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Original poster

If it's not sexual, he's not interested

17 replies

Chocabrick · 08/02/2025 21:45

Have had such a good couple of weeks in terms of mental health and my relationship with my DH has been great. I've felt so calm and relaxed and we've had more sex than usual and i've felt us get closer again.

A couple of days ago i started feeling a bit low and shared this with my DH. I've tried to speak to him but he seems uninterested and disengaged. Last 2 nights I've just wanted to cuddle but he seems irritated that it doesn't lead to sex. Last night he didn't come upstairs until early hours of the morning and it's making me feel really unwanted.

It's all making me feel that he doesn't want to be affectionate unless we have sex and it makes me feel so low. Any advice?

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 08/02/2025 22:07

Your husband is an arsehole. I’m sorry. This is abusive behaviour. He’s punishing you for not giving him sex on tap. Just because you’re married that doesn’t give him rights to your body. Marriage is a partnership where you love and respect each other and support each other through life’s ups and downs. That’s not happening here. This will destroy what little self esteem you have. You can do better than this. I would quietly make plans to leave.

TipsyJoker · 08/02/2025 22:08

Just to add, if a partner pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or punishes you for not wanting sex, that is sexual abuse. It’s coercive and coerced sex is not consensual sex. Your husband is abusive.

onceuponatimelived · 09/02/2025 07:04

Tell the bastard it’s not ALWAYS about sex. If he doesn’t like it, he can fuck right off. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time OP, partners are there to support you through not pestering you for sex at your lowest. Get rid of him if you can! You need the space and time to figure out your own emotions away from his selfishness.

Frozenbees · 09/02/2025 07:06

Have the conversation. Mine started doing this for a while (although never got irritated at lack of sex). I told him, and started pointing it out when it happened and he's much better now.

Original poster
Chocabrick · 09/02/2025 13:00

Brought it up this morning. He seemed genuinely mortified. He's one of those people who apologise straight away without really having a conversation. It's sort of difficult to feel like we've had any meaningful conversation and I'm unsure if I've really been understood.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 13:34

Chocabrick · 09/02/2025 13:00

Brought it up this morning. He seemed genuinely mortified. He's one of those people who apologise straight away without really having a conversation. It's sort of difficult to feel like we've had any meaningful conversation and I'm unsure if I've really been understood.

Well done for bringing it up to him. Were you able to tell him what you need from him? It’s great that you’ve broached the subject and that he’s apologised but it’s also important that he understands what you need. It will help him to meet your needs if he knows what they are.

Frozenbees · 09/02/2025 13:36

I would revisit it - whats the alternative? I'd say sorry dear clearly its an uncomfortable subject for you but its important to me and i dont feel we've reached a resolution. Its a deal breaker though, i cant go on like it, so we do need to.

Creameded · 09/02/2025 13:36

Apologising quickly is a known male tactic to shut women down.

You need to discuss this further.
How long are you together, children, age?

Cattreesea · 09/02/2025 13:46

This is not a real relationship, he does not see you or treat you as a human being with feelings and emotions. You are just there to provide sex.

Raise your standards and get rid of the selfish sex pest.

Applesandpears0 · 09/02/2025 14:10

TipsyJoker · 08/02/2025 22:07

Your husband is an arsehole. I’m sorry. This is abusive behaviour. He’s punishing you for not giving him sex on tap. Just because you’re married that doesn’t give him rights to your body. Marriage is a partnership where you love and respect each other and support each other through life’s ups and downs. That’s not happening here. This will destroy what little self esteem you have. You can do better than this. I would quietly make plans to leave.

Wowzers, talk about being OTT.

OP said he ‘seems ‘ irritable, he hasn’t pressurised her for sex, nor coerced her into doing something she didn’t want to do. For all we know, he might have been fine but she interpreted his mood differently as she was feeling low.

OP’s DH has clearly enjoyed the increased levels of sex, and hopefully she has as well, and that’s great, for both both of them but nowhere does OP say the sex was pressurised or forced. Just like so many women on here say they feel unwanted when there OH doesn’t want sex with them , OP’s DH might have felt a little unwanted as well, this does not make him abusive.

TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 14:20

Applesandpears0 · 09/02/2025 14:10

Wowzers, talk about being OTT.

OP said he ‘seems ‘ irritable, he hasn’t pressurised her for sex, nor coerced her into doing something she didn’t want to do. For all we know, he might have been fine but she interpreted his mood differently as she was feeling low.

OP’s DH has clearly enjoyed the increased levels of sex, and hopefully she has as well, and that’s great, for both both of them but nowhere does OP say the sex was pressurised or forced. Just like so many women on here say they feel unwanted when there OH doesn’t want sex with them , OP’s DH might have felt a little unwanted as well, this does not make him abusive.

Show quote history

“I've just wanted to cuddle but he seems irritated that it doesn't lead to sex. Last night he didn't come upstairs until early hours of the morning and it's making me feel really unwanted. It's all making me feel that he doesn't want to be affectionate unless we have sex”

This is coercive control. It’s do what I want or I will punish you by disengaging, being passive aggressive and I won’t cuddle you unless it leads to me getting sex. That’s abusive behaviour.

Applesandpears0 · 09/02/2025 14:23

TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 14:20

“I've just wanted to cuddle but he seems irritated that it doesn't lead to sex. Last night he didn't come upstairs until early hours of the morning and it's making me feel really unwanted. It's all making me feel that he doesn't want to be affectionate unless we have sex”

This is coercive control. It’s do what I want or I will punish you by disengaging, being passive aggressive and I won’t cuddle you unless it leads to me getting sex. That’s abusive behaviour.

Show quote history

No it’s not!!

seems - opinion.

didn’t come to bed until the early hours - maybe he was engrossed watching tv or maybe he fell asleep?

Bollocks is it coercive control.

TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 14:26

Applesandpears0 · 09/02/2025 14:23

No it’s not!!

seems - opinion.

didn’t come to bed until the early hours - maybe he was engrossed watching tv or maybe he fell asleep?

Bollocks is it coercive control.

Show quote history

Yes, it is. Are you a man by any chance? And even if he was engrossed in something else, he is still withholding affection from OP as a coercive control punishment. It’s put out or you get zilch. It’s as clear as day. You disagree, that’s fine. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Applesandpears0 · 09/02/2025 15:39

TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 14:26

Yes, it is. Are you a man by any chance? And even if he was engrossed in something else, he is still withholding affection from OP as a coercive control punishment. It’s put out or you get zilch. It’s as clear as day. You disagree, that’s fine. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Show quote history

No, I’m a woman.

The wood frog is often mistaken for a quaking duck - so although you may believe this is very black and white, it is not always as it seems….

Original poster
Chocabrick · 09/02/2025 17:08

I think the most important thing here is that he has in fact made me feel this way. I don't know if it's abusive - maybe? I feel more that it's neglectful of my feelings. I now feel low for bringing it up and not feeling as though we resolved things. I'm not exactly sure what else to say so feel stuck. We have great day to day conversations, make each other laugh but physical affection without sex is completely non existent. We've been together 15 years, in our 30s and have one child under 5 to answer @Creameded

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 17:56

Applesandpears0 · 09/02/2025 15:39

No, I’m a woman.

The wood frog is often mistaken for a quaking duck - so although you may believe this is very black and white, it is not always as it seems….

Show quote history

I said probably and the OP and her husband aren’t frogs. If you think this isn’t coercive control that’s fine. We disagree.

TipsyJoker · 09/02/2025 17:58

Chocabrick · 09/02/2025 17:08

I think the most important thing here is that he has in fact made me feel this way. I don't know if it's abusive - maybe? I feel more that it's neglectful of my feelings. I now feel low for bringing it up and not feeling as though we resolved things. I'm not exactly sure what else to say so feel stuck. We have great day to day conversations, make each other laugh but physical affection without sex is completely non existent. We've been together 15 years, in our 30s and have one child under 5 to answer @Creameded

You need to tell him that you need physical affection that doesn’t lead to sex. Hugs, holding hands, kisses, whatever that looks like for you. Then, see if he can do it or if he always tried to push it to more. If he does, he’s not listening to you and he doesn’t care about your feelings.

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