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Original poster

Wording a Message to ex

19 replies

SourTwister · 09/02/2025 00:54

I want to reach out to my ex but don’t know how, can anyone help or suggest a message to send? For context he contacted me in the summer and asked to see the kids again but I felt too much time had passed (2 years) and due to past inconsistency I felt he had been absent too long to just come back when he felt like it, but I have since changed my mind and would like to restart contact. How can I get back in contact now though without it looking strange? Was thinking he would message at Xmas as he usually does but he didn’t so I am not sure how to word a message to him about restarting contact again, has anyone been in this situation and got back into contact with an absent father and how did you initiated it?

OP posts:
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 09/02/2025 00:56

Do your DCs want to see him? Is he a decent dad when he's with them? Has he paid any child support during his absence? Are you considering getting back with him or is this purely in the interests of him seeing his kids?

Original poster
SourTwister · 09/02/2025 01:35

No I'm not considering getting back with him? Not sure where I've given that impression. This is purely about contact with the children.

OP posts:
Eminybob · 09/02/2025 01:56

Honestly, if he couldn't even be bothered to try and contact them at Christmas why would you want to bother with him?
He doesn't sound very reliable, do you really want to risk him reappearing and then disappearing again from your DC lives?

Original poster
SourTwister · 09/02/2025 02:02

Sorry not asking if I should just how to word the message / how to initiated contact

OP posts:
Bobbie12345 · 09/02/2025 02:05

Hi. If you are still interested in restarting contact with the kids then let’s talk.

Pamspeople · 09/02/2025 02:06

No good way to word the message OP, because it's a really bad idea to encourage him to see your children.

Shushquite · 09/02/2025 02:07

Ask chatgpt. I think it is good thing, you trying to contact ex for your children sake. It hurts but then you can at least tell your children you tried.

onceuponatimelived · 09/02/2025 04:17

I think it’s really always important (as long as no safety concerns or risks, of course) to encourage contact with the children’s father to ensure they have the best possible chance and start in life, more people caring for them and being there for them is bound to be great for their development in life and I would always encourage to put your own feelings aside to ensure the kids have a healthy relationship with their dad if possible.

But as I said if he is unfit, unsafe or poses ANY risk to those children then absolutely cut it off and don’t ever look back. I mean just the fact that he’s not had any contact with his children for TWO years is ringing alarm bells in my mind but I do not know the whole situation so I can only advise based off of the information you have given.

category12 · 09/02/2025 06:48

How can I get back in contact now though without it looking strange?

Bit of overthinking it there, I think that's probably why pp thought you were interested in him yourself. What about reconsidering child access looks strange and who cares if it does? Maybe leave it until after valentines if he's likely to think something like that.

You just contact him and say something like "hi ex, I've rethought your request for contact with the children, and would like to discuss arranging it"

Chuchoter · 09/02/2025 07:43

Maybe he didn't contact over Christmas because in the summer you told him to keep away?

Dear John, are you still interested in seeing the children regularly? If so, we will need to discuss this civilly in the best interests of the children.

LilacRaven · 09/02/2025 07:48

Surely it's on him to contact you to ask to see his children. By you imitating it you risk him being back in their lives and then letting them down and disappearing again.

marcopront · 09/02/2025 07:57

If you told him before you didn't think contact was a good idea because too much time had passed but now you think it is a good idea, it will look strange because it is.

What has made you change your mind?

category12 · 09/02/2025 08:48

LilacRaven · 09/02/2025 07:48

Surely it's on him to contact you to ask to see his children. By you imitating it you risk him being back in their lives and then letting them down and disappearing again.

Well, to be honest, if he cared much he'd have tried harder or even taken her to court when she said no to re-establishing contact.

Orangesinthebag · 09/02/2025 09:07

Only you know what kind of dad he was when he was around & whether he will be a positive addition to your children's lives.
Don't let guilt at telling him to stay away sway your decision, you obviously said that for a reason.

This is a big decision and you need to be certain that it is 100% in the interest of your children. If you have any doubt that he will mess them around or damage the secure set up you have created on your own then don't do it. I know this isn't what you asked but I think it is really what you were asking because the message to send is pretty simple as others have said.

Just- "Hi ex, if you are still interested in seeing the kids let's meet up to discuss how it could work." Or similar.

Then, if he wants to, think very carefully about the boundaries you want to set before you discuss it with him.

Original poster
SourTwister · 09/02/2025 13:08

LilacRaven · 09/02/2025 07:48

Surely it's on him to contact you to ask to see his children. By you imitating it you risk him being back in their lives and then letting them down and disappearing again.

Yes he did contact in the summer like I said

OP posts:
Original poster
SourTwister · 09/02/2025 13:09

category12 · 09/02/2025 06:48

How can I get back in contact now though without it looking strange?

Bit of overthinking it there, I think that's probably why pp thought you were interested in him yourself. What about reconsidering child access looks strange and who cares if it does? Maybe leave it until after valentines if he's likely to think something like that.

You just contact him and say something like "hi ex, I've rethought your request for contact with the children, and would like to discuss arranging it"

I don't usually initiate contact with him ever so I think he will find it strange to hear from me is what I meant, I never ever initiate contact with him so it will seem a bit out of the blue, we've been split nearly a decade.

OP posts:
Original poster
SourTwister · 09/02/2025 13:11

marcopront · 09/02/2025 07:57

If you told him before you didn't think contact was a good idea because too much time had passed but now you think it is a good idea, it will look strange because it is.

What has made you change your mind?

That's what I meant about it looking strange as I don't usually message him at all. I also think he may have blocked my number but I am not sure so may need to send a message from the kids phone.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/02/2025 13:18

Does it matter if it looks strange though?

You've changed your mind and now want to let him have contact. Presumably you think it's in the kids best interests.

You could always start off with an apology if you think you were wrong to deny him contact.

Original poster
SourTwister · 09/02/2025 13:20

category12 · 09/02/2025 13:18

Does it matter if it looks strange though?

You've changed your mind and now want to let him have contact. Presumably you think it's in the kids best interests.

You could always start off with an apology if you think you were wrong to deny him contact.

I won't be apologising 🤣he needs to apologise for being absent for so long. I said no back then for the amount of time he hasn't bothered with them and then not wanting to see him but I have changed my mind doesn't mean he deserves an apology he needs to apologise to his kids for abandoning them

OP posts:
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