Husband doesn’t know if he loves me any more…

[Frenchie18]

I don’t want to share too much identifying info about our circumstances but we have been together over 15 years, married since Covid times and we have a three year old. That all being said, I am devastated about this revelation.

I have felt something has been off for a few months but brushed it off for a while because he just seemed fed up of me “nagging”, we’ve had pretty standard disagreements about chores etc. I’ve also had a rough time at work since maternity leave ended so I also wondered if it was me that was depressed or something.

However, he’s become so distant now that I flat out asked if he loves me because it doesn’t feel like it and he kept saying “I don’t know”… why? “I don’t know” I said why haven’t you talked to me when I’ve asked? I’ve said we need to communicate better since I started feeling things we’re off and he just said “I can’t” as if he doesn’t know how to.

I feel so stupid but obviously I hope we can work through this even though deep down I know it could also go the other way. Does anyone have any advice or can empathise with this? I feel so alone as I’m currently too embarrassed and emotional to tell my friends and family.

to be honest he actually does a lot in the house, potentially more than me depending on how you look at things, I do a lot of the life “admin” stuff so maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong by expecting him to just understand that. I do do a share of the house stuff too and I’ve also previously suggested we get a cleaner to take some of the burden but haven’t had any match with times that we need (yet) unfortunately.

I think there is danger in trying to distinguish “in love” from “love” in a long-term relationship. Relationships cannot be moonlight and roses the whole time. Particularly when DCs are small, I think romance in the “in love” sense can be in low supply because the parents are very busy with DCs and generally very tired. I think true romance is in the mundane - going through the daily grind together and still finding things to talk about and making each other laugh.

What strikes me here is a couple of things:

(1) It could just be confirmation bias, but it seems to me that there are quite regular posts on here where the poster and their partner got together young and have been together many, many years before having children and now children are on the scene, the man can’t seem to make a sensible and mature transition to being a father. This may apply to your husband and he needs to grow up; and/or

(2) You sound a bit as if you’ve vanished. Motherhood is amazing and a privilege and I’m sure you’re doing very well at it. But you’re other things as well as a mother. Your DH is at the gym every night and you’re at home all day with your toddler and too tired to do anything in the evening. You’ve faded into the background of his and your life.

You need to find yourself again; ideally something one night a week which you do for yourself and which excites you a bit.

How is he spending "plenty of time" with your son when he's always at work or the gym?

We both work during the day so no criticism there and then he goes to the gym when our son is in bed (7pm) or napping at the weekend.

Many interesting posts here, especially
about loving someone and "being in love"- what's that even about? 🤭
A little joke.

Also, @SpringBunnyHopHop I agree with vast majority of stuff from this poster.

However, it doesn't ALWAYS have to be another woman.
I'm definitely not in love with my husband of 20 years, but I wouldn't touch another man
with a bargepole anymore and husband is
a decent, most worthwhile person in my life, so...
Maybe some men feel similar.

Yet again I think we can unpick this to discover 'since you had the baby I am no longer the centre of your attention and I don't like it waaaaaaah'

How is it going? Do you know which direction your relationship is going in ? I do hope you have managed to talk.

I went through this about a year ago with my husband so I can empathise - getting “I don’t know” about whether he wanted to work on things or not nearly drove me to destruction. I packed my bags and left quite abruptly after he first made this revelation after things being off for about a month. Whilst this isn’t always logistically possible and I can’t say it was an immediate fix it did make me feel more in control and also gave us both the space to think about what we really wanted. My therapist gave me the advice to take a step back and let him do his own thinking rather than pushing for an answer and in the meantime focus on doing what I wanted to make sure I was confident that either way I would be okay. This is so much easier than it sounds if, like me you just want security and to know what the fuck is going on with your life. I decided I wanted to work on things as we were married and that I didn’t want to just give up, it took a lot of tears and painful conversations, he started therapy which helped. Nearly a year on things are actually better than they were before although has taken a while for me to rebuilt trust. Ultimately it does take a lot of work and agreeing to communicate openly which only he can do on his side. I don’t know if sharing my experience is helpful at all as obviously everyone’s circumstances are different but I just wanted to say I know how painful it is but it doesn’t always end badly.