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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've lost him to the drug world

26 replies

Griefinthenight · 07/02/2025 20:47

So so sad. For 5 years I had a relationship. It wasn't perfect. But I spent half the week with him. We'd go to work. Meet up after. Cook and he'd run me a bath. He'd be in and out the kitchen. We'd laugh and cuddle up for hours. I wanted to be with him forever back then. I'd found my peace. My person. He smoked weed on and off. But it wasn't a big deal for me. But he moved into a different area of town 2 years ago and the friendship circle changed. It started off with him getting top friendly with people he'd buy weed off. Slowly he started to let people stay over without a place to go. We began to only spend time at my place and I gradually never went to his anymore. His behaviour changed. It was secretive. I encouraged him to get support but he was in denial. But it was obvious the more time went on he was slipping into a darker world.

I left him 4 months ago. But he occasionally reached out. He was emotional and sad. Wanted me to help him get sorted. So I started to occasionally see him again. But new names were being mentioned and another new male was spending alot of time with him. He began answering his phone sometimes and he was slurring.

Hes so bad now that he will ignore me all day. Need to end phone calls after I heard people calling in the background. Its like these people come first now. He won't talk to me If they are about.

He called me 2 days ago. He's gone into therapy. He said he'd learned alot and his therapist had helped him understand alot. He said he was determined to be happy and he sounded almost uplifted. I invited him up for a Chinese and a catch up. I really have been so worried about him and we haven't spoke for a while as I needed to step back from the situation. Whilst on the phone arranging a time someone spoke in the background and he had to go. 2 hours later I was calling in frustration. He was an hour late for tea. He ate it. Then was itching to get home. He said he'd call me when he got back. He never called. Yesterday morning I called him a few times. I messaged asking him if he was OK as he hadn't contacted me. I started to feel anxious and worried. I eventually got a response at 4pm today saying he had run out of credit. This makes no sense I've been calling him! He has ignored 7 calls since 4.10pm. I've sent 4 messages too.

I know people won't understand. But I hope some may. I know I've lost him forever. He's gone. How do I get over it. It's heartbreaking watching his fade but also his belief currently is he's got some great friends. But they are all addicts.

OP posts:
SociopathicGorilla · 07/02/2025 20:50

You need to block this man. You’re not his therapist and he doesn’t want help anyway.

northernlight20 · 07/02/2025 20:51

You can’t help ppl who don’t want help and won’t help themselves. They will drag you down with him. Time to cut ties and let him get on with it.

Griefinthenight · 07/02/2025 20:52

SociopathicGorilla · 07/02/2025 20:50

You need to block this man. You’re not his therapist and he doesn’t want help anyway.

I understand. I just feel so devastated

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 07/02/2025 20:53

northernlight20 · 07/02/2025 20:51

You can’t help ppl who don’t want help and won’t help themselves. They will drag you down with him. Time to cut ties and let him get on with it.

I got quite a few weeks in but feel I've failed myself so much this week.

OP posts:
PiastriThePastry · 07/02/2025 20:53

You can’t help a man, or any person for that matter, who doesn’t want to be helped. Continuing to try to make him who you want him to be will only lead to strife for you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/02/2025 20:56

I’m so sorry op, but you said it yourself - you have lost him to drugs. He has made his choices in life. Time to block and move on for your own sake op.

RIPVPROG · 07/02/2025 20:57

You need to treat it like a bereavement OP, he's gone, give yourself some grace and time. Have you considered Al anon? It's really good support for people like you affected by other people's addictions

MinnieDelight · 07/02/2025 20:59

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard to feel someone you love slip away. This has been two years of decline for him, don’t allow another 2 years of your life to pass by waiting for you. He knows where you are, he’ll find you if he’s ever well enough but you can’t put your life on hold for someone that has a more powerful mistress they have no control over. 💕

AluckyEllie · 07/02/2025 20:59

He is currently in with some of the worse people. Cut him off before he starts involving you. Begging for money. Having people turning up at your door for payment. You might think I’m being dramatic and maybe this will be as bad as he gets. Maybe he’s got much further to go before he hits rock bottom. It is almost impossible to get clean when all you are surrounded by and socialising with is other addicts.

