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Original poster

Anyone feel suffocated in a relationship?

8 replies

Kellogs12 · 07/02/2025 16:43

I have 2 young children and a lovely boyfriend who I have started seeing around 3 months. My children go to their dads 2 nights a week so I see my boyfriend then.
He is a kind and caring man but how on earth do people have time for a relationship with young children, work, a house etc? I feel like all my ‘free’ time is now dedicated to my boyfriend and I do want to give this relationship time and energy but I’ve no headspace for anything else. Now that I’ve a boyfriend I’ve no free time to myself for things like the gym, friends, hobbies etc.
I genuinely don’t know how to juggle it all. I feel bad trying to explain this to my boyfriend but he has all the time in the world so he doesn’t really understand it

OP posts:
CunkonEarth · 07/02/2025 16:58

I'm in a similar situation with my dc at their dads usually twice. It's hard. I hate the fact that if I want to see my bf it means I can't go to the gym or see a friend. He is understanding to a point, but doesn't have kids so doesn't really get how all consuming it can be. I'm planning to talk to him about seeing him only once per week. Then using the other night/day for myself. He might decide that's too much of a part-time relationship for him, and so be it. But I feel like I'm risking losing myself and my other parts of life if I don't find a better balance. Good luck!

TipsyJoker · 07/02/2025 17:00

See him one night a week. If that’s not enough for him that’s a shame but you have to make time for yourself to rest and recharge when you don’t have the kids. They’re young and they will have you run ragged. Self care is vitally important not just for your own mental and physical health but so you can be the best possible version of yourself to be the best possible mum to your kids. He will have to fit into your life in a way that suits you since you’re the one with the children. And don’t let him bully you into letting him come over to yours when the kids are there in order to see you more. It’s way too soon and the children are too young. It’s their house too and they should have peace in their home not a strange man hanging about taking Mummy’s attention away from them.

Original poster
Kellogs12 · 07/02/2025 17:02

CunkonEarth · 07/02/2025 16:58

I'm in a similar situation with my dc at their dads usually twice. It's hard. I hate the fact that if I want to see my bf it means I can't go to the gym or see a friend. He is understanding to a point, but doesn't have kids so doesn't really get how all consuming it can be. I'm planning to talk to him about seeing him only once per week. Then using the other night/day for myself. He might decide that's too much of a part-time relationship for him, and so be it. But I feel like I'm risking losing myself and my other parts of life if I don't find a better balance. Good luck!

So glad it’s not just me. I honestly don’t know if I’m cut out for this

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellogs12 · 07/02/2025 17:03

TipsyJoker · 07/02/2025 17:00

See him one night a week. If that’s not enough for him that’s a shame but you have to make time for yourself to rest and recharge when you don’t have the kids. They’re young and they will have you run ragged. Self care is vitally important not just for your own mental and physical health but so you can be the best possible version of yourself to be the best possible mum to your kids. He will have to fit into your life in a way that suits you since you’re the one with the children. And don’t let him bully you into letting him come over to yours when the kids are there in order to see you more. It’s way too soon and the children are too young. It’s their house too and they should have peace in their home not a strange man hanging about taking Mummy’s attention away from them.

Yeah I haven’t had a free night nearly in the 3 months I’ve met him. Either had the kids or him over and constantly having to be ‘on’ just has me drained

OP posts:
SpringBunnyHopHop · 07/02/2025 17:05

Surely you don’t need to see him every time you’re free?

Original poster
Kellogs12 · 07/02/2025 17:08

SpringBunnyHopHop · 07/02/2025 17:05

Surely you don’t need to see him every time you’re free?

Well I guess to build on our relationship 2 nights a week is kinda required. Feels a lot to maybe not see him for 1 week

OP posts:
CunkonEarth · 07/02/2025 17:35

It is hard and I'd just say keep communicating with your bf. Perhaps you've gone a bit too much 'all in' on him right away and it's natural you need to carve out some time just for you. Maybe don't pull away without discussion, as he may interpret it as you being hot and cold. However if he can't accept your boundaries during a mature conversation, that will tell you everything you need to know.

At the start of my relationship it was only once a week I saw my bf, usually the weekend. Then after a few months, I started to realise it could actually become quite serious, and around the same time my ex asked to have the dc midweek occasionally as well. So I naturally fell into seeing bf twice per week - I.e. all my free time. It felt fine then as we were building the relationship, as you say, and I wanted to show him I was committed to him. But we've been together well over a year now and I'm starting to feel the need to pull back and reclaim some time just for myself.

Free time as a single/solo parent is very precious, and I've suddenly got a lot more going on with my dc at the moment, so I'm fairly sure my bf will understand when I talk to him. But as he has literally every day of the week to himself, and total free choice how he spends those hours, he doesn't really get how constraining life can be around kids, work, the school run, even mundane things like when the weekly shop gets done - I can't just pop out ad hoc whenever I need! Everything has to be planned and considered. So one night per week I just want that feeling of freedom too without thinking 'oh I can't do A B or C because bf will be here in an hour'.

Hopefully you can both have a chat and find something that works for you both.

Treeinthesky · 07/02/2025 18:27

This is why people end up moving in together to soon (myself included) just split and I'm so incredibly sad and lonely tonight. Basically he goes to the gym with you meet people who have shared interests

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