Nothing in common - How to improve this marriage?

[somewherewherethesunshinesallday]

Hi lovely ladies

I’m after some advice, me and DH seem to have drifted apart for quite a while now but life goes on and was so busy until recently my sex drive is through the roof and I have been feeling like missing out a lot..

I need to find the spark again, I can’t cope being in a marriage like this

Just a brief summary, we met when I was 23 and he was 24 at uni and got married so quickly (after 3 months of dating). He was different by then, caring, looked after himself, he chased me and spent a lot of time for me, we talked a lot and sex was great at first.

I then got pregnant and life was so busy, he continued further studies and I was very busy working being the breadwinner while he was studying and working part-time. Sex went off for a long time, I had a very stressful job - we barely did anything together. He started let himself go, he got a bit depressed and started gaming a lot.

I was so lonely, we argued a lot and not sure why but I thought a second child would be a good idea.

Now with 2 DDs - 4 and 12yo - here I am feeling completely disconnected with my DH.

We are in a good financial position, I do earn a lot more than him.

He does contribute and does chores in the house, good dad but passive. He doesn’t have any hobbies rather than gaming which I don’t like. He has no friends and comes along to socialise with my friends occasionally but he doesn’t enjoy it that much I think. We have nothing to talk to each other apart from about the kids.

I have asked him to change and he is trying but it is part of his personality, he is just like that he doesn’t do exercise - doesn’t enjoy outdoors much - doesn’t like travelling or socialising much- totally opposite to me!

Where do I start now as I don’t even find him attractive anymore, he has PE issue - it makes sex very unsatisfying too.

I need to do something, I’m feeling very down and it is affecting my DDs

Thank you for reading!

Perhaps you need to spend some time together to reconnect? Can you find a hobby that you both enjoy, like going to the theatre or cinema? Think back to what attracted you to him in the first place, can you try and recapture some of that?

Do you want to stay together? I think you just married far too quickly before you knew yourselves and each other well, and you made the wrong decision.

Try new hobbies together until you find some things you enjoy spending time doing.
Commit to the time. A day per weekend focussing on together.
Agree to not spend so much time gaming - set a reasonable time, like twice per week for two hours. When not gaming other things will naturally take that place.

Start by taking a daily walk around the block when the kids are going to sleep. You are lucky in that your oldest is nearly old enough to baby sit for short lengths of time.

Hobbies ..

films
sailing
swimming
walking in nature
French cooking
joining a book group
joining a local charity
redecorating a room per year.
vegetable garden
jam making
visiting markets
dog walking

What's PE issues? Do you mean ED?

Thank you all
He would not do most of the above, but walking and redecorating sound good thank you for the suggestions

If no kids I would leave, but I can‘t - my elder daughter is at the age she needs both of us. She is not emotionally mature and has a lot of friendship issues.
It’s not the right time to think about leaving..

premature ejaculation, and he is only 37.. it kills the sex to be honest

Most things can be resolved if you're both willing to put in the effort. Could you try couple's counselling?

Why wouldn't he do those things? Or at least try them if he thought it'd bring the two of you closer together.
Is he that selfish he just couldn't be arsed to have a new experience with you?

He is very withdrawn in a way he doesn’t like being in a group

plus he is not into any sport whatsoever

so he wont/cant do swimming (me neither but im attending swimming lessons now and I have asked him to join and I will get a babysitter but he said no)

I think I’m fed up of organising things so much too, from holidays to birthdays, celebrations etc

Sorry if I've missed it - when you say you've asked him to change and he's trying - how's that going? Did he ask you to change and meet him halfway and how's that going?

Why do you think he is so withdrawn? Was he always like this?
Is it anxiety? Depression?

He is who he is and trying to get him to partake in activities that he doesn’t find enjoyable isn’t the answer. By your description he sounds quite socially anxious so any sort of group activity will be hell on earth for him

Many couples have very separate social lives and hobbies and it works just fine.

The issue does seem that if you were happy with your shared life, then the separate hobbies the wouldn't matter but as you’re unhappy with your whole relationship, you’re focusing on that.

Unfortunately you married someone you barely knew and the reality of how incompatible you are has well and truly set in.

Does he have diagnosed/possible autism? That might make the prospect of new experiences unnerving rather than appealing. Or could he be depressed? If there's an underlying issue like that, he'll need to be willing to tackle it first, and that's not up to you. In fact, none of this is up to you - he is an adult, and adults only change when they want to. Pushing him to change will probably make him push back - how would you feel if he told you he'd like you to socialise less and start gaming more with him? You may just not be very well suited to each other.

