Struggling with my confidence in parenting or ability to implement boundaries

[ThatDaringLimePombear]

Hi everyone, longtime lurker first time poster, hoping for some advice. And hopefully this is in the right place.

I work 4 days a week, handle 80% of parenting, plus meals, laundry, and most household tasks. My husband WFH too but does minimal housework (an hour tidying at weekends and occasional washing up).

We have a 2-year-old, and while I generally manage well, there are times when she pushes back cause, you know, she’s a toddler as. For example:
• Taking half an hour to get into the shower because she refused to go with me until I had to lift her (she was upset, but I repaired with her after).
• Struggling to get her dressed, eventually having to push through despite protests.
• Saying, “No, this is mummy’s breakfast,” when she tries to take my food because I also need to meet my own needs.

I believe in gentle parenting with boundaries, but my husband insists every interaction must end with her willing consent or it’s a no-go. If I show frustration, he calls me a “monster” or says, “What do you expect with how you are with her?”which is crushing my confidence.

For example, I get anxious when she’s near hot pans, but my husband insists she stays next to me to avoid upsetting her. If I respond anxiously such as ‘no no no’ or ‘name name name’, he criticises me, saying I should “find another way.”

I’m feeling lost. I believe disappointment and frustration are part of learning, but it feels like I’m not allowed to set boundaries unless she agrees. I find myself increasingly just sitting back to avoid being shamed or “corrected.” How do I regain my confidence and put healthy boundaries in place?

Apologies for the long post.

LTB

Your husband is being a prick. Let him take full control of parenting for 2 weeks. You do what he does. An hour of tidying and occasional washing up. Let him see how he manages it.

You have one hell of a problem.

It's your partner.

I'm very sorry - LTB is so easy to say, so very very hard to do, but with this attitude he is very seriously at risk of ruining both her and you.

Your parenting is normal. His behaviour is a wolf in a white sheep's wool coat. Seriously, his behaviour, when seen from the outside, is destructive and there seems to be a considerable element of malice.

What decent man calls his wife a monster? Worse, what decent man insists his daughter srays near hot pans just because you are there?

Please read Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That. It's free online.

I think your husband needs to be left alone with the kids for a weekend or longer, with all household tasks still to be done, and then see if his perspective on this changes.

As parents, it's not our job to have them be happy all the time. We're there to keep them safe and teach them how to become confident, independent adults. Boundary setting is an important part of this. E.g. My toddler wants to jump on the stairs. I say "no X, that's dangerous, let's hop in the hallway instead" they do it anyway. I say "that's dangerous, mummy is going to help you by keeping you safe" and remove them from that situation. They scream. I distract them if possible, and try help them co-regulate if not. This is keeping them safe, teaching then to listen to me or there are consequences, and helping them move on healthily.

It is impossible to keep a toddler happy and consenting all of the time without being a permissive parent. What you mentioned about working on repair, is key. In fact learning how to repair healthily is one of the most important things we can teach our kids IMO.

I'd also note it's very unhealthy for kids to have parents criticise each other's parenting, especially in front of the children.

This sounds so tough to deal with, and I just wanted to confirm you sound like a caring & capable parent. 💐

Ask yourself what makes him the expert on parenting when you appear to do 80% of it. You cannot parent out of fear of upsetting a child especially when that includes her being next to hot pans. Not every interaction will have her willing. I mean imagine you need to get her out of the door to go to school but she refuses to put her shoes on for 2 hours. It is ridiculous.

The only thing I agree on is saying name, name, name, you are not asking or telling them to do something, it is merely saying their name. My children used to say I am thirsty, and I would say that is a statement, ask for what you want.

He doesn't sound supportive at all. I was a sahm so spent more time with the children and I supported Dh in learning how to handle them when they were toddlers. I researched, I read lots of child psychology books and Mumsnet were a great help. I never criticised him, he was trying his best.

I agree with @User757675
i knew a child who sat on the worktop while mummy was cooking. There was a pan of hot/boiling oil on the hob. The child was severely burnt when they knocked the handle, in hospital for a while and had to wear compression garments for about a year.
Parents need to teach their children so much and that means that children won’t always like the parents decisions and choices. In itself it teaches resilience.

It's your d h you need to set boundaries with. If you turned the tables on him and said, "Why are you criticising me? I've just kept her safe from getting burnt - why are you not ok with that?", what would he say?

You could boost your confidence by reading some parenting books. Maybe Philippa Perry

It's not you, it's your husband. I would consider your future with him going forward as he is not going to change; this is who he really is.

Your H's actions are harming your daughter emotionally and she is going to become a real handful when she goes to school. She will be told no there and how is she going to react then?. Indeed as user writes it is impossible to keep a toddler happy and consenting all of the time without being a permissive parent.

This all sounds really tough
you are not a bad parent !
I wonder if your husband has confused gentle parenting with permissive parenting
the latter is not good for anyone!

Children need to learn boundaries and respect as well as of course being listened to and having their choices respected (as is developmentally appropriate )
As an example, if being clean is the non negotiable- what is negotiable? Is your child able to choose between a bath or a shower? That could be her choice
She might choose to brush her teeth before her shower or bath, that could be her choice
But whether or not she showers / baths is not up for negotiation.

You’re right , there is no need to get angry about this things, it’s just a toddler learning the rules of life. Same as toddlers and hot pans are not a good combination. If Dad is so concerned about her emotional distress whilst you’re cooking then what would he like to do, take the child or take over the cooking. Because it isn’t fair for you to try and do both with a highly critical audience!

