Husband stops engaging when stressed

[Cloakanddagger101]

My husband can get himself quite stressed when life has been a bit busy and he has had no downtime. This usually means that he needs a few hours or a day/night out of normal family life to recharge.

As long as it’s communicated well and it’s achievable around the kids it’s not a problem.

The issue is when he gets stressed he just stops communicating with me, doesn’t touch me, hardly looks at me and takes offence to everything I say but still manages discuss what needs to be, to put a front on at work, with the children, showing them affection and engaging with them etc etc.

On this occasion he got himself in this headspace the day before my birthday. We then spent my birthday together, he did everything a husband should do, wrapped my presents with the kids, made breakfast in bed etc etc. but there was an awkward atmosphere the whole day, he hardly made any conversation and I didn’t enjoy any of it because it felt like it was done because he had to, not because he wanted to. Next day he was back to hardly engaging with me.

Come the weekend DH declares he is stressed, gets some time to himself but the next day he is still being off with me.

I’m upset that I spent my birthday with my husband but felt so alone. I also really don’t want a row so I stop making conversation as anything I say is causing offence. I decide to just talk about what needs to be discussed until we can actually have a conversation that isn’t going to turn into a row.

Fast forward to tonight I get home from work and the builders have left their mugs on the front step. DH would have seen the mugs on the step when he went to collect the children from after school club. There was also a parcel in the porch that I’d been notified had been delivered hours before. When I open the door I ask why the parcel hadn’t been picked up, then get the mugs and bring them in. DH storms upstairs without saying anything.

I go up a little later and he starts telling me how unhappy he is that I asked him about the parcel, of course it wasn’t there when they came home. (Turns out to be true, it was delivered a few minutes later but the mugs definitely were).

I am honestly so sick of this whole atmosphere he is causing, now I’m apparently in the wrong for asking about the parcel. I’m making it all about me, giving him the cold shoulder when he is already stressed.

I really want to be a supportive wife but does that mean I just have to accept being treated like this? Have I been selfish by being upset about my birthday and should I have continued to try to engage with him, even though he was taking offence to everything I said?

No you shouldn’t put up with being treated like this. It sounds like emotional abuse to me. It’s training you to never question him, raise any concerns or express your feelings. It’s all about control. It’s about creating an atmosphere in the home that dictates your behaviour by having you walking on eggshells wondering when the next incident will create another problem. It keeps your focus on him and takes up all your headspace. Then when he turns it round on you he’s using DARVO so you become the problem and he becomes the victim. Look it up. This book might be helpful for understanding his behaviour and give you some clarity on the situation.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Maybe could have been less accusatory if you'd said something like 'I saw we missed a parcel, did you have a chance to collect it?' instead of 'why haven't you' which to me holds more negative connotation and critical undertones. His job if you like was to collect kids from club, I don't think mugs we're top priority and could have been sorted later on. Or if you knew parcel was missed, you could have collected on your way home as he was busy with kids. Just to play devil's advocate for perspective.

I’m really frustrated with myself for accusing him about the parcel, I feel like I engaged and gave him the argument he was clearly looking for.

I was just so frustrated that it appeared he’d walked past the mugs, stepped over the parcel which was literally infront of the front door and left it to me.

I was obviously wrong about the parcel, but he did do it with the mugs.

I think you both communicating really badly. Why have you not mentioned what is actually bothering you to him?

You've totally undermined yourself by having an outburst about the parcel and the mugs. If he has come in with the DC, he may not have had a hand free for mugs and then promptly forgot with the distraction of getting kids in the house and settled. Easier for you to pick them up coming in alone.

You need to talk to him about his behaviour and not allow yourself to vent over trivial annoyances.

I would be clear with him that regardless of how he is feeling you will not continue to walk on egg shells.
your poor kids are being exposed to this for days at a time when he is “ stressed” .
we all get stressed - he needs to start finding other ways to get it out and not Abusing you. I couldn’t live with this and I think you should start thinking if you and the kids deserve to live with this too

Did you have To go out to collect the parcel, or was if in the porch of your house?
The mugs aren't the hugest issue are they?

Sounds like poor communication from both of you. It's hard if he just shuts down when he's feeling overwhelmed or stressed, do you feel like he is doing it to punish you or control you, or just that he is really stressed and can't cope?
And if he's taking everything offensively when he's stressed, how are you communicating in those times? Are you also stressed?
I'm not really sure why you were so annoyed about the mugs and the parcel, he was probably just busy with the children (I'm usually carrying bags and all sorts bringing mine in so assume his hands were full?) and it's definitely not something I'd pick an argument over- and it was the second you arrived as well. If that type of communication "why didn't you bring this in" is typical, then I can kindof see why he's shutting down.

I think this tyre of communication is very confrontational and just very noisy around the truth of how you feel. You need to be very clear what your concerns are and discuss them during low stress times. Have a way to refer to these discus during these stressful times and give your partner space. He is working through some tough emotions of overwhelm trying to keep the peace and doing all the important things like collecting the kids. I think some more understanding better communication and avoiding these flash points may help long term if you want to stay together.

No, the mugs aren’t the hugest of issues nor is the parcel and that’s why I’m so frustrated that I raised it, when I know he’d use it to have the row he has clearly been looking for.

I didn’t go in all guns blazing, screaming or shouting. I just asked why it hadn’t been picked up. Was definitely accusatory and that’s my mistake and I guess linked to him telling me that morning that he was too busy to help with the washing this week. Meaning I have to find time to keep on top of it all.

