How to confront DP about cheating?

[FlorenceB19]

Partner of 4 yrs started to act shady with his phone back in Sept! So I started to monitor his phone while he slept!!
I managed to photo snap shots of conversations from the 'Thai massage lady'... stating she found a good Thai lady for him'

They exchanged photos as she’s looking for a good man! he talked about hoping he would be good to her' & asking questions about her age? Etc.
She's 40 & he's 58, he replied Stating she is beautiful & she wanted to arrange to meet him in a club but they were going to arrange a phone call on next massage appointment as she doesn't speak good English! (He hasn't once mentioned he's been getting a massage!)

Since then... all conversations have been deleted from his phone! (Purely to hide his intentions!)
so no further proof than the above. Im hoping to confront him this week! But unsure how to go about it?

Any suggestions??

For what purpose? You can end a relationship for any reason and you have proof he's a sleaze. I'd get an STD test and start planning how to leave.

I am planning on going our separate ways, although housing will be difficult to navigate!

I was just wondering how others confront their partners?

Obviously we need to have that conversation but unsure how to approach it?

I'd state that the relationship is no longer working for me and I wanted to leave. That I'd rented a flat and would be moving in in the next month.

I would go straight for the truth. ‘Why are you trying to hook up with …’ - but if he’s likely to be violent then that would not be a good approach.

If not, I don’t understand what the issue is? Practise what you’re going to say and tell him straight. Unless you haven’t decided what you want to do. For me it would be over and I would want him to move out. So I would tell him straight, and if he refused to move out, I would make his life as uncomfortable as possible. And I’d tell his parents that you’re splitting and exactly why.

Honestly don’t bother. Protect your mh and don’t expose yourself to his gaslighting and manipulation. You don’t need him to tell you the truth, you saw it with your own eyes.

You know he's cheating, why bother talking to him about it?

Tell him you're sick of faking orgasms and you're leaving to find someone who isn't so crap in bed.

I'd pack his bags personally and tell him to go shack up with his Thai lady until the house is sold. I'd absolutely not be falling for any of his bullshit excuses. That conversation is absolutely not just about a massage. Disgusting bastard and I feel for the poor Thai woman who has these disgusting British men they are forced to sleep with for money. It's basically human trafficking if it was being arranged via a third party.

Only correct answer!

I also wouldn't "confront" him. What are you hoping to achieve through that conversation? He might deny it (no benefit to you), he might cry and say he's sorry (no benefit to you), he might try to minimise it and say he was just looking/finding out (no benefit to you).

I would resolve the housing situation and then tell him it's over and x, y, z will happen. Or if you jointly own and need to jointly sell, I'd just tell him you are separating and need to work together to sell the property.

You don't have to explain yourself beyond "this relationship doesn't feel supportive or loving and I don't want to be in it anymore". Getting drawn in to whys and what's just invites fruitless discussion/justification/begging/pleading/anger while he tries to convince you to stay. Why would you want that?

He probably has a second phone now.

Just tell him it’s over, OP. You don’t need a reason beyond “it feels like your attention is elsewhere and that’s not enough for me.” Let him wonder if you found out.

Don't humiliate yourself by getting into an emotional conversation which will be lies, gaslighting and DARVO. It's a waste of energy.

Just tell him you're done, it's over, and you want to focus on the practical steps of splitting up. Don't show any emotion, just be cold and distant.

So I did confront him & he denies visiting a massage parlour for anything other than a massage, claiming it's a legit therapy room.

Regarding meeting up with a Thai Women. He claims it was a conversation taken out of concept & he had no intention in meeting up! He said he sent her a photo of himself to show her how ugly he is! (Admittedly it was a fully dressed unattractive head shot of himself!)

Regarding a message he sent saying you're kind of & beautiful, he justified it by saying, yes she is kind, as he told her about a stroke he had 3 years ago! (It has left him with deficits!)

He doesn't know why he deletes the messages!

I then say as he deletes all messages, I obviously don't believe him & the only way I would, would be to restore all his deleted messages! He went quiet when he realised that was an option!

We then talked about him moving out, when/if we can get him social housing.

He appeared to agree to this... I'm assuming it's so that I don't press for restoring messages & expose his full extent of deceit.

I then reassured him that I would continue to support him with the paperwork etc.

Anyways... tonight he got into bed & did his usual moan/sulk with me as i was playing a game on my phone! He said it would be nice if i could put it down for a change & give him a cuddle!! Wtf!

When I replied, no due to everything that's gone on!, he sulks & storms off to sleep on the sofa!

I'm thinking he doesn't get the fact that I said, yesterday that. That side of our relationship is over but we can remain friends!

I don't want to spell it out with nastiness but how do I get him to understand that he has deceived me & I'm not coming back from it?

Just act as if its over. You can’t make a man understand anything he doesn’t want to understand. So stop trying to. Move his stuff out if the bedroom snd every time he “forgets” its over just say “Its over. Every time you make me repeat the words “its over” I will subtract a day of helping you.

how do I get him to understand that he has deceived me & I'm not coming back from it?

Don't sleep in the same bed.

Yes why are you sleeping in the same bed? Tell him to stay on the sofa till he moves out. Are you in social housing? Whose name is it in? If it's yours just throw him out. Does he have family? Can he not stay with them? He isn't your responsibility

I would be upfront and blunt. Tell him it’s over because of him doing XYZ and it’s none negotiable.

Yes, this. I'm not sure why you're being so nice to him. The man is a cheat and appears to be paying sex workers while wanting to cuddle up to you in bed every night. Where's your rage?