Paranoia or something weird?

[Notsosure1]

NC’d bc potentially outing.

I’m fully prepared to be labelled paranoid about this, in fact I hope I am. Something a bit odd happened this evening. We went to our local drive-thru, we often do to get a drink on the way home, and a young woman at the food window greeted my DH like a long lost friend. It felt really odd. Along the lines of “Hiiiiii! I haven’t see you for ages! How’ve you been? What you been up to?”

DH was polite but brief with his replies. The thing is, this is the second time this has happened, previous time was just before Christmas. I’d actually forgotten that had happened but I got the same unpleasant feeling I had back then and for some reason I didn’t look up either time bc I felt so uncomfortable.

The first time it happened I said that was pretty weird, and asked him why she spoke to him like that. He said he didn’t know. I remember him telling me another young woman would ‘chat’ to our DC who he’d take out for rides when they were small to let me sleep, and make a fuss and I decided not to make an issue of it. But this has really unsettled me.

One of the odd things was he referenced the one who made a fuss of DC by name, as he has with ppl working in a cafe he frequents to pick up coffees while we’re out shopping, but with the hyper-friendly one he claimed not to know her name. I asked why he knew the other but not her and he said the other wore a name badge. I pointed out they all do and he said nothing. He didn’t get angry but was mildly frustrated when I questioned him and I stopped, to gather my thoughts.

When we got home I could tell he was feeling guilty over something which again struck alarm bells. He’s been moody a lot lately (classic, I know) but tbf that’s been going on for years as he has a very stressful job and we have young DC’s. But tonight he’s been very attentive, as in offering to do little jobs and it sounds awful but ‘overly nice’.

I don’t want to make a massive thing of it but I can’t think of why she would talk to
him in this way unless they’ve been chatting a lot and built up some quasi friendship. She sounded fairly young and it probably a classic case of bored young woman making friendly conversation, but how much can you talk about in the time it takes to pick up a coffee/snack from a service window? If he’d said - yeah she’s really chatty and can be a bit OTT, or, she seemed to be having a lot of shifts while ago, or whatever, that would be something. But he doesn’t even act curious or even like it’s odd behaviour himself. Is it just me?

He’s not been guarded over his phone and lets DC’s play on it regularly. Also the fact she acts like she hasn’t encountered him for a while, both times - but how long is a while? I’m usually with him when we call in there, he wfh and doesn’t nip out all the time for illicit beverages to my knowledge.

The first time felt off, this does too. What would you do if you were me? Fully prepared to drop it, but if it happens again I’m tempted to join the conversation myself, but I don’t want to over-react. How would you guys feel, am I being paranoid?

She does seem over familiar, he would have to get a drive through a lot, maybe doesn't want to admit he had a daily burger habit or he knows her from somewhere else. When you say young woman, I guess there's no chance he dated her before you?
Perhaps he's more chatty to them when you're not with him, I don't think it necessarily means anything untoward other than him enjoying chatting with them and they just appreciate a nice customer?

Yes, @Notsosure1, what you witnessed is very odd, especially since it has happened twice. Her over-familiar greeting and his subsequent failure to offer an explanation or express curiosity … his claiming to not know her name, which is atypical of him … his looking guilty later and being uber attentive — all very strange. The whole dynamic made you instantly uncomfortable both times, which tells you that something was indeed amiss.

In my view, they have previously interacted for lengthier periods at either that venue or elsewhere. Is it possible that he sometimes goes inside to order instead of using the drive-thru? Perhaps she works a second job and they have talked there. Could they be chatting on SM?

As he was clearly attempting to distance himself from the situation and your questions, I would consider investigating his phone. And I would definitely talk to him again. It’s a good idea to join the conversation if this repeats.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I’m sorry i went awol - youngest DC is having sleep problems - maybe affecting my judgement. He’s been upset about his ‘dad tum’ for a while and is actively trying to lose it by eating better, he still has the occasional burger etc - I think it’s down to work stress and perhaps depression - early 40’s, 2 young kids, stressful job etc. I ask him regularly if he’s ok and to talk to me if and when he needs to. He’s been to therapy once under duress but didn’t think it was any good for him.

I can quite see how chatting to a young woman who is a stranger would be appealing as a form of ‘safe’ escapism… I guess it just took me by surprise her tone etc - like they had some kind of connection and rapport, if that makes sense. I don’t think he dated her before me, we’ve been together over a decade so she would have been very young 👀😳 but that was a good suggestion. I wondered if they knew each other from the past or somewhere myself.

