Is this a brush off?

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 2025-02-06T11:54:38+00:00

I was getting close to a guy at work... it was very clear we liked each other, but at the point where things were about to step up and cross the working relationship line we both left the company. Still in touch and keep in contact... but... im always the one reaching out, he replys straight away and matches my energy but never texts first.. he does sometimes tail off in the text conversations and ghosts me a little after a bit of back and forth. In our latest conversation (over text), i hinted about going for lunch and he said... he said "we should meet up once you are settled into your new job..." I said I'd love to meet once settled. My question is... is this a polite brush off? Or do you think there is intention there? Is the ball in his court now? Or mine? Do you think he's really interested... or just busy with his new job? Older in our 40s so not young and hoping that there is no playing games lurking here.

Shrinkingrose · 06/02/2025 12:03

I don’t think he’s feeling it op I’m sorry, it is one sided. He may have flirted but he’s not interested, if he was he’d jumped at meeting you.

move on, I’m sorry, stop reaching out, he is making it clear.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 06/02/2025 12:04

It seems like an excuse to not commit to anything - why would you need to settle into a job to see him socially? So yes, I'd take it as him letting me down gently.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/02/2025 12:04

If he never texts first then he really is not 'matching your energy'.

He probably quite likes you but not enough to really make an effort to keep in touch. If you back off he may come chasing but it won't last, he's just not that interested. No matter how busy a person is, they can find 10 seconds to text a person they fancy.

Shrinkingrose · 06/02/2025 12:12

I think you know though op.

The fact something didn’t happen was nothing to do with you both leaving the company, if you were both interested you’d have met up regardless.

he never reaches out to you.

he is putting you off and being friendly/polite. You know full well you don’t need to settle into a job to meet him, he’s kicking it into the long grass.

it is quite common when someone really fancies someone else they mistake them being friendly for them fancying them back. All it takes is a smile and a chat and they convince themselves they must fancy them too. Don’t feel bad about it.

this guy is giving you nothing, he isn’t matching your energy, he’s making it clear he’s not interested in that way and as said, I think you know it deep down.

Original poster

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 12:54

Right ok. Yes, I had suspected this was the case. Thanks for the reality check... I needed it.

OP posts:

Ruby0707 · 06/02/2025 14:54

If someone is interested in you, you will know about it.

Waterboatlass · 06/02/2025 15:02

Sorry but it sounds one sided. Nothing stopping him messaging you or asking you out. He's put it out there but in a very 'in the long grass' way. I'd reply to this in a way that definitely leaves it in his court 'great! Let me know when you're available '. And assume he's not interested.

something2say · 06/02/2025 15:16

Aww I'm sorry to read these replies, but I do agree with them. I think the only bloke worth having is the one who adores you. No WAY would a man really keen on you NOT ask you out. You wouldn't have to do anything.

What this situation does tell me is that you are ready to meet your ten out of ten, and you are getting attention. Now to find someone worthy of you xxxx

SpringBunnyHopHop · 06/02/2025 15:18

Are you giving him a chance to text first?
I think he’s only replying to be polite but stop messaging and see if he reaches out.

Original poster

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 15:35

SpringBunnyHopHop · 06/02/2025 15:18

Are you giving him a chance to text first?
I think he’s only replying to be polite but stop messaging and see if he reaches out.

I think so... conversations are now weeks apart. It's not an every/week thing. I reach out occasionally. So maybe 3 over the last 4 weeks. I appreciate he is busy with a new job so took that into account. But I think you are all right. I should park it and move on. I don't want to waste my time.

OP posts:

Shrinkingrose · 06/02/2025 15:40

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 15:35

I think so... conversations are now weeks apart. It's not an every/week thing. I reach out occasionally. So maybe 3 over the last 4 weeks. I appreciate he is busy with a new job so took that into account. But I think you are all right. I should park it and move on. I don't want to waste my time.

