Hi,
I’m married with 2 young DC, one at school and another at nursery 3 days a week (school hours). We have a mortgage on a house (joint) and I work FT, flexi, although just started a new job.
I’ve probably not been happy for a while but I think I’ve finally reached my ‘limit’ so to speak. Due to what DH often says to me, I doubt myself a lot, internalise and think I must be the problem so am I reacting too much or would you feel similar if you were to live like this?
DH is the laziest, disorganised person ever. Inevitably there will be comments about having children with someone like that but, it’s often easier to put up with and less of an issue before you have children, when you have your own time, aren’t exhausted and are a person of leisure essentially!
He leaves anything possible lying around, wrappers, letters, clothes, used cups. The floor, the banister and we have a dressing room for our wardrobes where he decided to get a desk from work for WFH. The desk often gets used for dumping too. He leaves piles of washing up because he knows I’ll snap and clean it at a point. He refuses to iron anything for the household so, because I’ve stopped ironing his clothes now, he would rather wear scruffy looking, creased clothes.
On a night he’d rather sit on the sofa because he’s tired, without ensuring jobs are done first, then will complain if I bring it up, saying what’s the point if he can’t enjoy his evening and he’s not going to be a slave to cleaning. Evenings consist of watching a TV show for all of 5 minutes before he falls asleep, snoring.
I’ve brought up before that he doesn’t see anything e.g. cleaning and that it’s a job you need to keep on top of. He refuses to see what needs cleaning and then minimises anything I point out as just needing a quick, tiny wipe.
He’ll use the mop once in a blue moon, leave it in the garden afterwards, where I can’t see it, still in the dirty water, left out for days so it goes disgusting. I asked him today how do we get the house back up to scratch again, as it’s slipped a bit and pointed out I’m not going to keep cleaning the whole house to myself. He smirked and said, ‘but you’re good at it’.
He might unload the airer infrequently but instead of putting the clothes away, will just pile them on the floor next to the airer.
He’s doing a qualification at work, where he’ll sit and do nothing all day at work, then leave a mountain of assignments to last minute, panic and demand he needs ‘personal’ time to do them. He leaves his overflowing laptop bag in one place, dumps his work ID somewhere else and other work equipment elsewhere.
I’m the brains of everything in the house - meal plans, shopping lists, gifts for the children, appointments, new clothes, uniforms out, even down to changes of the children’s bedding etc as he’d leave it on forever - you name it, yet he says I don’t do anything. I haven’t been as ‘on it’ with cleaning of late because I’m bloody tired and I’m sick of cleaning it to be disrespected by the mess 5 minutes later.
I feel I’m a constant, exhausted frazzled mess that’s missing out on time with my children because I’m not the best version of me in this state and because there’s always jobs I have to do. He constantly complains that I’m a whinge, miserable, etc etc but he can’t seem to see, I’d be the fun loving and great person I used to be, if I had some help. It’s like an uphill battle asking him to do anything of help, as he always wants to refute why it needs doing.
He’s got a stag do abroad coming up that he’s adamant he wants to go on and honestly I feel like saying he’s not going unless he starts taking life seriously but I don’t think he will ever change and I don’t know what to do.