Minimising pain of separation

[ManualNeeded]

I feel so guilty writing this. I have realised and have for a long time that I am not compatible with DH. He has autism which contributes to this and there is no emotional or physical intimacy in our relationship. There never was much emotional intimacy but it wasn't a priority for me early on as we had other things in common - similar values and some similar interests. but for the past 5 years I have become very frustrated by the lack of connection and feel very alone when he is around. He is quiet, talks little, never asks questions and rarely laughs. I often think I'm just talking to myself when sharing news as there are no nods or smiles or hmmm or follow up probes. And he rarely initiatives conversation.

We have been to counselling and he has had support to understand his autism but none of these things have improved our relationship and how we connect with each other.

We have 3DD's aged from 10 to 15. They are fabulous, creative and sensitive but I am terrified That breaking up their home will cause them shock and immense pain. I am also afraid of causing DH great pain as he is happy with the current situation and always has been. He has no friends and relies on us for all his interactions though he is very introverted and fine spending time alone. His hobbies are ones he does on his own too.

Fortunately we do not have financial concerns. We both work in the third sector and have good roles and incomes though we would need to downgrade home if we were to separate and I have no idea what that would look like.

I am a very loyal person and causing a separation is something I feel very guilty about. I also feel very selfish at the thought of instigating this when he is a good person and a very loving father. Last week my 10 year-old asked me 'do you like daddy?' - I think she picks up on me being so critical over small things, I don't want to be a critical person and he deserves more.

Does anyone have advice on minimising pain associated with separation or has anyone separated from someone who is a good person?

I think I I know what I want to do but I'm terrified as I sit here in my lovely home with my gorgeous children of destroying their view of how the world is, and selfishly causing overwhelming distress for everyone with no idea how it will pan out.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Did the counselling help in any way for you? I'd be inclined to restructure your life to give you more joy, so that you can persevere with the current situation until your DD are a few years older. Leaving your husband now as you say will cause huge upset and disruption. Not that your feelings aren't immensely important, but weighing that up against the guilt you may feel if you initiate a breakup is the challenge. I'd go to individual counselling to help navigate this. Good luck.

Thank you galectable. I really appreciate ur perspective. The counselling was useful but I no longer have the desire to work hard on improving things as I work hard in all other areas of my life so don't have capacity, and it's been going on so long I have little hope that things will change. But I see your point about individual counselling focusing on managing this without causing problems for everyone. I will reflect on this option, thank you again.

It strikes me that your DH is happy with the relationship because it’s meeting his needs and is on his terms - but his happiness is at the expense of your happiness. Similarly, you are putting the happiness of your children ahead of your own happiness. Many women struggle with being ‘selfish’ - when actually all they are doing is asserting their own needs. There’s nothing wrong with this - in fact, it’s healthy!
It sounds like you’ve tried and tried - and you cannot do more than that. You have to decide how much longer you can go putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, and what impact that will have on you long term.

It doesn't sound like it would be that much of a shock to your dc if your dd is asking if you like him.

I don't think it's a great example for girls to stick out a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable. Would you want them to recreate this dynamic in their own futures?