He's cheating again isn't he.

[Mumofsix38]

Ok so I committed i giant mumsnet sin and looked through my husbands phone. Bit of back story and the old classic iv caught him out with messages to and being inappropriate with other women a couple of years ago, tried to work through it with multiple bumbs in the roads all on his lane. I did think as he was getting older, settled job good salary he would be happy and content with me and our amazing children. I was looking for pictures of our sons 4th birthday as I'd been so busy I think I took 3 in total all day. I came across a picture of a very large bottle of rum and 2 glasses on his camera roll. This was never sent to me. It was from a hotel room, as he works away quite alot that's not unusual, but 2 glasses?. I had this sickly pit of doom feeling in my stomach clicked on the pic and saw saved from whatsapp. I went through loads of his messages and the pic wasn't on any of them. So whoever it was sent to it's all been deleted. I went onto his deleted text messages and found a tiny conversation to a louise he apparently works with. Basically saying why are you messaging me off whatsapp. Iv woke him up and confronted him and he swears nothing is going on and he deleted it all so I wouldn't worry because "he knows how I can get". He's lying isn't he? Sorry for the grammar etc I'm just really upset and hurt I don't know what to believe. I'm either that horrible and controlling that he has to hide this (but nothing from multiple other female acquaintances) or he's being a scumbag again and I'm an idiot.

Sounds like it. Sorry. It could have been an invitation message, 'nightcap in my room?' sort of thing. Whether she accepted or not, you can't tell.

Often is those little alarm bells which give them away. A picture on their phone, a receipt or a time where you're unable to contact them. It gives you that sinking feeling. Sorry you're going through this.

My partner has a history of cheating, in one way or another. We don't live together, which I suppose makes it easier! On one occasion whilst at her house, I went to put the recycling outside and found about four beer cans in the recycling, plus two empty bottles of red wine. She drinks neither. She likes white wine and gin. It gave me that similar sinking feeling as I felt that she'd had someone round. I presume a man, with the beer cans etc. It's not easy, but like ypu I thought it would dissipate over time. But she's now nearly 63.

The deleting of messages isn’t good. It’s always going to be hard to know. You hadn’t quite got enough conclusive evidence. In a way this is worse because you won’t fully know.

With him being away a lot you will always think he has the opportunity, which he does. If you don’t trust him what do you have? You will have this constant sick feeling.

It will always be in the background. Would counselling help? It would require a level of honesty from him though.

Deleting it says everything. I'm so sorry you and your children do not deserve this.

Yep.

Question is, what do you want to happen now? And be realistic because "For this not to have happened" isnt an option (ask me how I know....)

Does the other glass have to belong to a woman?
Male work mate?

I'd be suspicious about what he shares on whatsapp.

That common excuse for deleting messages is bullshit. Saving the person from themselves and their paranoia that would lead them to misinterpret the most innocent of messages. How insulting is that!! When actually leaving them so they could be seen would obviously show their innocence.

He probably has cheated again, but now you know you’ve never regained your trust and never will. Do you want to live with the constant underlying anxiety?

Whether he is telling the truth or not you don't trust him. You have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to live forever?

Iv hardly slept. He's still fast asleep without a care in the world. I do feel so much worse without any actual proof, sounds really stupid because obviously I don't want him to of cheated but the not knowing details iss making me fill in the blanks with the worst case scenario. I know deep down I should pack his bags and throw him out but the reality of that is absolutely terrifying. I have literally no friends the only family I have is under this roof.

Classic you caught him out the first time and he just got better and covering his tracks (I e asking women not to use WhatsApp etc).

Just ask Louise - get her number and send her a nice honest message begging for the truth. Personally I wouldn't need to this as it would already be over but you seem to want 'proof' even though you've been presented with it in the last and stayed.

Did you just check WhatsApp or did you look at his email etc? I think you’ve got just cause to dig a bit further - see if he has other messaging apps, or hidden folders etc. Check now while he’s still asleep and before he has more time to delete.

I’d start formulating a plan for how you could leave - just having a plan will give you strength and options even if they feel scary. Speak of a solicitor, work out what your finances might look like - do you work? Do you own your home? What assets do you have? You don’t have to do anything, but you’ll know leaving is a real option and that takes some of his power away.

Also on WhatsApp makes sure you check any archived messages and you can now create a locked pin folder to hide chats in so unfortunately it's so easy to cover tracks these days.

Iv checked quite alot. But after iv caught him before he's very careful now obviously. His job books the hotels, messages only on whatsapp so its easily deleted anx gone forever. I do work minimum wage job. One of my middle children has quite a few additional needs so most of her care is down to me along with the other little ones.we only from the council and it's all in my name as he wasn't in a good financial state a few years ago the new good job is only a couple of years in and I just never got around to changing it all. He was awful with money so he just gives me a set amount each week and I do all of the bills food shops etc. Financially it would be back on universal credit and he would pay child maintenance. So I know I'd survive. Not ideal but definitely won't be destitute when my son starts full time school i can up my hours and be ok

I completely understand that this doesn't feel 'enough' especially when you have young children but this is part of a larger picture of a man who enjoys the ego kibbles and validation he receives from other woman.

He is clearly lying about why he deleted this thread. He is an unsafe partner as he has learnt nothing from his previous behaviours.

If you don't feel you have enough evidence then by all means dig a little deeper but whatever you do don't rug-sweep this. And there is no requirement to kick him out you can take your time, get your ducks in a row and be 100% sure.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

So sorry OP.
This is hard.
Don't make it harder on you.
Play the long game.
Thank god the house is in your name.
Focus on saving, looking at upskilling and working more when the children are at school.
Start planning for a future that will not involve him.
You can do this.

OP. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks.

From my experience (and just my experience), they don't stop the flirting or 'banter' or basically the interactions with females that make you feel uncomfortable, they just take it further underground and became better at hiding it

If you can (and I know it's not easy)..go.

Life is better on the otherside without having to be the marriage police.

Well he went to work. I asked to see his rotas as it shows if they are in the same area together or are away at the same place. He showed me one day. Then just started shouting. Brilliant way to shut me down as i don't want the kids to hear any of this. I may not have any solid proof but his reactions have just been either dismissive or really angry. Think that says quite alot

You can potentially recover deleted WhatsApp messages by deleting and reinstalling WhatsApp and selecting the option to restore chats.

With locked chats, if they are hidden by a password or symbol/emoji, the only way to see if there are any locked chats is to go into his settings and “clear locked chats”. You won’t see the messages, but a blank thread with a phone number/contact will appear in the chat lists.

It may be worth knowing that any photos shared on a locked chat will NOT be saved to the phone’s photo gallery.

Sometimes if the locked chats are protected by the phone pin/face ID you can see the heading for locked chats if you swipe down when you open WhatsApp. You will also see archived messages here which are worth checking, if you want to go down that road.

Yep, he's trying to shut you down before you spot too much.

It's DARVO, deny, attack, reverse, victim and offender.

How utterly pathetic is he?! You deserve so much better than this AND just to pick up on an earlier poster you did not bring this on yourself for giving him a chance to do and be better. He is the loser here.

100% by his reaction he has done something he shouldn't have.

Don't have him dismiss you and get angry when he's in the wrong. Tell him how it is that he is a cheating scumbag and you deserve better.