Show quote history

That’s actually quite a lot, it’s just a bit more than weekly texting him, and he’s even sometimes ghosting the convo or tailing off so doesn’t wish it to continue, and he batted the lunch idea away. And you know the fact he’s busy with a new job doesn’t mean he can’t text of an evening or weekend.

spunds like he’s a nice guy, but he’s not the one for you. Your lobster is out there,

username299 · 06/02/2025 15:42

If I'm interested in someone it's pretty obvious. I respond to messages, keep the conversation going and jump at the opportunity to meet up. When you're into someone you don't want someone else to jump in.

Original poster

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 16:04

Shrinkingrose · 06/02/2025 15:40

That’s actually quite a lot, it’s just a bit more than weekly texting him, and he’s even sometimes ghosting the convo or tailing off so doesn’t wish it to continue, and he batted the lunch idea away. And you know the fact he’s busy with a new job doesn’t mean he can’t text of an evening or weekend.

spunds like he’s a nice guy, but he’s not the one for you. Your lobster is out there,

Show quote history

Yes maybe it was a lot. I'm certainly just going to stop now and move on. I needed to hear all of this!

OP posts:

SpringBunnyHopHop · 06/02/2025 18:32

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 15:35

I think so... conversations are now weeks apart. It's not an every/week thing. I reach out occasionally. So maybe 3 over the last 4 weeks. I appreciate he is busy with a new job so took that into account. But I think you are all right. I should park it and move on. I don't want to waste my time.

Show quote history

Men are never too busy when they are interested.

Im glad you’re not going to waste anymore time.

bluebalou · 06/02/2025 18:35

I'd just leave him be, if he was interested you'd know , me. Love to pursue what they want.

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 19:22

I would say stop texting him first. And wait and see what he does.

i assume you talk frequently? If you text him first almost every day you’re not really giving him a chance to miss you and text you first.

I love an office romance and because I’m impatient I used to always text people first. I’ve flipped these situations around completely where the guy is now texting me first and I can see more clearly how bothered they are. At work, texting is something people often do to make the day go faster.

He may well be interested but put him into a situation where he needs to make the effort. Don’t get too attached, leave him be and perhaps leave the door slightly open if you really like him.

Original poster

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 20:46

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 19:22

I would say stop texting him first. And wait and see what he does.

i assume you talk frequently? If you text him first almost every day you’re not really giving him a chance to miss you and text you first.

I love an office romance and because I’m impatient I used to always text people first. I’ve flipped these situations around completely where the guy is now texting me first and I can see more clearly how bothered they are. At work, texting is something people often do to make the day go faster.

He may well be interested but put him into a situation where he needs to make the effort. Don’t get too attached, leave him be and perhaps leave the door slightly open if you really like him.

I'm not too attached really it was really early doors. And I guess aside from this, professionally, I wouldn't ignore him. But now I think I have some clarification that it won't come to anything.

I wouldn't suggest meeting someone if I didn't have the intention to do so. I wouldn't respond to it. But I know some people say they want to meet just to be polite with no intentionbehind it. Just not my style so wasn't sure.

OP posts:

Shrinkingrose · 07/02/2025 06:57

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 06/02/2025 20:46

I'm not too attached really it was really early doors. And I guess aside from this, professionally, I wouldn't ignore him. But now I think I have some clarification that it won't come to anything.

I wouldn't suggest meeting someone if I didn't have the intention to do so. I wouldn't respond to it. But I know some people say they want to meet just to be polite with no intentionbehind it. Just not my style so wasn't sure.

Show quote history

To be fair though, suggesting meeting someone is “fancy lunch on sat” or “shall we go out for dinner”, it isn’t we should have lunch when you’ve settled into your new role in response to the suggestion, thay is a very clear no done politely.

Original poster

Wakeupthedawnandaskherwhy · 07/02/2025 07:35

Shrinkingrose · 07/02/2025 06:57

To be fair though, suggesting meeting someone is “fancy lunch on sat” or “shall we go out for dinner”, it isn’t we should have lunch when you’ve settled into your new role in response to the suggestion, thay is a very clear no done politely.

Show quote history

I actually don't think it is clear though. Thats my point. I wouldn't have responded to the suggestion of meeting for lunch with "we should meet when...." if it were me and I wasn't interested... it isnt direct and gives a bit of mixed signals i think. Just ignore the suggestion and I would have got the message straight away! Know what I mean?

OP posts: