Advice on this

[JJ96]

My gf decided she wanted to go travelling for 4 months, I couldn’t go with her and 6 months before she even went I suggested we split up and see how we’re feeling when she got back. She declined that offer and said she wouldn’t go travelling if we split up. I decided we gave it a go and we agreed to communicate a lot and we will meet half way through her trip.

First 2 weeks she’s in Thailand, communication is awful and I give her an ultimatum, we either try communicating better or we split up and see how things are when you get back…

She said " I don’t want to lose you, I’ll try be better” (the words you want to hear) communication is great for another 2 weeks and I’m feeling confident and better about it all.

3 days ago she moved over to Vietnam, exactly the same situation happened, awful communication.

I call her out on this and say this isn’t working, she agrees, but can’t give me an explanation as to why it’s so difficult for her to communicate, I ask her " do you wanna be single for this trip” answer is no. "Do you want me to meet you for your birthday still?” Answer is I don’t know everything is really hard…

She gives me no reason or explanation as to why things are hard and she leaves me no choice but to focus on myself and tell her we need to go our separate ways. I send this text:

Do you still love me or do you feel different about us since being out there

I know you don’t wanna read this right now Al but I feel like we’re damaging what we have

and the best thing to do is to leave each other alone and see how we feel about ourselves and about each other when you get back.

I’ll always love you, you’re a big part of my life and always will be but I’m feeling resentment towards you. We can’t do this right now and we can’t continue like this

Enjoy all of your travelling, I want you to have the best time and I’m so proud of you and I honestly hope we’ll connect again in the future

She replies: I’ll always love you Monts but yeah I kind of think that is best rn I hope we do reconnect

And that’s it…3.5 years, 4 years in September together.

I haven’t responded and plan not to respond, she has 2.5-3 months left of her travelling until she comes home to reality

What do you advise here? Will no contact be the best thing for this situation, considering she’s across the other side of the world and 8 hours ahead.

Would love your advice, sorry about the long message.

You sound like a total control freak. She doesn’t give you enough attention and you threaten to break up with her. Stay no contact, it clearly doesn’t work between you

You sound possessive. How can it already be going wrong with Vietnam when she’s only been there 3 days? Surely you can go 3 days without talking??
I think you need more than a person (or most people) are able to give and you should let her go and be free

You seem to be upset that she has agreed with you to end it, but you have pushed her to do so? it is unreasonable for you to think she should be in touch all the time when she is away on her travels.

This is not normal behaviour on your part

I agree with PPs. You sound too demanding of her attention and time while she's travelling and having fun. What would have been the point of going if she just spent all of her time talking to you?

She's 8hrs ahead, so there's only a small window each day where both of you are awake and free to chat. She shouldn't have to plan her activities or time around you getting your attention.

Your ultimatum was unreasonable and unkind.

Leave her to her travels. I think it's probably for the best you've split up, so that she can do what she wants, guilt free.

I can see from your perspective it may seem frustrating that you suggested the sensible thing a while ago of breaking up and seeing how things are when she's back, and she turned that down and your concerns were realised.

But you've really not handled it very well since. As others have mentioned, there's a time difference and she might not have signal/WiFi all the time. Don't message her anymore, leave her to enjoy the rest of her trip and consider asking yourself why a few days of reduced contact when you know someone is away triggers you so much - seems an unhealthy level of attachment.

@Anotherparkingthread jeez, words hurt you know! Bit harsh.

Op, leave her to enjoy her trip. Maybe it will be different down the line but don't pester her and ruin it. I also think if you thought it was best to end it before she went, you could have followed through as you knew she wouldn't meet your relationship needs during that time. Good luck!!

Good grief, she went on holiday for four months. She didn’t move to the moon forever. It sounds like you’re totally trying to ruin it for her by trying to control how often she should get in touch and throwing your toys out of the pram when she doesn’t comply, and then sending that ridiculous passive aggressive dopey email at the end. I’m assuming you’re no older than 18 because grown ups don’t do that. I suspect she’s fed up with you by now and has come to see the benefits of you dumping her. At least now she can get on with having fun on the trip of a lifetime that you tried to ruin.

Sounds to me like you wanted to shag around whilst she was away, then get back together on her return with no guilty feelings on your part. Because she wanted to stay together (hardly surprising given the length of your relationship, what is surprising is that your first instinct was to end things after so long), you then put completely unrealistic expectations on her - basically if you were miserable back here alone, you want her to feel miserable and guilty about it. You've made her trip all about you.

Now you have basically pushed her into agreeing to split and you suddenly feel all upset about it. I suspect you wanted her to beg you. Or you just wanted to keep ruining her trip.

I hope she doesn't take you back on her return. You play games, you are controlling and you are nasty. Maybe take a look at your behaviour and really ask yourself what motivated it all.

This.