I’ve mentioned to him before that he can come across as a bit pervy with his tone sometimes when we’ve been before - he never says anything untoward but on a couple of occasions he was giving off sad old man vibes (I didn’t call them that). It could simply be a case of a deluded middle aged bloke mistaking a bored young woman stuck at work, attempting to be friendly for being interested in him. It’s fairly 🙄🤢

It does sound a bit odd. The obvious thing is that he goes there a lot without your knowledge. Otherwise maybe he does know her from his past or she’s a friend of a friend type thing.

I don’t like the sound of his ‘pervy tone’ you refer to. What’s that about? Has he been trying to charm her or chat her up?

Hi, thanks for the reply, you’re quite right, he does go in there semi regularly, to use the loo or order when the car queue is too big. I wondered if they’d interacted in there myself, but she intimated that she hadn’t seen him for quite a while - but how long is a while? Weeks, months or days? But also - it sounded like she genuinely missed him. Why? Like I mentioned before I’ve had to point out his creepy tone before - he’s quite geeky in every day life and doesn’t often flirt with other women, but I have seen him do this before and noticed it a couple of
times there - nothing sleazy said, just the tone of his voice etc. ironically I had been going to a social event with my friends once a month and I mentioned when on a couple
of occasions two guys showed their interest, who were a lot younger than me - but I told him straight away as I thought it was bizarre/funny cringey - I wouldn’t keep
that from him. But he now wfh and I guess any innocent ‘banter’ he may have had with women there has stopped and he may miss chatting with ppl (of both sexes) in person?

Or maybe he’s just an irritating ‘old’ perv 🤷🏼‍♀️☺️😬

Thank you both for taking me seriously and not dismissing me as being OTT or irrational, I really appreciate it x

At the risk of drip feeding - a couple of friends of mine have mentioned the possibility that he is ND. He is a funny guy, which is what attracted me to him in the first place, and can talk to anyone - but he doesn’t go out of his way to chat ppl up at all or engage in idle flirtation. He mentioned to me a while ago that he thought one of the young women who worked there maybe had some work done recently and that another seems to have lost weight. I know this makes him sound really judgmental and gross discussing women’s bodies but it was more said as an observation with nothing else connected to it and we had been talking about fillers etc before.

The ‘Pervy’ tone was more like an obvious paying attention to a pretty young person in an eye-rollingly obvious way, I realise that makes me sound over sensitive, but it’s pretty obvious and makes him look sad/annoying, but he can do that in other situations where he says random things that are quotes from films and tv shows and most ppl look at him like he’s mad as they don’t know what he’s going on about. He can also bore ppl to death when he talks about topics that interest him and I try to delicately intervene as he has no idea he is doing it and the person he is talking to can appear bewildered/suicidal.

I think it’s likely that he may have done this with her, she was receptive to it so he felt like he’d found an appreciative audience? Who knows.

I think you’re being a bit paranoid. I have people who work in the local petrol station and the coffee shop who talk to me like we are long lost best friends. They just happen to be overly friendly and I happen to go there somewhat often over the course of several years. Maybe if this was the same woman who kept appearing where your Dh is, that would be weird. But it just sounds like over the top customer service to me. And then you pointed out and made it weird and then being paranoid started looking for all sorts of red flags that aren’t really there.

The people I talk to are mostly all women, but if one was a man and Dh got weird about me chatting with the guy at Costa, I’d probably act a bit off after too because I’d be annoyed and questioning if I did something wrong.

I totally get what you’re saying. I think wfh the last few years has meant that he probably makes the most of every fave to face social encounter. He chats to work colleagues over TEAMS every day but it isn’t the same is it. I get that.

It’s his weird behaviour after last night that’s making me 🤨 he’s being unusually nice and it’s carried on to this morning (I’m SAHM with our youngest DC at the moment). By that I mean checking I’m alright, offering to have DC later to give me a break, running errands - it’s not like he never does this but it doesn’t seem like he’s annoyed at all and it’s his demeanour - he’s usually stressed with work or barely talks to me in the morning as he’s grabbing a coffee and getting ready to work, but he’s been messaging me a fair bit while I’ve been with DC. Like he’s making an extra effort. So it’s easy to assume he feels bad/guilty over something. He’s acted like this before when he feels bad about something he’s done or said so it’s not me thinking this out of nowhere.

Like I said in my OP, I’m happy to be told I’m being paranoid and over reacting. I just wanted other ppl’s take on it. Thanks for the reply.

