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Original poster

Can’t stand it when people say this

56 replies

emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 14:00

I’m a single mum and I hate it when people in marriages or partnerships say ‘maybe you should just have some time on your own’ whenever you fancy someone or have a date.

I really wish people would stop saying this. Usually people in my situation have endured a lonely marriage, and now spend every evening alone. It seems so excessively mean for people who are coupled up and have a constant companion to be dishing out this advice. Why shouldn’t you seek out company, sex, love, whatever if you want it?

Bit of a rant.

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 09/02/2025 14:02

Do you have form for lurching from one disasterous relationship to another? That’s the usual context for this advice.

Original poster
emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 14:04

No, I don’t.

OP posts:
DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 09/02/2025 14:07

I’ve only seen it written here in the context of two situations:

When the OP is bringing someone into their kids lives very quickly and not taking their needs into account.

When the OP has articulated a string of bad relationships and is embarking on yet another one.

AgentJohnson · 09/02/2025 14:13

Maybe the ‘advice’ is aimed at themselves. Even when I was still happy in my last relationship, I did look wistfully at single friends.

Lost20211 · 09/02/2025 14:21

The only person I say it to is a friend who keeps dating wildly inappropriate people, or getting in intense relationships that always have an awful end. I think she comes across way too intense and it scares people. They never end up knowing the real her. I hate seeing her in the cycle.

category12 · 09/02/2025 14:28

How long have you been single?

LovelySunnyDayToday · 09/02/2025 14:33

Why are people saying this to you?
I wouldn't say this to someone unless they had kept picking disastrous partners maybe? Then it would only be said in concern. Otherwise it's an odd thing to say. Are these people your friends? Do they care about you?

CountTo10 · 09/02/2025 14:33

Must admit I would only advise this when someone freshly out of a long term relationship is just desperate for someone to fill that partner/husband 'hole'. I was guilty of that. In a 20 year relationship with children and found out he was cheating. 3 weeks later on dating apps really just wanting someone to make me feel good about myself and a week later ended up in in an abusive 12 month long relationship. Thank-fully I did learn from it. Have dabbled a few times with dating over the years but have now been happily single for the last 8 years and really never ever want another relationship. I am happy in my own skin.

However my sister's 25 year marriage imploded suddenly through no fault of her own. 3 weeks later she was with knobhead. I tried to advise her that she really needed to take some time out for herself but she wouldn't listen. Unfortunately vulnerable people make unwise decisions. 2 years later she's about to buy a house and knobhead is all set to move in. I suggested she look into the legal ramifications if they were to split and ensure he has no claim on her house but apparently 'he's promised he would never do that' so that's all ok then?!🤷‍♀️😩

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 14:37

How often are people saying this to you that it's annoyed you this much? I feel like there must be a reason if you're hearing it a lot!

I've only ever said it when someone has form for jumping into new relationships as soon as humanly possible after a breakup with next to no healing time, or someone who is bringing new people into their kid's lives too quickly.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 09/02/2025 14:37

It’s a polite way of saying “there are a lot of scummy predators out there and whether you believe it or not you are very vulnerable right now which makes you an easy target. you also have a child whose safety should be your priority ”

Bakedpotatoes · 09/02/2025 14:42

I constantly have the opposite said to me because I'm quite happy on my own with my children, in fact, I think I'd quite happily live the rest of my days alone.

I can only think of one instance I would ever say this and that is if a friend was in and out of abusive/toxic/inappropriate relationships.

Carsarelife · 09/02/2025 14:46

People say this kind of thing to me all the bloody time. Gets on my nerves too. I've been single for a good 10 years, but the last 3 years wanting to date. I've been on some terrible dates lately and when I tell people they said perhaps I should have some time alone. WTF I've just spent the last 10 years on my own in trying to bloody date FGS

notanormalday · 09/02/2025 15:16

I've said this and many other family members about a cousin. Hopping from relationship to relationship 4 kids later within the space of a couple of years of each other getting the last kid to call the new man on the scene dad and bullying the man into getting engaged. So if your hopping from relationship to relationship then yes you probably need a abit of space for yourself.

Coming from someone who has been happily single for 12 years and happily.