Get off her case and let her enjoy her trip.

She was absolutely right to break up with you - who needs a whinging baby back home when you're supposed to be having the time of your life. My best memories from my 20s are from my gap year.

I swear I read this before.

It sounds like each of the "suggestions" that you split up while she travels, were actually threats, that if she doesn't do what you want you will split up with her. Now it's backfired on you.

How is it control freak to say what you want in a relationship? If frequent communication is a dealbreaker for you, and the other person can’t offer that, it makes sense to split.

I’m really surprised at the lack of sympathy on this.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t have thought of breaking up over 4 months of travel. It’s not that long. But if you are younger I understand maybe it feels more significant. I wonder if you didn’t want her to go or were insecure about whether the relationship would survive and suggested splitting as a way of managing that uncertainty.

I have been in a very long distance relationship. It’s tough, especially with a big time difference added in and especially if you have any insecurity or anxious attachment patterns. That doesn’t make you a control freak or a bad person. Equally, she is not wrong for wanting to travel and getting caught up in the excitement of that. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you or wanted to hurt you.

Having got to this point it appears the best thing to do is leave her alone. I’m sorry. You don’t have to go strict no contact but not more that occasional, not more than is naturally reciprocated, not expecting or demanding anything from her. Be really kind to yourself, i guess it will be hard for you to hold off contacting her. Lean on friends and family if you can, try to get that panicky feeling soothed a bit. I really hope you can reconnect when she’s back, whether that’s restarting your relationship or finding a way to be friends. It sounds like you do care about each other.

🙄 Okay then.

I think if she’s happy to go traveling without you for 4 months she’s not that into you. If you’ve been together 3 and half years you should be planning trips together, not taking them separately.

You sound way too needy.

You literally got what you asked for after cornering her into an impossible situation.
it would be kind to respond with a breezy ‘enjoy the rest of your trip and have fun’ then don’t contact her again
relationships are hard and your feelings are understandably hurt. Maybe do some self reflection as to what your feelings really are and own them. Her going away may have felt like a rejection for you, you’re worried she would cheat on you etc etc etc, sit with those feelings and own them, that’s how you’ll grow.

I think you've been unreasonable, she's travelling, I'd expect communication to be irregular and every few days, not so much you're fighting over whether it's enough within a fortnight.

Leave it. She's agreed that it's for the best.

If I was in love/in a committed relationship I wouldn't want to go travelling for 4 months without them. If I did, I'd want to tell them where I've visited, send them photos etc. If I was somewhere remote where there's no signal/WiFi, I'd let them know. If I was on my own abroad, I'd assume loved ones would want to know I'm OK and they'd worry if they didn't hear from me, but that's just me. OP, in your shoes I'd just leave things be.

You sound needy as f*ck tbh. Sorry to sound horrible. Having travelled to Asia myself I know how hard it is to get signal etc in some places, also how can she enjoy herself if she has to message you every 5 seconds. I think you’ve kind of messed this 1 up yourself by being so possessive,

I went travelling for months after uni, older boyfriend of 4 years was working and couldn't come.

He was supportive of me going, excited to hear from me when I chose and it was convenient to me, because he understood that with travel my schedule was quite unpredictable and it was hard for me to know whether I'd be available for calls at set times or be somewhere with reliable WiFi. We had trust in each other and the relationship, and he came out and met me for Christmas/ New Year and we had a great time, after which he went home and I carried on travelling. And when I got back I lived with him for a couple of months then went for post grad study in a city a couple of hours drive away from him, and he continued to be great for the 2 years I was there and several years after we moved back together.

He was supportive, trusting, excited for my personal growth and me realising my dreams through travel, while also being secure in his own life and himself.

You sound almost the exact opposite of all those things and very controlling and demanding of her time, not at all supportive of her dreams.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you're not aiming to be controlling, and are just very needy - but it's worth introspecting and asking yourself why you feel you need all this contact and communication, and why after 3.5 years you don't feel able to trust her and support her dreams for her life and are creating all this drama for you both by threatening to split up with her all the time when she wants to do something for herself and not in line with your demands.

What a selfish, petulant child you are.

For her sake, stay no contact forever.

Depends how much contact you wanted from her. I wouldn't have expected more than a call twice a week. Maximum. If that's even possible.

She's in a new place. Internet might be patchy. She'll be knackered. She has to focus on saftey, getting food in etc...before she can do anything else too.

So I do agree you've probably been too needy.
It does also sound like you want to be single and fuck around whilst she's away. That's what I'd assume if I were her.

But I do think you've done the right thing separating. Know that both of you have the right to see other people now. I'm not too sure she'll want to get back together. Personally I'd be feeling you pushed me away if I were her.

But then again, I probably wouldn't go travelling alone for 4 month if I had someone I really liked back home. It may be your relationship was on the out anyway.