Can sexual attraction develop later?

[Christl78]

Hi all,

I have a question. I understand that sexual attraction is a complicated thing and several factors play a role. Pheromones, genetics, our subconscious etc.
In general, up until now, whenever I have dated, I didn’t proceed to a second date If I didn’t feel physical attraction to someone on the first date. However, I have rejected men who are good looking, nice, well behaved. I now wonder whether I should give it more time with someone before I give up. Sex for me is very important and I wouldn’t stay in a relationship without strong physical intimacy.
So, in your experience, and for those who are NOT demi sexuals, did it happen that sexual attraction developed later? How much time should one give?

Pump

I'd go on a couple more dates if the guy was fun to be with and there was nothing off-putting.

If it was dull and nothing to talk about, then no.

I think attraction can grow if they make you laugh or think in good ways.

The guy I'm currently dating scared me at first in a good way. He was so confident. I might have knocked him on the head if we didn't go out again ....the sexual attraction has grown since I got to know him more and is brilliant sex.

Sometimes, but it's a risk that it won't. If you don't, then you'll be in a situation whereby you have emotional ties with someone, but are torn because you're just not sexually attracted to them. Very sad for both parties in the case of break-ups like that. There should at least be a spark of interest when you meet someone, and you should feel like you want to kiss them.

Most definitely. That's why so many people marry those they've met at work. You need to get to know people to build intimacy and attraction.

I met my partner in real life, and honestly, I couldn’t tell you what I would’ve thought if our first meeting was an online date.

It took a while for the attraction to grow as I got to know him. ( as a friendly acquaintance). A couple of years in and I’m hugely sexually attracted to him and the sex is fantastic.

I would probably have never selected him from online. OLD is really difficult as it forces you to work out if you fancy someone before you even get to know them.

Yeah, but those people must have ignored the lack of attraction for way too long? I think one date is too soon to know, and the point of feeling too emotionally tied is far too late.

Apps have absolutely ruined dating and the art of human connection these days that has, naturally, spilled over into real life. It’s sad that everything is about sex and instant attraction or bin. Just because you have instant sexual attraction to someone doesn’t mean they’re any good for you, most people I know who felt that about someone he turned out abusive. Much better to get to know someone’s true character. The men who started off as friends are the only men I’ve ever truly been in love with, incidentally!

I’d completely agree with this. I had instant attraction with my ex husband- we were actually a very bad match in the long term. And he was abusive as it turned out!

I think physical attraction is a prerequisite to have a relationship and get to know someone. Question is whether it is only instant (I am not referring to instant psychopathological attraction) or could come later. If the second, how long should one give it?
These friends you fell in love with, when did you feel this physical attraction? When was the point that your relationship turned to something more?

Yep abusers are very sexually alluring. Narcissists, for instance, are never short of women. There’s a reason for that!

A degree of physical attraction is definitely a pre requisite, but you don’t nescessarily have to want to rip their clothes off just by looking. I never fancied any of the men I fell for, I didn’t think any were ugly but I thought they were ‘okay’ to look at. I then got to know them slowly and thought both of them were gorgeous in the end!! Because I knew the whole person.

I took it very slow when I met my now DH at 19. There was an initial spark for sure but we took things slow and started off as friends. Letting it grow really helped us build a very strong foundation and we're very happy in our 30s. Really knowing him at the start and going slow helped build not just the love and respect for eachother but also the psychological safety we both feel in our relationship.
Definitely don't write him off because you don't have that initial animal attraction. Get to really know him and see where it goes. I know loads of people who are really happy together even though they didn't get that 'wow' factor right at the start.

To answer the second part of your question that I missed. I can’t really say when things changed. Probably a few months. There was no intention there though, they were friends and it just happened unexpectedly. I think the problem with dating is either people trying too hard to make it work romantically instead of just enjoying someone’s company for what it is, or they’re not giving people enough of a chance. I’d say, as long as you don’t find a man ugly and there are no major red flags earlier, 3-4 meetings is enough generally to know if you want to proceed. But people don’t have that time these days 🤣

NO, I tried everything because he ticked all the the other boxes and spend 3 years trying to avoid sex because I didn't fancy him, Not fair on him and not fair on me.

Yes absolutely. A guy friend of mine wanted to date, I really wasn’t that into him in that way, but really enjoyed his company and had just got out a terrible relationship and I knew he was a good guy so thought why not. 11 years and 2 children later it’s been the best decision of my life. He’s the love of my life and best husband and father I could ever ask for and yes the sexual attraction absolutely came and is still as strong as ever!

Sorry to bump an old thread, and while I think this is true, I think that instant attractions also exist. I think instant and gradually-built attractions both exist.