Ok so I know this is unhealthy behaviour from my DH but would you consider these things as abuse if within a new 2?year marriage? Been together 4 years and yes, I saw red flags and tried to address him about them but he was very good at making excuses or fake apologies and promises of change. Future faking was always present.
If it abuse which type would you say? DH is very socially quiet and awkward but can turn in the charm if needed. He is a very powerful CEO professionally. Love bombing happened at the start.
There is
Lots of gaslighting,
dismissal of my feeling and needs,
denial and ‘forgetting’ what they promised,
defensiveness - “I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Huge stubbornness,
refusal to go to couples counselling or study self improvement on conduct within a marriage.
solo control over house deeds and bills,
ignores and disbelieves my boundaries,
disregards my feelings or opinions - unless it’s something simple like what to eat for dinner,
refusal to acknowledge my needs when I state them.
blaming me and twisting facts - deflects.
physical harm to me when held to account or confronted and he gets mad at it and drunk.
sides with anybody who upsets me and blames me,
breaks promises constantly,
drinking heavily daily/ frequently,
Talks to ex’s as friends behind your back- nothing concerning and it’s ok but he hides it when he was asked to be transparent. He’d not physically cheat I know that much.
Entitled and will not go without anything, but is fine with me going without.
spends every weekend on own hobbies and needs.
At the point I withdraw and seriously will leave the marriage, he promises changes and does them for a short time before it starts over again.
can never apologise with any sincerity or meaning, has to be told to apologise.
jumps to the manipulative and intrusive ex wife’s needs and protects her feelings, although he claims he dislikes her very much.
won’t blend our families, it’s him and his dc not us and dc as a family.
He blames me for him not seeing his kids, even though he moved 2 hours away from them before meeting me. Plus his ex wife has decreases the nights he gets with kids to 2 days a month for one and 2 nights a year for the older ones. Never has a Christmas or Easter with kids. Ex wife guilt trips and manipulates the kids into staying with her. I have tried to ask for Christmas with kids so they can make memories with their dad, he refuses to ask ex wife, since when he once did, she invited his whole family to hers for Christmas a year in advance to ‘punish’ him. Why they went to hers I don’t know- apparently according to his brothers and wives they never really liked her… She has been personally nasty to me too. She is certainly controlling and manipulative, I’ve seen it and experienced it first hand. But my husband is just as bad towards me.
I don’t want to sound like a ‘poor me’ victim! But I seriously think this is all just not normal at all. I am very trusting and weak in that sense, with low confidence so need some guidance.
I can’t work out if he is the way he is because of his first marriage or if it’s just him to the core. His dad married 6 times and his mum was never in the picture much growing up. He stopped talking to her 18 years ago because he said she was not maternal and ran off with another man when he was 4. This has got to have affected him in some way. I wonder if it accounts for his adult behaviours.
I’ve given so much to him and his kids eg - mum neglects them in some ways and I’ve been the only one sorting out their headlice for years- can’t do much to cure it with only seeing the dc one night a fortnight. Mum won’t do anything, she dents he has them even with video evidence in the end. She blamed me and said I’d given them to him. A fully established infestation on the day he arrives, fortnight after fortnight for 2 years? DH tells her but not with any force. He’s scared of her manipulating the kids against him. He refuses to go to court.
DH defends her and protects her. I don’t understand any of it. If she wants to pass across a message or just wants a chat she will ring and ring and ring 10-20 times in a row. If you are busy, she starts sending ‘ call me now’ messages. Typically she does this on special occasions like our wedding anniversary. It is never urgent and never important enough to warrant that behaviour. Once it was about her losing her driving licence! She is remarried!!
Honestly sat here thinking what the heck is happening? I feel like both of them are driving me away because I can’t take it anymore. There are many other examples of her and his behaviour obviously.
Ive been seeing a private counsellor for a year to try to cope with it all.
I find myself not coping with it and I end up reacting and yelling at him because I am frustrated and genuinely feel abused. I also feel so ashamed of it all and stupid. He then gets out his phone and records me saying he will use it as evidence during a divorce or to show my family.
He thinks I’m ‘unhinged’ and ‘not a normal woman’ because any normal woman would not have any issues with any of it, he tells me. I am trauma bonded and need the strength to leave. He said he won’t give me anything from the divorce, because he never put my name on anything. If I leave without much, so be it. Peace is worth more.
Think it's time for a divorce now.