Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend’s home is unsafe

26 replies

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 15:21

My boyfriend has sent me a snappy text. He lives with his mother due to finances and he is her carer. She stays in bed as she has depression as a result of situations caused by other people.

They had a big flood the other day come from the bathroom through the kitchen ceiling. I was there and we called an emergency plumber out. I spoke to some people since and one said they should have called the insurers then someone else said it might be cheaper to not go through the insurance.

I told my partner but his mother gets angry when she has to ring companies up. He has told me to leave him alone as his mother is annoyed with him and said she doesn’t know if she has house insurance.

I said if you have no house insurance if there is a fire nothing would be covered and I left it then as otherwise he will see me as interfering. He did reply and said if it was him he would get on it straight away. He said he will speak to her later when she is fully awake, he has an annoying habit of waking her up to chat when she is asleep.

I am concerned the ceiling is bowing cos of the water and the kitchen plug socket got water on. I usually wash up where the bowing ceiling is and don’t want that collapsing on my head. My boyfriend got an electric shock off the plug socket after the leak as he didn’t know the electrics had got wet there and we went to A&E and still have some aches, tingling and headaches but the doctors checked him out. I switched off as the fuse board at night the sockets that had water on to avoid sparks in the night. An electrician is coming out in a few days.

The have other lights and plug sockets that haven’t worked for years and use extension leads in some rooms with lamps. His mother tripped over the extension lead the other day and fell on the floor.

It is not my business but I am really concerned for them on a health and safety point of view. I stop over at his as I am not allowed to have guests at my shared living but I feel my safety is at risk.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2025 15:28

Is there a capacity issue here, with his mum? Is she receiving support from adult social care? There are grants available for older people and people on low incomes to carry out essential repairs to their homes, and it sounds as though the level of disrepair her could qualify: your local authority should be able to signpost your boyfriend if he wants his mum to benefit from these. If your boyfriend is her full time carer then does she also receive PIP or Attendance Allowqnce? These things can also be gateway benefits to additional financial support for home repairs.

LIZS · 07/02/2025 15:34

He has told you to back off so do. If it is not insured and they take no action to sort out the damage it will have repercussions on them. Some insurance policies have emergency cover as add on options. His mother sounds vulnerable but suspect they won't thank you were you to involve social services. .

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 15:38

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2025 15:28

Is there a capacity issue here, with his mum? Is she receiving support from adult social care? There are grants available for older people and people on low incomes to carry out essential repairs to their homes, and it sounds as though the level of disrepair her could qualify: your local authority should be able to signpost your boyfriend if he wants his mum to benefit from these. If your boyfriend is her full time carer then does she also receive PIP or Attendance Allowqnce? These things can also be gateway benefits to additional financial support for home repairs.

Edited

He asked her a few times if he could claim carers allowance and she told him don’t. So he is an unpaid carer.

Thanks for advising about the possible grants.

OP posts:
Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 15:40

LIZS · 07/02/2025 15:34

He has told you to back off so do. If it is not insured and they take no action to sort out the damage it will have repercussions on them. Some insurance policies have emergency cover as add on options. His mother sounds vulnerable but suspect they won't thank you were you to involve social services. .

You are right. I certainly don’t want to get social services involved and I would probably be banned from the house. A good point, they know the consequences of their actions. They always bury their head in the sand and I don’t want to start making it my problem. I have enough of my own problems.

There are 2 other siblings. 1 hardly comes round and the other one doesn’t bother and is waiting for the mother to die as she is desperate for the money even though they are already rich. Again not my business.

OP posts:
Gloriainextremis · 07/02/2025 15:42

Do they own their home or is it rented?

GreenManalishi · 07/02/2025 15:53

A woman that won't get out of bed or allow a call to me made to her home insurance, being looked after by a man who can't find the fuse board isn't a magical combination, but it's not your issue to solve. The other two siblings might have got to the point where they realise that this is not a situation that can be improved before you. I would solidly leave them to it, if you want to have somewhere to spend overnights with your boyfriend try and find alternative accomodation that allows. I woudn't be washing up there again.

Itssofunny · 07/02/2025 15:55

It's harsh, I know, but is this the relationship for you, op? Just from what you've written here it's hard to see a future with you two living together, maybe having kids etc.

Maybe I'm cold, but I've always vetted boyfriends not only on their personalities but also on their family's situation. We never know what life will throw at us, but we can try to avoid the obvious difficulties before getting emotionally involved.

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:08

Gloriainextremis · 07/02/2025 15:42

Do they own their home or is it rented?

She owns the home outright, no mortgage.

OP posts:
Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:09

GreenManalishi · 07/02/2025 15:53

A woman that won't get out of bed or allow a call to me made to her home insurance, being looked after by a man who can't find the fuse board isn't a magical combination, but it's not your issue to solve. The other two siblings might have got to the point where they realise that this is not a situation that can be improved before you. I would solidly leave them to it, if you want to have somewhere to spend overnights with your boyfriend try and find alternative accomodation that allows. I woudn't be washing up there again.

I know you are right. The other siblings tried to help a few years ago but she sees it as interference when they were trying to help their mother who clearly needed help.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 16:09

He asked her a few times if he could claim carers allowance and she told him don’t

Why did she say that?

To be honest, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend is bullied and controlled by his mother and is probably already under a lot of stress and worry, without you pointing out more things that he needs to sort out.

If I was living with a woman who refused to get out of bed, didn't know if she had insurance, couldn't make phone calls and for some reason wouldn't agree to me claiming carer's allowance despite me caring for her, I would be absolutely at the end of my tether and someone just pointing out all the stressful things I was already aware of and feeling overwhelmed by would just about finish me off.