I think that ultimately people change. The experiences that happen in life will change you over a prolonged period of time and you'll never be the same as 10 years ago. DCs, jobs, resentment, grief, stress - all those things impact how we are. As long as we are all aware of that, the rest can be worked out. If you are open to accept that things can improve, but will never be the same as the honeymoon phase, you're off to a good start.

There is an imbalance in your relationship but it sounds like your DH is fundamentally a good man. Have you encouraged some sort of therapy for him so he can address why he might be a bit depressed?

Start small, dedicate an evening a week to have a sit down meal without phones, TV, just chatting when DCs are in bed. Pick a few topics not related to DCs. Something silly as 'what's the meaning of life'. 'What would you do if you won the lottery'. Buy a board game. Loads of card games out there that are designed to reconnect couples.

From then on go out to dinner. Who doesn't like food? If he likes gaming, go to an arcade or an escape room - you might not like gaming but make an effort to entertain what he does to unwind. Ask for the same in return - let's go and visit a national park and have a picnic.

Small steps, have an open conversation about embracing each others interests. He will never want to go hiking and swimming in lakes, that's not his thing, but through trial and error you can find something you mutually enjoy doing.

Staying for the sake of the children rarely if ever works out well for any and all parties.

You cannot stay with him just because your eldest child has friendship issues and apparently needs you both. What sort of father are both these children seeing here?. What are you yourself teaching your kids about relationships?.

Stop kicking the can down the road: either he shapes up or ships out. It’s down to him ultimately what he decides to do. It sounds like he’s very much checked out and you got married when you were still very much in the early days of your relationship.

He has not checked out, I have had a very serious conversation with him. His personality is very much opposite to mine.

He does all the school runs, does 1/2 of the house chores and he works very hard and gives me money for the family even though I earn more. We are financially stable thanks to both are very responsible.

He is passive and I have to accept it is part of his traits, he is laid back and incredibly simple.

But I do agree we share very little in common and it was a rushed marriage.

Maybe I have a lot of expectations?

yes thank you so much, the hardest thing for me at the moment is try to think what to do together with him alone - even conversation seems forced for me at the moment but I know deep down I need to put more effort into this too..

The effort has to be two ways. The will to change needs to come from him too.

You need to have a very blunt discussion with the way you both feel. Perhaps let him see this post to jolt him into action. Alternatively write him a card/letter with how you feel and what you think about the current situation. PE must be very frustrating to say the least.

If your feelings continue as the are now it may well be the end.

Good luck OP.

You got married and had a child very soon before you actually knew each other so it's not really surprising the relationship has run its course. Could you think about a way to separate and co parent effectively?

There are some good ideas for things to do together. A couple more are conversation prompt cards, games like Sussed work and you don't need to play it as a game, to give you some ideas of things to talk about. You can do them with your kids too if it feels weird with just the two of you at first. Escape rooms in a box can be fun or board games. These are both gaming adjacent. TV programmes you could watch together could be a good first step too.

I am very much like your husband in that I have no interest in socialising and I'm quite happy to sit quietly at home and do nothing or scroll on my phone or read. Although I do like to go out for walks but I like to do that on my own.
My husband is exactly the same as me and as you describe your husband.
We sit in silence most evenings but we are both comfortable doing that, he likes gaming which doesn't interest me so I'll sit on my phone or go for a walk alone.
The difference is that suits both Dh and I down to the ground and neither of us expects anything to change.
The problem I see with your marriage is that you are very different to each other and you would like more than that.
The marriage you have can be bliss for someone and sounds like hell to another but the important thing is that you both get want from a marriage and it sounds like you are not content with yours.

Maybe this is exactly how your dh envisioned married life? But not what you had hoped?

I couldn't change if Dh asked me to and dh couldn't change either but our relationship works because we are both the way we are.

Thanks I have told him everything about how I've been feeling. PE is definitely very frustrating, I have asked him to visit the GP and go to the gym. As he hardly does any sort of exercise, he has very low libido.

He hasn't done anything of the above I asked him yet, but he has done more house chores and is spending more time with the kids. He told me he loves me very much and me and the girls are his everything.

It is true in a sense that he has no friends, he doesn't talk to his parents or families at all so we are really the only people he has.

You are absolutely right, it’s very difficult to find the spark back if I can’t accept the fact he is different from me and will never want the same thing as me