Original poster
emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 15:33

I’m not hopping from relationship to relationship. Someone said it to me yesterday. I’ve had a long, dead marriage, followed by an underwhelming unserious but quite drawn out relationship (think seeing someone nice once a fortnight), and now met someone I like (to again maybe see once a week). But I never include them in the kids’ lives bar the odd ‘this is my friend X’.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 09/02/2025 15:38

emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 15:33

I’m not hopping from relationship to relationship. Someone said it to me yesterday. I’ve had a long, dead marriage, followed by an underwhelming unserious but quite drawn out relationship (think seeing someone nice once a fortnight), and now met someone I like (to again maybe see once a week). But I never include them in the kids’ lives bar the odd ‘this is my friend X’.

Yes so to me that is wanting to go to the next thing too quickly but thats obviously up to you, its clear what your intention would be given the chance

Nothing wrong with that OP but friends would just caution you to think thats all.

I hope it all works ut

Original poster
emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 15:41

Well horses for courses. I’d never say to them they should be single for a bit re their husbands being useless jerks.

OP posts:
Bababear987 · 09/02/2025 15:46

Tbf OP that does sound like quite a lot to me. How long did each relationship last and how long in between each man?

If I was your friend I'd caution you as well

Original poster
emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 15:49

But why @Bababear987? The marriage over a decade with then a long celibate exit phase of 4yrs. The next thing lasted a few years at a very low volume. And now I confided in a friend I had feelings for someone I’ve been getting to know platonically for over six months — and she said this. I’m being careful and cautious!

OP posts:
Original poster
emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 15:51

Some of the divorced mums I’m friends with are burning through OLD and yes I can see you might say this to them. But these things I’m doing are calm and slow. Anyway my point is some people just like saying it, and I was having a little rant.

OP posts:
CharlieAndMoose · 09/02/2025 15:52

emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 15:33

I’m not hopping from relationship to relationship. Someone said it to me yesterday. I’ve had a long, dead marriage, followed by an underwhelming unserious but quite drawn out relationship (think seeing someone nice once a fortnight), and now met someone I like (to again maybe see once a week). But I never include them in the kids’ lives bar the odd ‘this is my friend X’.

What is the timeframe between these partnerships, and how long were you married/in the follow up relationship for? It sounds to me like it's coming from a place of concern.

My best friend separated from her DH after a long marriage, and was in a new relationship with a wildly inappropriate man within a few months. This went on for almost 2 years before it finally registered he was a rebound and she ended it. She was on the dating scene weeks later and isn't happy with the pick out there but persists in regular dates (not chasing relationships per se) with men who are quite frankly beneath her. I've been guilty of saying the same to her - take some time to connect with yourself, get inner validation rather than getting it from men etc - but it comes from a place of care.

Additionally, I end up saying these things because she instigates conversations in which she complains about the divorce/relationship/quality of men in the dating pool etc; I wouldn't just randomly say to her to be alone if there wasn't a conversational context to it. Are you sure you aren't saying things to people that are prompting them to give their advice?

Busywithsomething · 09/02/2025 16:15

I know what you mean but actually the only time where I've seen it said is on Mumsnet. And yes, it seems to be all about conveying to you that you need to prioritise your children (very highly/ more than?) yourself. I think accepting people's views on all this is a bit pointless. You do you. If you feel you want or need companionship, romance, whatever don't let these expressions hold you back. All sane mothers bear in mind the needs of their kids. We don't need to be told this.

KilkennyCats · 09/02/2025 16:21

All sane mothers bear in mind the needs of their kids. We don't need to be told this
Well, this is demonstrably untrue…

Original poster
emilysgoldskirt · 09/02/2025 20:57

Yes. I suppose my post was just trying to say that it feels really rotten to be told this to one’s face by married friends, and that I don’t think people should say it.

OP posts:
BigSharkey · 09/02/2025 21:38

I have been single 8 years and still get people telling me I should just stay single and "concentrate on my kids" 🙄 like I'm not allowed a life outside of being a mother.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2025 22:02

You might not like it but if it’s happened more than once or from more than one person who you know cares for you it’ll be for a good reason.

Why do you think these friends or relatives are saying it? To upset or insult you? To make sure you stay single and unhappy?

Or is because they actually want what’s best for you and your children?

The latter seems more likely.