I don't know how I feel about exDH

[Chocolatesalad]

Feeling so conflicted about everything.

I split from my ex husband a year ago. We have two teenage dc and share custody.

I was with my ex for 20 years. We had some wonderful times, but throughout it also some awful times. He could always be passive aggressive, angry and stressed at times but the last few years he was unbearable to live with - emotionally abusive, cold, ignoring me for weeks etc.

Having had a year apart, I realise that I had a part to play in the dynamic too - I was a people pleaser, I could get overly emotional and also I had unrealistic expectations of him in some ways. My ex always struggled with his mental health and I found it very difficult at times to cope and support him through it, even though I tried my best.

I've really worked on myself and tried to understand what went wrong in our relationship, as I was so devastated by the whole thing.

I met a new guy a few months ago. We have been seeing each other, we've kissed but that's all, as I feel I want to take things slowly.

I still see my ex a few times a week for various reasons. We get on so much better now there is distance between us. We sometimes have a really good conversation and a laugh, but I notice the next time I see him, he can be a bit distant.

Basically I feel really confused. When my ex and I first split up I was so relieved as our relationship had been so toxic. But now I seem to be remembering all his good bits - loyal, reliable, caring in his own way, devoted dad etc. He and I can have good conversations. He hasn't dated anyone since we split. He doesn't have many friends so mainly just sees the dc and me.

I'm confused as I sometimes feel like I still love and care for him. Our lives are still intertwined. I really miss being a family - I've been feeling so sad today as the dc are with him. On a Saturday we used to do family things together, then I'd cook a nice meal for everyone then we'd all watch TV or a film together. It all felt so comforting somehow. Now I just feel alone.

But the other thing is I also have strong feelings for this new guy. He and I get on so well, we are very physically attracted to each other (whereas my ex and I didn't really have that, although maybe that's normal after 20 years), he is kind and caring, and emotionally open and connected in a way my ex isn't. But he can never be part of a family unit with me in the same way my ex can.

I keep comparing my ex and the new guy (in my head!) and realising that no one is perfect (including myself), just different.

I have started therapy and my therapist has said that I have anxious preoccupied attachment. She said that I have lots of different parts of myself that want different things and that's ok.

But I'm not sure how to go forward and feel so confused.

If anyone has any thoughts, they would be very welcome!

Do you think your DH wants you back ? And have he had some sort of therapy after separation?
I wonder if he is different with you not because he’s changed but just because you are in a different mode now - you are not partners anymore and not connected.
Depending on the age of your teens they might leave soon and you won’t be able to have the previous family set up anyway. Your life will change. I’m not saying that your ex DH won’t be good in it, I’m just saying that you are heading to a different stage at the relationship when it’s mostly you are your partner.

Sorry meant that you are heading to a stage when it’s mostly you AND your partner.

@pizzaHeart that's the thing, I sometimes get the feeling that exDH does want me back, and yet at other times not at all.

We had a good conversation on the phone yesterday, and at the end of it he said "love you". I know that was probably an automatic reaction, as we used to say it to each other at the end of phonecalls for the best of 20 years. We both pretended not to notice, and neither of us mentioned it. And then at other times, for example today, he was a bit cold and off with me. It seems to be a pattern with him, if we have a good conversation or a bit of a laugh one day, the next day he will be a bit off with me.

No, he hasn't had any therapy since separation. Yes I think you're right - I'm in a different mode now that we have separated, there are no expectations of him, so from my perspective I feel more lighthearted when I am with him.

That's a good reflection that things will be different anyway re the family set up when my dc leave. They are currently 16 and 13.

I just don't know whether I should try to limit seeing my exDH. I think I see him too much, so I've never really had the chance to fully move on. I don't hate him, and still care about him, so it's been confusing as to whether I still love him as a potential partner.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Your husband is familiar. Familiar is often mistaken for safety. He’s not emotionally safe for you. You need to take off the rose tinted glasses. He has mental health issues that were really difficult for you to cope with. He was emotionally abusive to you for years towards the end of your relationship. This new guy sounds good. Pursue that.

@TipsyJoker Thanks. I think I partly feel confused as my exDH said to me that me and our relationship played a big part in making his mental health problems worse. He had a mental breakdown and blamed it on me. I have really worked on myself for years, and I know I have many flaws, so I am sure I did contribute to his stress. He was very different to me than he was to everyone else in his life. He is loving and caring with the dc, but with me he was very different when we were living together.

