Looking for honest advice - I have been married almost 30 years and my marriage has largely been unhappy from the start. My husband was very highly strung at the beginning of our marriage and showed me who he was from the start really. I believe this is because I had no familial support and had been in a similar relationship before and had confided in him about this. Regular and explosive arguments lead to me being traumatised and he threatened me so many times, standing over me intimidating me, punching walls and doors, etc. If he perceived he was losing in an argument, he would threaten self harm and suicide. Or, he would flounce out. If this did not work, he would threaten to give up his job so that we would lose our house, etc. No physical abuse to date.
Over the years, my husband has been lovely at times and very generous, but, when I think about it, he has never had my back and I would not say we are a partnership. He is very arrogant and has to be in control. We have a grown child together and he has always undermined me in front of her. I have had episodes of mental health (depression and anxiety) and he has been supportive whilst I am ill. The last time I was ill, I was prescribed antidepressants and he said I ‘changed’ on them. Probably because I was more assertive and outspoken.
About 10 years ago, my husband discovered I was attracted to someone else. This was via my search history on social media. Nothing has ever happened and I would never cheat. However, since then, he has changed but, to be honest, our marriage was in trouble prior to this due to the aforementioned issues. Our sex life is no more and I do not think of him in that way anymore, due to his abuse and arrogance.
I have been lonely in my marriage for around 8 years and cannot take anymore. I am unhappy, even though we are comfortable and have a lovely home. My husband has put our (limited) savings in a bank account in ifs name only and I have to ask if I need money for anything. We hardly ever talk and I am full of resentment.
I brought up separation to my husband and he flounced out of the house as he is incapable of having an adult conversation. He also threatened to ‘destroy’ me if I told anybody he was abusive to me (logged with the police). I asked him if he thought us both being unhappy was ok and he said he thought we would just go back to normal at some point.
I have been receiving input from a domestic violence organisation in anticipation of leaving. I told my husband I want to separate in May,once our daughter graduates uni. I am struggling as I know I have made mistakes and am wondering if my husband could change with the correct help. I am seeing this largely from a materialistic point of view as we have a lovely home and will have to sell it if we separate. I am also in my 50s, so late in life to begin again.
Advice needed please