Coparenting nightmare

[orangesonatree]

Hi, please bear with me. Several years post separation, a couple post divorce, and he still makes my life miserable. We share custody of two DCs and the rollercoaster that was our marriage continues… just by proxy. When he’s fine, he’s fine. When he is in his phase, he is awful to kids and me too. Things escalated so much I involved external help recently and now he is working very hard to turn it all round and make it as if I am the malicious crazy one imagining things and making unjustified allegations (sorry can’t go into details so as not to out myself). He manipulates the kids, they have zero respect for me and are constantly defending him. Parenting them is not fun at best and impossible at worst. They have very little respect for me. They refuse to accept anyone from my circle so I’m effectively being isolated even though he’s no longer in my life. I don’t know even what I’m asking, maybe for some moral support. It feels like a life sentence…

Can anyone relate? 😔

More specific info might help OP

How old are the children?

They are 9 and 13… I’m sorry I feel a bit anxious giving more details. There’s a history of DV which he has continued to deny all this time.

I think I can relate. Similar aged children to you as well. Have you established boundaries so that the good cop/bad cop behaviour doesn’t affect you and the children so much? Clear arrangements for overnight, holidays etc (so minimise unnecessary comms) and use a messaging platform?

Please can you give one example of how the DC defend their Dad?

@Exhaustedbyitall we have an established routine but he always finds opportunity to insert myself during my time with the boys… or bother me directly… if I don’t respond immediately I get attacked and sent essays about my behaviour…
the boys will say things to me which I know they heard from him, and they shouldn’t hear at all (adult matters but also twisted and distorted)…
how they defend him? Gosh now you put me on the spot I can’t think of a good example but essentially I get blamed for everything and he can do no wrong…

It sounds as if it isn’t healthy (for you) to be replying immediately to his demands. I would remove that to start with (use the OFW (Our Family Wizard) portal or even a dedicated email address for non urgent comms, and check it every day and not more often). Say he can only call/text you if truly urgent and (if he abuses that) then block him and give him a third party’s number.

If he is saying anything that is distorted to your children make sure that you correct them (he has inserted them into adult matters/put them in the middle and not you). This is something I was told to do by DV charities/support programs since it’s a common technique used in controlling/coercive behaviour.

Make sure you have support from your local DV charity (they may also have children’s support workers).

@Exhaustedbyitall hve you used our family wizard? I’ve read horrendous reviews about it.,,
when I try to correct what he says it feels like I’m just dragging kids into what shouldn’t concern them further… so playing his game so to speak 😕

I just feel like I’m at my wits end. The kids are disrespectful towards my friends who are my only support network. They don’t even know that my partner of almost a year exists as I don’t dare to breach the subject with them… in the past I was told by my older one that he’d hire a sniper and kill anyone like that 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m not allowed to live my life even though I’m divorced.

You have my sympathy, OP. I have kids the same age. Different genders. History of DA. The man is still making my life a misery years down the line. Both kids are struggling at the moment and it’s all either caused by or massively exacerbated by his behaviour.

Our exes are happy to use the kids as pawns to further abuse us, with no thought to the consequences for the kids. It is awful. I just keep on reminding myself that it will pass. And they will remember which parent showed consistent and unconditional love. Sending big hugs. 💐

Yes, I use it and it does allow you to control (and think) about what you say (and save drafts/look back on previous things that have been said that now said to conflict). Also can be used in court. A dedicated email address (set up for same purpose) would probably be similar and not cost the OFW cost. Remove notifications of new messages. And reserve calling/texting for urgent (emergency, running late) etc.

I was told (by professionals) to always correct my children if they heard one thing from their dad which was incorrect/then he told me something completely different. A form of gaslighting. He is choosing to place them in the middle and use them, and you have the right to make sure they know the truth. If he didn’t place them in the middle then you wouldn’t need to correct him (it’s his choice to act badly/and not coparent).

I would ask the kids why they are disrespectful to your friends and be clear to them that it is not acceptable. They are probably seeking consistent unconditional love from you (as the PP said) which is so hard to do when an ex is messing you around and your energy supplies are depleted - sending strength to you and hope some of the above is helpful to take back control.

Thank you everyone. It’s just so exhausting.

OFW is good