Dating a former boyfriend and he won't start a physical relationship with me

[SnappyLemur]

I have been dating my ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago for over a month and things are going well. We see each other whenever my children are at their father’s and we have nice meals out or go for a drink. He hugs me and holds my hand and is proud to be with me when we are out but he never kisses me and has declined offers to stay at mine. I have been to his home for a meal but he has never invited me to stay. It feels like he is avoiding intimacy with me as we do have a past.
I have previously dated him for seven and half years and but as I said it ended 20 years ago. I was going through a traumatic time after the death of my brother and he was very supportive. I refused to seek help such as bereavement counselling and my mental health declined. After an argument because I wouldn’t accept help, I dumped my boyfriend and quickly took up with a new man. My ex wanted to reconcile with me but I was going out with the new man and declined his attempts to win me back in the most horrible ways. My new man encouraged me to put on public displays of affection in front of him (we live in a small town and drink in the same pubs). He used to make nasty comments and try and belittle my ex in front of his friends and mine. I even invited my ex around for breakfast knowing my new man would be there in my bed. I was manipulated by my new man in to treating my ex-boyfriend disrespectfully and I deeply regret it. We married and that manipulation continued and got worse. We had three children together and I thought I was happy but as I started to lose friends and others distanced themselves from us, I realised things were not right and ended the marriage.
I have tried to talk to my new man about what had happened 20 years ago and he shut me down saying he did not want reminded of it. When I spoke to his best friend he said that he still harbours a lot of pain and anger about those times but was seeking help from a counsellor as he wanted to try as he had always thought I was the one. He doesn’t want to stay at my house as it’s where I lived with my ex-husband and gave him the life that he had always wanted with me.
The lack of intimacy and the pain he is going through is crushing me inside as I want him to be happy and enjoy our relationship. I deeply regret the way I treated him in the past and want to make it up to him. Any ideas on how I can improve this situation?

It’s only been a month? He will probably need more time to trust you but it sounds like there is a lot of bad history between you. Maybe you should try and find someone new rather than going backwards

It's up to him. You cannot force this. Decide whether this is good enough for you, or not.

This is such a toxic relationship. He must be so desperate to get back to you after all this. The kindest thing is to break up and have a few therapy sessions separately because he is not ok to accept being with you again after all this.

The lack of intimacy and the pain he is going through is crushing me inside as I want him to be happy and enjoy our relationship.

My advise is to end it (again). It didn't work out the first time and it doesn't look like it's going to this time. This sounds horrible for both of you

I’m not sure you can really.

You behaved really badly - unless it was really an abusive relationship I’m not sure you can blame it all on your ex - it’s not taking responsibility is it?

The fact he’s with you after having been treated so badly, speaks to some very low self esteem - and that’s before we get to the fact your vicious ex is still on the scene because of your kids.

I think the best and kindest thing would for you to say it’s not working and finish it - you both need to look forward not back.

Yikes.

He's working through some trauma and having an imaginary relationship with you from 20 years ago, both good and bad. You're wanting to move on as if it's an entirely new scenario.

If this works out, I will eat my hat.

@SnappyLemur I am surprised he actually wants anything to do with you considering your actions last time! you sound awful!

Have you asked him about it, told him how you feel or asked him how he feels?

It's been a month. Chill the fuck out.

You need to let him make his mind up in his own time. He was obviously very affected by your horrible past behaviour and needs to learn to trust you. I honestly cannot see this working out as there are so many hurdles but you won't help matters by putting pressure on him.

I would question WHY a person whom you treated so abysmally would want to be with you again. It sounds as though he has low self esteem.

You appear to not be taking full responsibility for how you treated him by saying it's because this new man manipulated you etc.

If old/new boyfriend is in therapy and has unresolved pain/anger surrounding your treatment of him, then he's absolutely NOT in the right space to with in a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone you.

You are lucky he's giving you the time of day. Give your head a wobble and realise you have no play here. You have to wait for if and when he's ready.