Hmmm, where to start! I have concerns regarding my partner and her relationship with, and attitude towards, alcohol and my boundaries around it. For full disclosure, I am male, my mum was an alcoholic and my siblings and I grew up in a household where mum was emotionally absent for much of the time, due to her 'fondness' for alcohol. I also had a relationship, many years ago, with a woman who was a secret drinker and ended up in hospital with acute pancreatitis and nearly died, but managed to quit alcohol entirely afterwards. As a consequence, I am very watchful, wary and cautious around alcohol, am virtually teatotal myself and tend to avoid being around drinkers or environments where alcohol is regarded as being positive, admirable or aspirational. I am also autistic, quiet, reserved and introverted by nature, and sometimes wonder if I am being 'oversensitive', judgemental or allowing my feelings to be coloured by my antipathy towards alcohol.
After that preamble - my partner is a self confessed 'binge drinker', has told me some horror stories about things she has done whilst drunk, being sick in taxis, running off without paying the fare, urinating in public, wetting the bed, urinating in the ottoman in her spare room, having mistaken it for the toilet, going round the local pubs or at the races, 'snogging', as she puts it, all the good looking men. And her friendships and previous relationships all have the common denominator of being with people who enjoy pubs, bars and drinking culture - the complete antithesis of my likes. Just recently I have become increasingly concerned that my boundaries are being pushed more and more, although, in fairness, I have never seen her drunk (and hope never to!) and I try to be sanguine and phlegmatic about it, trying to accept that we are just different in our attitudes. But several recent events are weighing on my mind - on New Year's Day we spent the day at her mum's and she was 'dry' all day until early evening when she consumed a can of high strength Jamaican lager. An hour later, when we left, she attempted to get in the driver's seat of her car to drive us back to her home. I was horrified and said "no, you've had a drink, let me drive". Her response was " it was only one can, I've done it before and been fine. And the cops do it all the time". I told her that I would not get in the car if she was insisting on driving, a non negotiable for me and that I would walk home. Reluctantly she gave me the keys, but was very 'frosty' with me for the remainder of the evening! It is difficult to explain, but it very much felt that I was being tested to see if I would just meekly get in the passenger seat or if I WOULD actually say something and stand my ground. And then, last Sunday, another incident occurred. I approached her, in a calm and measured manner, about her alcohol consumption and her health, bearing in mind that she has recently been diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic and has high blood pressure and there is history of both within her family - we only buried her elder brother 3 weeks ago (who had kidney disease, diabetes and died from heart failure, and her dad also died of heart failure). Her response was to immediately open a can of lager and consume it in front of me and when I asked why she felt that was neccessary mid morning on a Sunday she replied " because I can" and it felt very much like a two fingered salute to my concerns. Later that day we went to lay flowers on my parents' grave and she consumed another can whilst I was driving, belching in my ear en route. She then proceeded to urinate in a corner of the churchyard because her bladder was full and she couldn't wait to find a public toilet. She then suggested we find a pub and have a drink, before going home, knowing that I am not at ease or comfortable in pubs. All in all, it felt very disrespectful, both to my mum's memory and to my sensitivities and I am still anxious about it a week on.
I am sorry that this is long and I am not seeking validation, just honest opinions as to whether I am being controlling and over sensitive and should be more relaxed about it or if I genuinely have cause for concern - one thing that I am certain of is that all her concerted efforts to get me to become a 'drinker' have, and always will, fail! Thank you.