presume that you are busy - whether that is practically, emotionally, or both, processing it and wouldn't want to bother you.

Given a few weeks, they will no doubt ask how your relative is getting along.

But I would neither expect, nor want my in-laws to be phoning me to ask about the situation, no.

I’m so sorry about your news OP. I’ve been there, I know how it feels. I remember this anger. Let this go if you can. Chances are they don’t want to intrude / don’t know what to say / think you will want space or a combination of all three. Focus your energies and emotions on what really matters. Take care.

Thanks everybody, the replies have helped put this in perspective. I know I need to focus on what matters.

They haven't seen me in person so maybe they are waiting for this. They are very practical people, and I know if we asked for practical help, they would provide it.