Polyamory

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It's something I'm considering exploring. Is anyone in a poly relationship here and can answer some questions for me?

From my understanding polyamory rarely works out long term. I’m sure there are polyamory subs on Reddit. You might be better asking advice there. I think there has to be very strong, clear guidelines and even then it’s difficult to navigate.

I am monogamous myself but have friends who are in polyamory relationships. In my experiene it is another way of living your life and I think it’s way more difficult than being in a monogamous relationship as you have to juggle multiple people.
Saying that, the two couples I know are very loved up and have found a way to maintain this lifestyle.
And develop deep relationships with other people.

If you ask me, I think it requires a lot of energy and give big parts of yourself. I do not have the time and personally I have the tendency to commit to one person and develop deep feelings.
I don’t know what happens in a long term relationship, especially when there are kids, though. In my experience passion fades and in some marriages quite dramatically. Is it worth it throwing away a life because of sex, If a couple still gets on on all other areas and there are kids? Maybe polyamory is a solution and perhaps sexual desire fading away is simply biology and us humans try to maintain it is futile.

I do not have the answer. I only know that in my 20 year marriage sex faded completely and he cheated. We got a divorce. I also know that I don’t feel like having multiple partners. However, I do not judge people who can. And I am not sure what I would do in a long term relationship now.

You could give it a go, it could partially solve your relationship issues because you have your needs met elsewhere but bear in mind it is super difficult to maintain. And, If you have kids, you have to ask yourself If such arrangement is better than actually splitting and setting an example of what a loving relationship should really look like.

Going back to the two couples I know, they do seem loved up, however….I must say that the party that initiated the open/polyamory discussion and usually has more extramarital partners, is the one who has less money and is financially dependent. Which does raise the question of having my cake and eat it. And of course the question on why the other party stays. Don’t know. Relationships are complicated and things are not always black and white.

Hey ..
Everyone has a different story to tell ..
My friend and partner entered into this about 15 years ago , their relationship wasn’t going great sexually and they thought this the way forward to spice things up ! Big Mistake !
They split within a year & she was devastated ..
OP , you haven’t said much in your post , why do you want to explore now ? I guess I’m just advising, do for the right reasons, & you need a certain personality for this ..
I don’t have that personality, I do love sex & being adventurous, but I get attached 🤷🏻‍♀️
Everyone is different though , can be great fun I’m sure for the people it suits x

Thank you for the comments. I'm a single 43y mum of 2. I've been online dating for over a year and it's been awful! I recently met a lovely guy who is poly. He's asked me to be his girlfriend. He lives with a women already. It would be completely separate. I'm considering it more of a permanent FWB type arrangement. I wouldn't introduce him to my kids. Seems a better option than all the time wasters I've been meeting!!

That sounds like a good solution if you're happy with it. I'd just be asking for some sort of proof he is poly, as it tends to be used as an excuse by guys wanting to have an affair and keep both women 'happy'! (Not saying it's the case here, just be careful)

Not a particularly scientific sample, but the poly people who come on Couples Therapy shows a recurring theme, that it seems to work very well for the man (who always seems to have narc/grandiose tendencies) and the women have to timetable their 'share' of him meticulously, and one of them always feels like the bit on the side. The man then does nothing but complain that he's so exhausted from keeping everyone happy and he's so underappreciated by them, and his solution is to add another woman into the mix.

I've been poly for years, although not always "practising" as it were - and have dated both poly and mono people.

It's not a "one size fits all" - even more than a mono relationship, you need to have excellent communication and trust, and to negotiate the relationship form and rules which works for you and your partner(s).

Not sure what you're wanting to ask, but happy to give a perspective.

One thing I would recommend is to speak with/get to know your partner's other partners - you don't need to be best buddies (though you may develop a friendship with them separately), but I do think it's helpful to know them at least a bit.

In your case, as the guy lives with someone else, I'd want to be 100% sure that she's also aware that he's poly, and is fine with it - "poly" is sadly often code for "I want more than one lover but don't want my existing partner to know" - I'd want to be sure he wasn't one of those.

OP , trust me when I say there is no such thing as a permanent FWB..
It’s casual all the way .. I tried this before , I got attached , he didn’t , simple as , & I got dumped , if you can call it being dumped when it’s FWB , & it felt like shit , that’s how I know poly would never ever suit me ….
Your post is coming across to me , as you’ll be his gf & what you’ll only see him is it ? Correct me if I’m wrong, & he sees who he likes or Wil you be seeing others too , which really is what poly is , both parties having relations with others ..
I don’t know , I think this guy has turned your head, & you’re pissed with the on line dating being a pain ..
You Should give this loads of thought before entering into it x

I was going to reference the people who appeared on Couples Therapy as well (BBC iplayer OP, think it's the latest series. Real people and real therapy). Would agree with argyllherewecome's analysis of the typical dynamic.

Completely separate huh? My first thought is, does the 'woman he lives with' know he's poly?

I would worry that he’s using poly as an excuse to cheat.

I can’t get my head round polyamory tbh, I can’t see how there wouldn’t be a weird power dynamic and would be very wary starting up a relationship in this way.

If things moved on from a FWB situation what would be the options? Would you tell your dc?

I’ve seen it work with younger people who don’t want to commit, but I’ve yet to see it work successfully with grown adults.

God I couldn't be bothered...

Hmmm, are you someone who can separate sex and feelings? If you are someone who tends to connect deeply and develop feelings, then don’t do it.

Completely separate eh? So separate she wouldn't know about it?

He asked her to meet his girlfriend.

Did he? I've re read it twice and can't see it? It has been a long day tbf

OP. This isn't a great place to discuss the possibility of entering the poly lifestyle.

Some of the women here get very very upset at the very suggestion of it and the "discussion" can turn nasty. Someone who cannot get past their own stuff enough to wrap their mind around it is unlikely to contribute in a compassionate or constructive way. For example, the people who turn up on Couples Therapy are not representative of most poly relationships.

You may find it more helpful to chat to other poly folk. There's plenty of information online.

There's no need to seperate sex and feelings if you don't want to.

Yep.
I would ask for an open conversation with his girlfriend present before entering into anything like this.
If he's shifty/ evasive on this then you'll know the truth.
I've been burned in the past with lies and nonsense about 'polyamory' when it was actually just a married guy wanting an affair.

If this man is genuine, you will meet his current partner and he will probably know others who are poly too. It's worth talking to others who already are poly and ask them about all the logistics etc.

I had an open relationship, him not me, I agreed. He became terribly jealous of me even though I wasn't doing anything it was the thought that I might because he'd agreed I could if I chose to. So it brings up all kinds of emotions you probably never coped with before too. Even people used to living in these situations feel jealousy, anger, and being left out or the one with the crumbs. These are not healthy situations, you need a rhino hide to cope.

You need to be sure you won't be left with the crumbs too, if he is genuine he should be honest and ensure you feel loved and cared for, otherwise you are just a side bit he shags occasionally that his partner knows about, these relationships exist too and they are rarely anything but horrible.

If you are looking for something more long term and stable, don't do it because it can crash your self esteem, occupy too much headspace, and waste your time. A man looking for a stable long term relationship may not be very accepting of you being one of a menage either.