I think i would feel uncomfortable too, it suggests that he had been flirty with this woman which is disrespectful to you. But this woman can't have registered it as anything other than an innocent chat while waiting for the order otherwise she wouldn't have behaved so overly friendly in front of you. Some people are just naturally very bubbly and act like they have known someone years. It might simply be that.
As for your DHs behaviour once home. He might just be sensing that your full of thought 🤔 and different to how you normally are, making him extra attentive. I know when i'm quiet and in thought mode, my husband notices and offers to make a cup of tea etc.😂

Thanks very much for the reply, that’s really helpful. They all have been. I’m really grateful for other ppl’s perspectives. I’m conscious that I’m being a bit prickly now as it’s unsettled me and his behaviour is annoying me (I know, he can’t win I guess - we had a minor hiccup earlier when he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing. He always says there is something etc which pisses me off as he says exactly the same thing to me when I ask and expects me to drop it. Won’t accept that he looks and acts in an arse, but when I pointed this out this morning he said that’s a different situation 🙄 really hard to argue with someone like this.

I’ve decided to just try and put it out my mind til the wknd is over as we have lots of family activities planned and I don’t want there to be an atmosphere. It’s put me slightly on my guard though and I don’t want to say something embarrassing if this happens again - any suggestions anybody for such a situation??

I am always like that with my regular customers even male ones. I always say if I haven't seen them for a while. Ask them what they have been up to. Ask about work, holidays etc when serving them. It's just the way I am.

Thank you. I do get that, I can be chatty and warm myself and then think - I hope they didn’t get the wrong idea!

It’s just the fact it took me by surprise and it was as if I wasn’t there and i was witnessing something between two ppl who were closer than I imagined - I don’t know how much you can see from the window, whether I was obscured from vision. I’d like to think she knew I was there so was being like that as had nothing to hide and is like that with everyone, as you say.

Honestly I think you might be overthinking it. Chances are she finds your DH approachable, and he has been chatty. Nothing wrong there. Just because he is capable of being sociable and chatty when you are not there doesn't mean he is shagging people. Stop overthinking this. Your perception of his guilt could well be due to you making him overly aware of your disapproval.

I'm thinking paranoid in the face of it but you know him better than any of us!

I'd be more inclined to think he just visits there a lot more than you realise OR he used to in the past and this was the first time she had seen him in ages so would explain why she was asking what he's been up to?

Could she be the daughter of a friend? Or the sister of someone he used to date? Or the daughter of someone he used to date? Could he have worked with her somewhere in the past? Lots of scenarios that are innocent and could explain her being overly friendly! If anything illicit had been going on surely she would have acted like she didn't know him with you in the car too?

Thanks, yeah I didn’t think anything physical was occurring, it was just I’ve never experienced it before at a drive thru, and I guess there are other ppl that would see him/ a fair bit as we grab drinks one at home a lot, as I said. It was just the fact the chat was like they’d talked for longer than it takes to say “here’s your fries” and “cheers!” do you know what I mean?

I totally get that I’m coming across as jealous and possessive etc, I don’t mind who he talks to or if he has a laugh and wotnot, I never make a fuss when similar happens normally, it was the fact it was twice in a couple of months - not like 6 months apart or anything, and like they were matey (or she implied they were - he was being guarded) like a work colleague or someone who you’d pass the time of day with at a bus stop or on a dog walk etc. (we don't have a dog by the way and he has a car ☺️).

All possible scenarios, thanks.

I think if she was related to someone he knew he would have mentioned it. It was more like a private little ‘thing’ platonic or whatever that he’d clearly established there, and just felt a bit weird, bc like I said earlier I would mention something like that if it happened to me. I know we’re all different but he usually shares stuff like that too and will often mention ppl who work in cafes and places by name to say little things about their interactions. I can’t believe he didn’t know her name if he clocks everyone else’s and they’ve been chatting (somehow) for so long and so often.

Last night I was thinking if it happens again and she asks how he is I’d be tempted to lean over and say “More importantly, how have YOU been?” With a massive smile - to see how they both reacted, but I acknowledge this could come across as rather unhinged…

@Notsosure1 I just think sometimes it is really easy to overreact to a situation then try and link to similar events. I have had people be overly friendly towards me at times and thought what did I do to deserve that! Who knows these people probably get somewhat bored doing that job and dare eachother to flirt a bit maybe? There are lots of credible explanations if you think outside the box. And as soon as you make your DH aware that you are suspicious he will naturally change his behaviour which is bound to make you more suspicious!

I agree. I feel sorry for him in a way if it is a shared joke with work mates - I don’t think anything sinister is going on, just couldn’t see how the rapport had enveloped in these particular circs. I’ll sit on it and see if it happens again. If I’d said nothing or changed subject he may not have changed his behaviour at all, but it’s a dead give away when he makes an effort to be ‘nice’, and unfortunately it drives me up the wall bc it’s so obv guilt-driven 🤦‍♀️☺️ Boredom I do think plays a part, perhaps on both sides. I do get that. Thanks