This is a pattern that is really getting on my tits and happened again this morning. I am sick of it so reaching out for advice on how to break the cycle:
My DH has a job and he frequently wants to talk to me about said job. Presumably so I can be supportive and say supportive things. Perhaps give advice as I have done his job before as well as much higher level jobs in the field.
The problem is that he will describe a situation that is bothering him, say what he has tried and his worries and say he doesn’t know what to do.
Cue me sympathising with his predicament, agreeing on the difficulties of the job, and asking questions. Have you tried this or that? What does your boss say/think? What about this or that? He answers the questions.
I then suggest x, y, z based on the above information he has given me.
Then he rubbishes everything I suggest saying I have no idea about it because…and then he directly contradicts key parts of the information and answers he has just told me about the situation!!
He then says it’s not my business, he doesn’t want my advice because it’s all rubbish anyway and gets angry with me.
I have recently been getting angry back and say well how am I supposed to support you if you’re not telling me the truth? And he says he is telling me the truth but doesn’t tell me “verbatim” what has happened or been said because it would take an age. I say, I asked specific questions, you gave me answers and then you contradict the answer you just gave me. How hard is it to give accurate summaries/answers and then not contradict them? How can I give any good support or advice if I’m being fed bad information and falsehoods?
He insists he isn’t lying, that it’s all true. He then says it’s none of my business to know. To which I said then why even talk to me about your job? What’s the point if he is going to feed me a half fictional story that isn’t even true and complete? He then went on about how I’m saying he’s “not allowed” talk to me about his work and why does he even bother coming home. And it’s like “talking to a rock”
By this time, I’ve become really angry and left the room as I can’t stand him. I shouted back down the stairs that it’s the lying that is bothering me and there is no point talking to me about his work if he’s just going to spin a half fictional story and then expect my responses to be based on what he isn’t telling me.
Do I now refuse to let him talk to me about his work? I am sorely tempted that everytime he raises work or job that I just say: “I don’t know sweetie, as you said it’s none of my business” and leave the room. I just know he will then act the victim and claim I’m doing the silent treatment and abusing him and if I stay firm he will also accuse me of being an uncaring, unsupportive, cold hearted bitch.
Or do I keep doing what’s been going on? New day, fresh start he wants to talk about work, I listen and say what I think based on the information he gives me. He rubbishes it by introducing key information he didn’t tell me or that completely contradicts what he had just told me and…what? Instead of getting frustrated do I just shrug and say “I’m sure you know best” and leave the room?
It feels like he is doing it on purpose…setting this up to make me feel stupid. Or maybe I am still angry and being a bit spiteful.
On a side note, I am in the middle of breast cancer treatment and just been diagnosed with osteoporosis a full 20yrs too early so it’s not like my life is going particularly swimmingly of late.