Giving your DH the benefit of the doubt, he may be trying to do ‘the right thing’ for your child. Just without the clarity of what that is.
he might like to read Sarah Ockwell Smith ‘The Gentle Parenting Book’

But definitely stick to your instincts, you’re not ‘doing it wrong’! 💐

It’s interesting that your DH’s principles don’t seem to extend to adult relationships. Emotional abuse comes in many forms.

You're husband is not doing your child any favours. Children need to have boundries and understand no. It helps them feel secure and grow up into considerate adults. I don't know what you can do though, he doesn't sound open to reason snd if you leave he could potentially be doing half the parenting.

I have no idea how you get in top of this issue op - maybe a parenting course for both of you - but I can guarantee that it will get worse as your child matures.

My DH placed himself in the middle as referee, or sided with my dds, when I was trying to set boundaries during their adolescence, when I desperately needed him to parent with me as a team, and it nearly destroyed our marriage. We only got through it because we had been on the same page up to that point, and are on the same page again now.

It's one thing when your DD is young enough not to answer back, but trust me, it's quite different when they start getting an opinion of their own and your DH backs them every time over you. Not that it should be a daily competition, but as parents you need to discuss compromises in advance, and what are hard boundaries for each of you, and then back one another up. Otherwise a child becomes very frustrated and starts playing one parent off against the other.

Can you have a discussion with your DH on neutral territory about this? Get a baby-sitter and take him out so he has your full attention. Tell him using "I" statements, how his behaviour is impacting negatively on you. I feel disrespected. I feel alone parenting our child. I feel you are undermining my parenting. I feel that you are making it harder for me to enforce boundaries related to safety and behaviour.

Start from a basis of mutual respect. He may be wrong, but he is allowed to have a different opinion to you about this so you have to tread carefully. He may genuinely feel that your parenting is too harsh in comparison to what he experienced as a child for example.

Address the unfair work balance too; it's far easier to be fun, indulgent Daddy when you only do a small portion of parenting. The gloss may come off him a bit if he has to do more of the mundane tasks routinely and consistently. He should be doing far more. Write out all of the tasks you do and allocate them more fairly.

And then discuss parenting classes so that you can learn to compromise and parent as a team together. You won't be the first set of parents who realise that the parenting strategies they bring to the table from their own families are completely at odds with one another!

Good luck 🌷

I've just re-read your sentence about your DH not wanting to "upset" your child. This is obviously a nonsense strategy, but how to get him to see it?

First I think you should talk about constant negotiation at this age which can be far from helpful.

Second, he is not your dd's friend, he is her father. And his number one priority is to keep her safe. It's madness to have her near hot pans!

Thirdly ask him how he intends to parent your dd without saying no, which sadly, so much of parenting is about.

I can't stand the man but I saw the comedian Jimmy Carr discussing this on sm recently. He said if you want to be kind to your child in the short term, you can avoid saying "no" to extra sweets and constant tablet time instead of homework, and staying up late. But in the long-term you will end up with a fat, uneducated, sleep-deprived kid.

I think you need to have a serious talk about how to co-parent together and you need to have boundaries with him.

If you're cooking, he has to entertain your child. Physical safety comes first, etc. He stops denigrating you and stops undermining your parenting.

He sounds like an absolute nob tbh. Full of criticism for you, without being constructive or doing his share.

I wouldn't rush to have any more children with him.

I think you should take some nice long days out on Saturdays - on your own.

Go out about 9am, have a long shopping trip and maybe combine it with some sightseeing, have a meal somewhere and take yourself off to the theatre or cinema for the evening, returning home late evening. 'Forget' to make sure there's enough food in so he has to take her to the supermarket, and perhaps you could also neglect to do some other housework and leave him that as a Saturday task. Do that several weeks running and he will begin to get the message.

Oh yes, and wind her up into a frenzy of excitement before you go, and ensure she has All The Toys out all over the floor.

Thank you so much for all your suggestions and kind words!

it has definitely given me a confidence boost that I am not mad for imparting those boundaries. I think from my DH side, it all comes from a good place but he doesn’t quite ‘get it’ I’ve tried explaining but it just doesn’t quite sink in. My MIL, as wonderful as she is, is very poor at having her own boundaries or causing upset so I expect that is where much of his expectations come from.

I am going to try and sit down with him and go from the ‘I feel x y z’ approach and talk him through why I approach things how I do and what my long term goal with it is. He does refer to her as his ‘best friend’ so I might explore that with him and chat about how we can navigate things better together. We don’t have to do things exactly the same but if we have our boundaries for each other hopefully that will help. Hopefully he will respond positively.

Your insights have been so so valuable and reassuring thank you! 🥰

Good luck op! I hope your dh is receptive and that you can have a constructive conversation with him. Be strong and be assertive. It’s important that your dh establishes good parenting strategies while your dd is still young 💐.

I work 4 days a week, handle 80% of parenting, plus meals, laundry, and most household tasks. My husband WFH too but does minimal housework (an hour tidying at weekends and occasional washing up)

This is not ok at all. He’s treating you like a skivvy.
He insists you cook and also supervise your daughter then criticises you and calls you a monster.

I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere with your chat. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

So he calls the centre of his daughter's universe (you) a monster?
The person who she has to rely on for survival and safety?
Yeah, he knows what's he's doing, he's abusive.
Not sure a little chat will do it.