Is lack of empathy a dealbreaker?

[Pieinsky]

I debated if this should be in AIbu/relationship/pet thread. It hits them all really, but ultimately it's a relationship issue that is gaslighting me into thinking I'm unreasonable over my dying beloved pet.
Background, met my partner walking dog, he has a dog too. We merged seamlessly into a lovely happy unit with us both, our 2 dogs and my teenaged dd. 5 years pass. Dd now independent and we have 2 10yr old dogs. They are the babies. Mine diagnosed with cancer 2months ago, told she has 2weeks now. I am heartbroken. I am a practical and level headed person 99% of time, have never had to deal with grief loss yet,even elderly parents alive. But this has hit hard. Guilt that I didn't find cancer earlier, can't fix it.
Partner 2 months ago was upset too. However it's like he has accepted it and tells me I should have accepted it too by now. Ironically his dog is his 'baby' (no children). I tell him I am struggling more than I thought I ever would. It genuinely feels like a part of the family is being taken and dynamic will change and I'm not OK with that. It sounds crazy I know. He told me today I have to realise it's a dog, we all die blah blah and I'm overly emotional.
I reply I never tell him how he should feel,think. That we all have our own opinions/feelings. That in all the time we have been together I have listened and never judged him. My god there has been tons of times!!!
I feel like I'm talking to an unrecognisable narcissist. Like the attention hasn't been on him. The caring sweet man I knew has no empathy for me or that he has used it up already and I'm supposed to think like him and accept it.
Who makes someone feel like they shouldn't be feeling worse than they are already! Now I have to hide my sadness for fear of an arguement about who's right or wrong!!! I'm questioning the whole relationship now.

That doesn't sound like a lack of empathy, it sounds like you each process grief, distress, and emotion differently.

I had a much loved but very elderly pet euthanised. The vet had warned us about 18 months beforehand that it was a matter of time and all that was really possible was managing the decline and making him as comfortable as we could. When the day came I stayed with him while my partner chose to remain outside the room. In the immediate aftermath my partner was devastated and inconsolable, I was perfectly calm and the only emotion I felt was relief.

I still understood my partner's distress, but the difference is I had accepted the inevitable months beforehand, did my grieving, and tried to enjoy the time remaining while I nursed the pet as much as I could, partner never really thought about it, so that when the day came it hit them much harder.

People absorb and process things differently, and some are just inherently more stoic and pragmatic than others, some are more overtly emotional.

Can't make head or tail of this - excuse pun! - without paragraphs, so then I just give up.

Sorry OP.

Sorry OP, I love my pets and I've lost a fair few. Aside from DC, I've lost all my family. Death and taxes are the only certainty in life as they say...not sure why you're punishing your DP for not responding in the same way as you...dare I say, it doesn't seem very empathetic.

There seems to be a common misconception that the person who us the most emotion is the most 'right' with the less demonstrative peson branded toxic, narcissistic etc. It seems emotionally immature tbh - perhaps that's because we're protected from the realities of life and death. Surely we all know when we get pets that they will likely die before us? Of course we grieve when it happens...but you seem to be angry with your partner, why? Because it's your dog and he still has his? It's your own dark feelings at play OP but if you don't address them, then yes, it's likely the end for the relationship.

We don’t know how much you have been going on about your grief. He may be a wonderfully empathetic man who simply reached his limit.

sometimes the only thing a partner can do in a time of real emotional turmoil is provide space. That person can’t be a constant emotional helper because they have to take care of their own feelings and mental
health as well.

The best support might be pitching in more around the house or with the children to give you time to wallow. It’s not always about just being there sharing feelings.

I think OP is feeling like he's invalidating her feelings & minimising them. He's expecting her to feel the same as him about it & she doesn't. And instead of supporting her or just being kind throughout it he's almost annoyed that's she's not over it yet & that this is affecting him, his enjoyment of things, their routine whatever. I find that quite selfish & whilst he doesn't have to be wrapping her in cotton wool & agonisingly comforting her constantly, he could at least let her feel her feelings & deal with it in her own way.

Please don't feel you can't grieve the loss of your beloved dog OP however it feels right to do. Losing a dog is as painful as losing a member of your family & it's a horrible thing to go through. I totally feel your pain & think he's being careless of your feelings (while probably thinking he's being helpful as may be worried or scared of your emotions - maybe he shuts down, internalises or avoids big emotions).
What is he like with expressing feelings or displays of them in general & have you expressed how him trying to impose his way of coping with it onto you is making you feel? It would make me snap tbh & tell him that I'm not him - which prob isn't helpful either but I'd feel equally frustrated at something so difficult & painful is being somehow made to feel unacceptable or inappropriate. If he calls his own dog his baby & they occupy a similar role in his life as one, would he feel ok if people told him it's time to get over their passing now, bcos it was only a human? Obvs tho you're feeling raw & so only natural to feel extra unsupported. But pple do have v differing ways of coping with grief - he just needs to respect that imo 💐

Sorry about your dog, op. 💐

What's he like when you're ill?

I have just lost my dog and it was and is devastating. It comes in waves. I have lost nearly two stone since it happened. I have had other close bereavements, but the unconditional nature of a dogs love, their constant presence means they leave the most enormous heartache and emptiness behind.