IlooklikeNigella · 07/02/2025 21:00

Ah I'm sorry OP. You are grieving. But the PPs are correct; you need to block him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2025 21:01

You minimised and or simply did not recognise the red flags here. Addicts too lie repeatedly to themselves and anyone caught up with them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You are likely to be codependent in relationships as well. Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to you personally.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works yet here you were trying to be both. It was a waste of time. You cannot help
anyone who does not want to be saved.

Block him on all channels and do not contact him ever again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2025 21:08

He wanted you to help him get sorted. Another red flag. This was never going to work and indeed it has not. The will to change had to come from him and him alone, using you was completely unfair.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Take time away from dating to heal and consider therapy . Your boundaries have been skewed by this relationship and these need a reset.

WantingMoreCareer · 07/02/2025 21:09

Al anon for you. Regardless of what he does/doesnt do.

anyone in recovery will tell you you are strongly advised to not get involved in any relationship for a long time. If he’s interacting with you in this way, it might suggest he’s not really working the programme.

again - al anon for you. Call them. Message them online. Just get on the Al anon train.

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:03

He won't admit he has a problem. I know I need some support. I'm struggling so much. He seemed so happy the other day. Like he was happy with the people he currently has around him. Even though they are bad. He thinks they are better than me yet I've helped him so hard.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:05

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2025 21:08

He wanted you to help him get sorted. Another red flag. This was never going to work and indeed it has not. The will to change had to come from him and him alone, using you was completely unfair.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Take time away from dating to heal and consider therapy . Your boundaries have been skewed by this relationship and these need a reset.

I find it very hard to find a therapy that understands BPD behaviours and addiction. I do need to look for some support though.

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 08/02/2025 06:08

SociopathicGorilla · 07/02/2025 20:50

You need to block this man. You’re not his therapist and he doesn’t want help anyway.

You need to see this again.

I thought this post.was going to be about your son where it's an "impossible situation".

This is a man you are notarried to and have no ties to

Block and run. Do not throw any more of yourself.away on thid man.

Find a good therapist and stop dating in the interim.

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:15

When I saw him the other day. He looked genuinely happier for being away from me. His new friends are making him feel good and he's forgotten everything I've done for him.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 08/02/2025 07:47

It's hard seeing someone you care for becoming a different person Op but please remember, he doesn't think they're better or nicer than you, they have drugs and that's their attraction. Until he can see the drugs as a problem he's not a good friend for you

Lurkingandlearning · 08/02/2025 07:56

This is probably a long shot, but is it possible he’s been cuckood. That these friends who are always in his house when you speak to him on the phone have actually taken control of his home.

If I thought that was happening I think I’d get the police to check on him.

Youv done that right thing and I do understand knowing that doesn’t make it any less sad. It’s sad enough when couples just drift apart but having to end it because of drugs must add anger and worry for him to the mix. Try to keep busy and distract yourself and it will gradually start to ease

And @Daleksatemyshed is spot on

FatAgain · 08/02/2025 08:02

I was also wondering about the cuckoo thing OP, somehow you need to do a welfare check.

I had one of these and I left him, he was mired in it. He was dead 18 months later - he didn’t want help or even acknowledge a problem so I walked away. I’m always glad I did.

Motnight · 08/02/2025 08:03

Op you've got other threads going about this. What do you want from these threads?

MugPlate · 08/02/2025 08:07

OT but how on earth does he have a job and live like this?

AyrnotAir · 08/02/2025 08:28

Is this the man who has daughters and a horrible cousin who you had a previous thread about?

If it is, I think you could be doing with some more, intense therapy. If it's not you likely should look in to it as well.

graceinspace999 · 08/02/2025 08:33

AluckyEllie · 07/02/2025 20:59

He is currently in with some of the worse people. Cut him off before he starts involving you. Begging for money. Having people turning up at your door for payment. You might think I’m being dramatic and maybe this will be as bad as he gets. Maybe he’s got much further to go before he hits rock bottom. It is almost impossible to get clean when all you are surrounded by and socialising with is other addicts.

Read this carefully- once an addict gets to this stage they tend to involve families and friends to get money.

Its terribly sad and difficult but you need to drop the rope and let him go.

You might seek support for yourself as well.

MinnieCauldwell · 08/02/2025 08:42

You cannot save him, he is an addict and very probably now a dealer.

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