To take a step back from my relationship?

[hereforadvicee]

So… I don’t even know where to begin because it’s such a mixture of things… but I’ll try!

I’ve been with my partner for around 9 months. We live around 45 minutes from each other, and he stays here on his days off which tend to be around 2 nights a week on average.

I’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and currently at home on sick pay (but doing fine financially thankfully!) because I’m so fatigued and burnt out all of the time. On top of that, I have an autistic son who has no contact with his dad and I care for full-time (apart from when at school of course).

Partner admits that he doesn’t like cooking, therefore when he stays here, the cooking is all on me otherwise he will just snack all day long and not eat properly, and I can hardly cook for just me and DS and leave him out. Partner also doesn’t clean up after himself when here - I cook every meal, he won’t go and wash up the dishes for example. It honestly feels like I’ve got another child to care for at times and I just don’t have the energy for it.

When we’re not seeing each other, he is a very eager texter and if I take a break from texting, he is checking in every couple of hours - I think it’s genuinely a needy thing and not having anyone else to speak to (very limited friend group). I feel like I can’t just lay in bed and binge watch tv or read for a few hours without being on my phone. I just feel like I’ve got no routine because of seeing him or speaking to him, as mad as that sounds!

AIBU to just take a huge step back - meaning cutting wayyyyy back on overnight visits and how many times in a week and cutting back massively on texting so I can actually have some time to myself, build my routine back up and feel like I’ve got some independence?

There’s also some other issues including personal hygiene and just feeling like he is a bit of a pisstaker (for example he will always find someone’s house to have dinner at - either friends or mum’s so he doesn’t have to cook), and not very thoughtful (if I’m having a bad day health wise, will still expect me to cook food for him, won’t offer to do it for once or order in etc).

There’s a lot of good qualities about him, on the flip side, such as always taking me to my appointments and really comforting in other ways when I’m having a bad day physically, which is making me think of taking a step back and seeing if anything changes rather than just ending the relationship completely.

What has he said when you have talked to him about these issues? Because just taking a step back is fine but it doesn't really address the key problems here. I personally wouldn't want a man child to look after under the circumstances but if you want to give him another chance you need to straight up tell him it's not acceptable to treat your house like a hotel (is he contributing financially to the cost of food etc at least?)

He is quite emotional about everything in general, so I’ve not spoken to him as such about things because I don’t know how to address it without upsetting him? He didn’t contribute financially at first but now I’ve made a point of paying for food separately when he is here etc

I think it’s worth saying something especially as you are not well. Can’t you say something like, I’m exhausted tonight, do you mind doing the washing up since I cooked?

The bit where you say he takes you to appointments I think is important. Not all partners do things like that.

If he doesn’t respond to you asking him to step up then reconsider the relationship.

He sounds like another kid to take care of.

Dirty. Ew.

Overly needy.

Won't cook.

Won't clean up after himself.

Parasites off others for meals.

His emotions aren't your responsibility to manage. If you can't say basic things like - please wash up after i've cooked, have a shower, i won't respond to your texts when i'm busy etc etc you're in big trouble. You sound like his mummy not his partner. He is taking the piss.

You are wasting your time on this one. What does your long term future look like with him? He moves in and you are cooking for him and cleaning up after him every night with him contributing nothing, while not having good hygiene (eww)?

Just no! Surely you want a partner who makes your life better not worse.

Well, if you think it's worth being together at all then have a very full and frank conversation with him. I don't think anything you've said is a huge deal breaker, you can bring it to his attention and let him know your expectations and then if he changes for the better - then it's a win.
If you don't think it's worth doing that or don't think he's capable of changing then what's even the point in cutting back. Just cut it off.

He’s a parasite, a free loader, lazy, and to top it all off it sounds like he stinks as well.

Get an Uber to your appointments. If you’re having a bad day, come here.

So I did it… I basically told him that I can’t care for another person at my house anymore and I need to stop overnight visits if he can’t start doing things for himself… he basically said he doesn’t feel comfortable say cooking for himself yet and that will come with time - he has been staying at my house for months now so I feel that’s a cop out excuse for basically just being a lazy human being?

Whats his excuse for not doing dishes or cleaning after himself? Not comfortable yet for that? Is that going to come ‘with time’ too?

Bollocks.
His mom is still waiting to see for all those things to ‘come with time’.

Focus on yourself, you have enough on your plate. You don’t need this manchild.

So he has poor personal hygiene and won't do anything to cook or prepare or clean up meals. Basically he is just a smelly freeloader! Why on earth are you interested in him? A taxi can take you to appointments. You don't need him to do that. I bet he doesn't pay for any of those meals either, does he? And he goes from house to house eating everyone's meals but never reciprocating, is that right?

"he basically said he doesn’t feel comfortable say cooking for himself yet and that will come with time"

But he HAS comfortable to knowingly watch you struggle (he can't be that dim) and now you've raised it remains happy to continue letting you struggle under the guise of being "uncomfortable". Sounds like the guy is just lazy which is really unattractive