But I am confused as sometimes he can be nice to me, and seems like he cares. He sometimes seems genuinely concerned about me. We are still tied together financially - he has always earned more and he is being very reasonable re finances. I just don't understand it.

You're right that he is familiar. Throughout our 20 year relationship, I never really had any male friendships, he was the only man in my life, so I think it feels very strange to be moving on from that.

It’s disgusting that he blamed you for his mental breakdown. He is responsible for his own mental health. He sounds emotionally abusive. Abusers are never horrible all the time. Look up the cycle of abuse. It sounds as if you’ve done a lot to try and improve your emotional wellbeing for yourself and your family and he has blamed everything on you. It’s not all on you. I think you should try and limit how much you see him. Spend more time dating your new man when the kids are with him. You have to remember that your ex is on his best behaviour now that you’ve split up. Plus, you don’t want to get back together and then it reverts back to old ways and you have to split again. The kids don’t need that level of confusion and neither do you.

Were you feeling like this before meeting the new man?

One of the first things you say about him was his hot and cold treatment of you . Why on Earth would you want to go back to that when he is doing it even now ?

Yes the cycle of abuse resonates. It just feels so real and genuine when he's being nice, it's hard to get my head around. But I think you're right, that I need to start limiting the amount of time I spend with him.

I read something once (can't remember where!) that said, if you feel always confused after being with someone, they are not good for you. And that's how I feel with my ex. Its like my mind is saying he can be nice, he's got got points, he's a good dad, we could be a family together. But my heart is saying something else.

Yes, I've always felt like this about him. Confused - and I think it's because he has two sides to him. But I was never sure if part of it was me, and if I had too high expectations. I know no one is perfect.

@veraswaistcoat I know it seems strange. All I can say is that I sometimes feel l lonely and he and I do have good conversations and we have such a long history together. I'm sure some of it must also be due to the fact that I don't have very good self esteem.

It's good that you get on well- good for DCs and good for future weddings/graduations etc when you'll see each other. You were with him a very long time, he's father to your DC, part of you will probably always care for him. But that doesn't mean you should be together. Often people work better as friends/acquaintances than a couple.

Look to the future/ this man is part of your past. And it isn't old man vs new man- it's all about you. Carry on working on yourself and be happy you have a good co-parenting relationship with us the very best thing for your kids. Think of the DC as well- not fair on them to have a yo-yo relationship, the current situation is much healthier for them.

My ex and I get on really well. He helps me with things. I get on well with his parents. They all came to my dad's funeral when he died. We share a DD. Naturally at times I've wondered if I did the right thing ending it but the reason we get on so well is because we aren't together. I'll always care about him but again that doesn't mean we should be in a relationship.

@Shubbypubby Thanks, that's helpful to hear about your situation. You're right, sometimes people do work better as friends rather than partners.

I just feel I am still deeply grieving for the end of the family unit. I am a very family oriented person, so it's almost like I'm not sure how to go forward with not having that any more and only having the dc part time. I'm also grieving how exDH was at the beginning of our relationship - loving, caring and kind, then the last few years angry, cold and constantly irritated with me. But if I'm honest, he did always have mental health issues from the beginning that I found difficult.

No I definitely wouldn't want to have a yoyo relationship with him, as you say it wouldn't be fair on the kids.

It seems like I've been feeling sad about this for ages, I wish I could just move on! My therapist has said that my feelings are probably linked to my feelings about my dad, who was similar to exDH in some ways, and left our family when I was a teenager and never kept in contact. So it's probably bringing up feelings from that too!

I will continue to work on myself and hopefully at some point come to terms with everything!

Abusive men always blame others for the issues they won't do anything about.

If you get together with your ex I get the feeling it would only be a matter of time before he slips back into his own ways.He's done nothing to help himself has he?;no counselling,no getting a hobby and making new friends.

You should give things a shot with your new boyfriend.

Have you had any counselling for yourself to help you get through the crap you went through with your ex and help to put in more boundaries for yourself as to not get taken advantage of by others (I'm a fellow people pleaser)

It's lovely you are fond of your ex and you can co parent well.

That does not mean you should try and get back into a relationship with him.
He has not changed. He does not want to change.

Have a Google of intermittent reinforcement.
It will explain why you are still attached to him and why his behaviour (hot/cold on/off) is so distressing and will always be a cause of unhappiness.

Even if it doesn't work out with the new man, there are others. Why go back to your ex when you don't have to? You can't wish or will him to be what you think his potential is. You have to look at the person in front of you.