The reason I haven’t spoken to him about how I’m feeling is because I know I’d get the exact reaction I got last night. Him telling me that I’m making this all about me, when he is already stressed adding to his stress. I was trying to do the whole give him space to sort himself out thing.

But if you complained about the parcel, and he walked upstairs without saying anything, then how is he the one looking for an argument?
It sounds like he's trying to avoid the argument.
You might be justified in being annoyed if you are having to do everything and he is saying he's too busy to help when he might actually be able to? But the way you are both communicating isn't healthy for either of you. Is he very busy and genuinely doesn't have the time? Or are you feeling frustrated because he's getting a lot more down time and you are feeling like you need a break as well?
I think you need to talk about these things during a lower stress time and make a plan that works for both of you rather than blowing up when you are both stressed out.

How busy and overwhelmed is he? When DH is very busy at work (working 14 - 18 hours Monday to Friday and 8 - 10 at weekends) there is little point in engaging with him as he just doesn't have the headspace. It's not intentional on his part. It's not emotional abuse or controlling behaviour or anything like that. He just doesn't have the capacity to engage. It's frustrating but, having worked in a similar role for years and reacted in a similar way and still having odd periods of intense pressure when I do the same thing, I know where he's coming from! In our early days together, I used to worry that it was because he no longer liked me/the DC but it's nothing to do with that. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment when we met up with some of his friends during one of these phases and he blanked them as much as he did me! It's simply lack of available capacity. He still does what he needs to do in terms of his regular drop offs & pick up and basic chores around the house but everything else is down to me. As I said, it's frustrating but he does get paid very well so it's part and parcel of what he does so I get on with it and enjoy the lifestyle we lead which is financed primarily by him. What is particularly annoying is when he is in the foothills of one of these phases and I tell him something thinking he is engaging but he isn't!

If it's only you he behaves in this way with then it is abusive. If he manages to control himself and be civil and connected with colleagues, friends and family but not with you then he is out of order and this needs to be dealt with.

Mine gets a bit like this when he has low bandwidth - we have had many the discussion after his bandwidth has increased. Although it has been hard to get it through to him how the behaviour affects me - it is negative and unproductive and is unacceptable to me in a loving partnership - he has taken it on board and makes a consistent effort to understand where it is coming from (his own less than positive processes) and pack it bloody well in.

It is hard though. If he can't or won't see it or work on it then couples counselling could help but he has to be willing. As others have said communication styles are important here and you could both be in a negative pattern. Ultimately though you do not deserve to be treated like this and some things need to change.

When I open the door I ask why the parcel hadn’t been picked up, then get the mugs and bring them in. DH storms upstairs without saying anything.

I understand your frustration but this is a definitely a communication between you issue.

Tbh, if my partner came home, opened the door and the first thing out of his mouth was a criticism (especially as it likely wasn't a first time incident given how frustrated you feel), I think I'd walk upstairs too.

As for the birthday present thing. He did what he knew you wanted. He was thinking of you but you've still criticised that. Maybe that took all his mental/emotional energy and he just didn't have the capacity for making light conversation and so it felt better to say nothing.

I tend to disengage too when I'm stressed - it's just how my brain works. Maybe he feels he has to put on a face at work and for the kids but can take his foot off the gas and give himself a bit of a break when it comes to you? (which isn't fair on you but it happens when people are overwhelmed). Maybe he's just a dick. No one can tell from this.

I'd agree with discussing this with him during a low stress time and sharing how you both really feel because it sounds like their is built up resentment on both sides that is just being ignored until a higher stress situation arises again.

I was trying to do the whole give him space to sort himself out thing.

And maybe that's what he was also doing when he went upstairs?

ExDH used to stonewall me like this too.

He’s not a bad guy actually, but this is one of the reasons he is an ex.

I have similar times to your partner (I'm autistic), where I'm overwhelmed and need a bit of time to sort myself out before being able to engage properly again. Having somebody who understands this is an absolute gift, and he should be appreciative of how understanding you are around his need for (what sounds like a lot of) downtime.

What would happen if you apologised for being accusatory about the parcel? Or if he had apologised for not bringing the mugs in?
If he's done something (like forgotten to pick up mugs, or reacted badly to something you've said) he needs to take responsibility for this, but it doesn't need to turn into an argument. It's worth remembering than being accused of something you haven't done can make people defensive; maybe cut him some slack for reacting badly to that.
He also needs to show you the same consideration when you're stressed and react in a way that isn't helpful (as long as you apologise).

It sounds like his 'stress' is the primary concern and this might be making him a little self-focused.
I agree with others that having a conversation about how to communicate in these sort of situations, at a time when there isn't any stress, would probably be helpful.

I'm not sure what's going on. What's stressing him out? Has he always been like this or has something triggered it?

Storming off seems to be an overreaction but I'm wondering if he's at the end of his tether.

You sound like perfect candidates for couple's counselling as you aren't communicating. He needs strategies to deal with stress and to make changes if he's always overwhelmed.

Walking on eggshells is completely unacceptable.

It's not really about the parcel though is it? I bet OP is expected to do the lions share of household tasks, the cups may seem small, but it's basically a case of OPs husband seeing it as the OPs job. I'm willing to bet OP has to ask her husband to do things, and he probably takes umbrage at being asked, rather than being an adult, seeing what needs doing and getting on and doing it.
If I'm wrong and Op and her husband have a 50/50 split of kid related stuff and house related stuff, then yes she handled it badly. But it would be a very unreasonable person to get huffy about one off cups and parcels unless there was more of a back story and this was the straw that broke the camels back.