I understand the sickening pain of this op. I really do. But your dp has not shared your dogs life in the same way you have, he will of course deal with things differently to you. It sounds like he is trying to keep it in ‘perspective’ because the depth of your grief is worrying/scaring him. Maybe he has had other experiences of grief that have been traumatic, and sees animals as less than a loss of a human (I don’t agree)

It’s only a dealbreaker if you want it to be op. If he is kind and empathetic at all other times, this probably just means he finds it very hard to bear witness to your on going pain, and can’t do very much about it,

Msybe consider at some point a new little dog for your family in time? Or become a foster carer for the RSPCA? Nothing can replace your dog, nothing, and I am so sorry you are going through this,

I’m so sorry she is poorly. I remember the heartache well. It’s huge what you’re going through. Remember, dogs have wolf hearts and are braver than us. They live in the now and don’t feel sad like we do. You can get through this and it’s lovely that we can do so much for our pets.

Your partner on the other hand does sound quite black and white with this one but it’s hard to say just how much this is him dealing with with grief in a different way. I had a very kind and wonderful person tell me to get another dog that looks the same and even call it the same name as if that would be a solution! I was baffled like you are now.

Find someone who will listen and reassess things with him in the spring time. You’re too much in your own grief to make clear decisions now. Just have some nice days with your lovely dog for now.

Take care and no matter what your partner says, your dog would say thank you to you for being the best owner and for caring for her for so long.xx

P.S. The irony of someone above posting about your lack of paragraphs on a post about empathy! You couldn’t write it!

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely dog, I adore my pets and totally understand the level of grief you're feeling. They are members of the family, and it's heartbreaking to have to say goodbye.
www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss can offer some support if you feel like you need it.

I had similar from a partner, whereby he didn't understand why I found something distressing. This wasn't the death of a pet, but was something most people would understand to be very upsetting. Rather than understanding that not everybody reacts exactly like him, he completely invalidated my feelings (immediately, it's not as though I'd been going on about it), suggesting that being upset at all was an overreaction and that I shouldn't feel the way I did. Then he refused to engage at all, acting bored and changing the subject if it came up, regardless of how calm and logical I was being - I too hid my feelings because I didn't feel I could be open about it with him due to his judgement.

It felt like he didn't care at all; as though it was an inconvenience to him if I was having a hard time with something, despite me having supported him through his own difficult emotions around deaths and other stressful/upsetting incidents. I had previously believed he was kind, caring, and supportive, but this felt selfish and cold, and it made me reassess the whole relationship.

You don't have to have empathy for him 'processing grief differently' if he can't/won't do the same in return, and you don't need people to agree that this isn't an acceptable way to behave in your relationship if this is what it feels like to you. However, it'd be a dealbreaker for me OP, and YANBU if it is for you too.

Having just had my elderly cat PTS. I'm so sorry.

Your partner's lack of empathy is appalling. I strongly suspect that when the time comes it will hit him like a freight train.

Some people have no idea until they experience something for themselves. How you take your relationship forward really depends on what he's like the rest of the time, especially when he's/you're ill.

I’m sorry about your dog and I completely understand why you feel so devastated. I’ve had to do it a lot of times (we have a lot of dogs) and it never gets any easier.
In terms of your partner, I think sometimes some men can be a bit more…..practical.

What he is saying is technically correct, when you get a dog, all things being equal, you will outlive it. It’s the shittiest bit of dog ownership, but it’s always there.
He is unreasonable to tell you you are “too emotional” though. You feel what you feel, you are quite understandably very sad and he should respect that.

My DH loves our dogs as much as me and is always heartbroken when we have to lose one. He does recover quicker than me though (I’m usually useless for a few weeks, random episodes of tears etc) because his practical side kicks in and he accepts it was inevitable? He is sympathetic to my distress though (even though he once suggested we stop having dogs because I get so upset when they die - that went down like a cup of cold sick 🤬)
So, I don’t think this would be a dealbreaker, for me, if he’s a decent man in general.

I have read all comments. For taking the time to reply, I thank you. For those who are/have gone through a pet loss I am sorry to hear that too. AGNESx &Devon25 I hope you are doing OK.
It's helpful to hear experiences from others and to hear advice on how to view it from all sides.
I know nobody here knows my history or how I am on a regular basis and makes it hard to advise fully. My family and friends are great but I in general keep my relationship problems to myself. I am usually the one that is strong. With partner I am the one who sorts. So I could understand that he has never seen me crumble and doesn't know what to do.
I absolutely don't expect him to say all the right words or to tiptoe around me but as Dietingisdull said above he is minimising my feelingshow and making me feel even worse that I am not accepting it like him.
Very black and white and explains he has dealt with grief before me and can't understand my crumbling. He did say" if you are like this about the dog how will you be when parents die". That's such an unhelpful and unnecessary comment.
Speaking of unnecessary comments suburberphobe, I get humour can sometimes lighten a mood but I think right now that's a tastless pun.

Is he kind and supportive when you're unwell?

I couldn’t deal with it.

I lost one of my horses a couple of years ago and found it utterly traumatic. It was a sudden accident and I was in pieces for months. I was in between jobs but even if I weren’t, I imagine I’d of had to take time off sick. It put me in a very bad place.

My partner was utterly patient and understanding. That horse was my life and losing her in the way I did was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Heck I still had an evening last week where I dissolved into tears!

Pancakes, sorry to hear it still pains you.
I wouldn't have understood the grief and emotion until now.
Is he good usually or when I'm sick.?
He tries to be, comes across that he is. But there is an expiry date to it. I have had serious health issues early on in relationship. I deal with it by not letting people see me in pain or needing help. I know I can be too independent but I have had to, being a single parent before this.
I suppose I don't feel I can be vulnerable because everybody doesn't expect that from me and when I do they don't know what to do/say, I wish he would let me and I could trust him to be there emotionally for however long it takes. I would and have for him.

When I lost my girl to cancer, I couldn't speak her name for 5 yrs, without crying 😢 💔

How you feel is up to you and he can be more supportive