Bristolinfeb · 07/02/2025 16:09

If the ceiling is bowing then he needs to put a large bucket underneath and poke a hole above the bucket to let water out.

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:11

Itssofunny · 07/02/2025 15:55

It's harsh, I know, but is this the relationship for you, op? Just from what you've written here it's hard to see a future with you two living together, maybe having kids etc.

Maybe I'm cold, but I've always vetted boyfriends not only on their personalities but also on their family's situation. We never know what life will throw at us, but we can try to avoid the obvious difficulties before getting emotionally involved.

I find it hard at times as it does seem stagnant as he has health issues and is on and off from work but does nothing to lose weight to sort the health issues. We haven’t been away together for nearly a year. I want a happy life too. Not waiting for someone to sort themself out. He does say at time he feels he holds me back and I deserve better. I don’t get why he don’t sort himself out but he probably has depression too with his work, health and mother.

OP posts:
Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:12

Bristolinfeb · 07/02/2025 16:09

If the ceiling is bowing then he needs to put a large bucket underneath and poke a hole above the bucket to let water out.

Thanks for the tip.

OP posts:
Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:14

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 16:09

He asked her a few times if he could claim carers allowance and she told him don’t

Why did she say that?

To be honest, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend is bullied and controlled by his mother and is probably already under a lot of stress and worry, without you pointing out more things that he needs to sort out.

If I was living with a woman who refused to get out of bed, didn't know if she had insurance, couldn't make phone calls and for some reason wouldn't agree to me claiming carer's allowance despite me caring for her, I would be absolutely at the end of my tether and someone just pointing out all the stressful things I was already aware of and feeling overwhelmed by would just about finish me off.

He is frightened to have serious conversations with him as she gets angry and shouts at him. This is emotional abuse and to tell him not to claim carers allowance and do it unpaid.

You are right. He has other problems and then his mother having a go and not supporting him. I wasn’t having a go at him but am genuinely concerned.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2025 16:19

Is thus really a relationship you want to remain in?.

There is nothing you can do here now other than walk away from him. His mother and he are in an unhealthy codependent relationship with each other and you will always be on the outside.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2025 16:20

And he is right. He is holding you back and you do deserve better.

His mother could live for many more years yet. Neither of them want to be helped.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/02/2025 16:27

I agree that he's holding you back - what kind of future do you see with him?

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:37

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/02/2025 16:27

I agree that he's holding you back - what kind of future do you see with him?

I’m not happy waiting for someone who won’t change. I can see is being in the same position next year. He has 2 older teenagers who stopped staying over as they told their mother they didn’t like the state of the house. Even that wasn’t a deterrent to get the place sorted. Won’t even do it for his kids.

OP posts:
Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:38

I can’t confide in any friends at how unhappy I am because they can’t even sort their own lives out and have problems. It would be like talking to a brick wall or they turn the conversation back to them.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 07/02/2025 16:43

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:38

I can’t confide in any friends at how unhappy I am because they can’t even sort their own lives out and have problems. It would be like talking to a brick wall or they turn the conversation back to them.

What do you feel your choices are here OP?

OkayLetMeKnowHowItGoes · 07/02/2025 16:44

You get one shot at life, and this situation sounds like a shit show. Do you think in 10 years time you will regret not putting yourself first at this moment in time?

delvan · 07/02/2025 16:47

Is this the only place BF has to live? If so, that's why he puts up with it I suppose. Maybe he loves his mother deeply too, who knows?

Can he not claim carer's without mum's approval, sorry I don't know the conditions attached.

I think I would have a long hard look at things going forward though. It is far from ideal, and will only get worse as time goes on. Then YOU will become the carer.... watch out for that one.

I think I'd back off going to the house for now. Meet in a neutral space for a date night instead. If he wants you to stay over, the house must be fixed and habitable. Sometimes an ultimatum is all they understand.

Tigertigers · 07/02/2025 16:57

delvan · 07/02/2025 16:47

Is this the only place BF has to live? If so, that's why he puts up with it I suppose. Maybe he loves his mother deeply too, who knows?

Can he not claim carer's without mum's approval, sorry I don't know the conditions attached.

I think I would have a long hard look at things going forward though. It is far from ideal, and will only get worse as time goes on. Then YOU will become the carer.... watch out for that one.

I think I'd back off going to the house for now. Meet in a neutral space for a date night instead. If he wants you to stay over, the house must be fixed and habitable. Sometimes an ultimatum is all they understand.

Yeah, the problem is he is off sick so cannot afford his own place.

Oh gosh. I don’t want to be a carer.

Weirdly after I posted that he said his mother was on the phone to the insurers and they are getting everything sorted for trades to attend. He said he will spend the next month sorting the house then go back to work.

He is a good guy and I love him. I am glad he was persistent with his mother as they need to sort these issues out.

I will see how things go as I don’t want to be on the same position in 6 months.

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/02/2025 17:02

Why is he off sick? Yet he knows he will be fit enough to return in a month Hmm what job is it that will be waiting? He sounds less attractive the more you describe him.

It took almost three months to sort out a similar leak and consequential damage in dm house, part of her ceiling came down with weight of insulation which had absorbed water.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2025 17:18

What Lizs wrote.

Do not passively sit and wait to see how things go. That’s you kicking the can down the road.

What is there to love about this man?. He can and is using his mother as a way of avoiding getting serious with you. Now he’s given himself another month to apparently sort out his mother’s house before going back to work.

You can do better than he. Why is your relationship bar this low?.