Recovering from infidelity..

[anonamum123]

I’d love to hear others opinions who have been through this process.

I stayed, I’m trying, but I’m anxious all the time… not just about him but about everything. I panic easily, everyday. I don’t function highly like I used to, I am so easily distracted this is consuming me and I feel very low in confidence and self esteem. I equally don’t feel like I would feel any different if I left, if anything I would feel worse. I have two children and want my family.

I work out, I walk, and I am trying mindfulness but this is consuming.

how do people move forward? My h doesn’t want to discuss my feelings, he’s avoidant and runs a mile when I’m low. I’m not abusive, I try to speak and not attack, but it’s always met with defence - and I know the longer I do this, the less likely we are to move forward. I want to let this go… But how?

for reference it was an emotional affair - I found out in June 2024, and then found out they continued to meet up until November 2024. So this was prolonged, and is difficult to come to terms with.

Thanks. X

I am sending u my best wishes OP.

That sounds incredibly hard for you. Anxiety is horrible and you’re not going to get better until you start talking honestly with your husband. You’re allowed to be sad/angry/whatever you feel. He can’t just ignore it and expect you to carry on.
Could you get some counselling? (For you, I mean, not as a couple).

You can’t move on when you’re not allowed to talk about how you’re feeling. It also takes an average of 5 years to overcome infidelity. This can only happen with candid, open discussions him answering any and all of your questions, complete openness with online accounts, phones, etc. You should go to

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com

Where you can speak to others who have been through what you’re going through now and can give you the best advice.

You need to talk about this. You cannot just brush it under the carpet. That will fester. He shouldn’t be getting defensive and try to stop you from working through this. He doesn’t get to have an affair and then tell you to shut up about it. Fuck that. He either gets on board with fixing this problem of HIS making or it’s over and he moves out. That’s your options I’m afraid.

Oh, I’m so sorry for you :( That is such a lot to deal with.

It’s true that being single with kids isn’t a walk in the park. It’s hard, both financially and emotionally in the sense that you have a lot of immediate pressures to attend to.

but, you also need to think about what will make you happy long term, and what lessons you want to teach your children. For your part, you only get one life and you shouldn’t feel like you have to make massive compromises to live and enjoy your life. Ask yourself: is your partner doing similar? Probably not because by tradition men have to give way less.

Also ‘emotional affairs’… I’ve never understood this term, as surely emotionally checking out of a relationship is 100% worse than someone scratching a physical itch.

This is going to sound blunt so apologies in advance…. my advice is don’t do the work.
People don’t change.
Especially not in this scenario where he isn’t engaging or taking responsibility.

Why is he deserving of you attempting to do the work and keep the peace?
It’s not him that’s feeling crappy about it … it’s you.

His actions caused this … let him face the consequences.

Bin him off.

I think you need to look at the Chumplady Site, and get yourself physically and mentally prepared for him to leave, make sure he isn’t clearing out the family assets.

Firstly don’t be hard on yourself. That timeline still very recent. Not that there’s a cap. Emotional wounds unfortunately are not visible. We suffer alone mostly but if you were trying to walk round with a couple of broken legs it be no wonder that be tough.
If your DH not one to give you the support you need try writing. Therapist or counselling or even get away for some alone time to get in the trenches with your pain.
Whatever you feel you feel and that’s ok. You were betrayed and it’s no wonder that has had an impact. Greatness of the impact the problem not your reaction to it.
As a starting point think if you had a magic wand what would you want to happen or how would you like things to be? Then its working out how to get there.
Also processing it is feeling and thinking it until one day it doesn’t hurt any more. Bit like when you’re going through hell keep going.
I’m just sorry you are suffering.

Everything @TipsyJoker says.

He's not remorseful. He's not safe.

Please seek more help, surviving infidelity is amazing!

Good luck, you deserve someone who will move heaven and earth to be and do better.

If you’re struggling to come to terms with it maybe you aren’t supposed to. You don’t have to forget about it. If he’s avoiding supporting you when you are down that’s not cool either.

If you’ve tried and it’s not meant to be and you can’t get over it then don’t beat yourself up about it, do what feels good for your own mental health. We aren’t brought up to be treat like shit, so when someone does that it is hard to forgive !! Be easy on yourself xx

Coming to terms with it means talking about it openly and finding out why it happened and why it won’t happen again. You are anxious because you are living in a state of limbo and to stop feeling like that you might need to take control and make a decision. If you are walking on eggshells afraid to confront in case he starts things up again, or grows distant from you, or leaves yo

Posted too soon. You are possibly in fight or flight mode and to get out of that physically and mentally you should get everything out in the open with your husband

Listen to your gut insinct, it's telling you that you aren't safe, there's good reason for you feel.the way you do, you aren't wrong. I totally understand why you can't leave him and why you keep trying. It's not healthy though. Sending my love, I can really empathise with your pain and discomfort x

This is still very recent, of course you haven't processed it yet. This man, the very person who should have your back has caused you enormous pain. It makes you question everything else around you and no longer trust your judgement.

You have given your partner a huge gift by agreeing to try he should be bending over backwards to help you through this. The fact that you are not able to speak to him about how you feel doesn't bode well. I second trying to get some counselling as a safe space to discuss how you are feeling.

I'm so sorry your having such a tough time OP, anxiety is the worst feeling in the world, and it can consume every aspect of your life. I would definitely consider some councilling, you can self refer to talkworks and the waiting lists aren't to bad as far as I'm aware. It may also be worth speaking to your GP, I take propanalol along side Fluoxitine for my anxiety and it works wonders. I would say in regards to your husbands avoidance, he needs to accept what he has done, and accept this is the outcome of his actions. Good luck 🫶 xx