What would you do

[jodes7001]

I am from California - I moved to England in 2005. The first man I met I fell madly for but he played a bit hard to get as he said he didn’t want to invest in a “foreign student” who will likely go home. I broke up with him after 6 months and didn’t talk to him for about 5 yrs. Fast forward almost 20 yrs later I am still in contact with this first boyfriend, we’ve been chatting for 15 yrs - nothing sexual but a connection. In those 5 years we didn’t talk he met a woman and they now have two kids together (been together for 12 yrs). I am now 40 and have two kids (3 and 5) and been with my partner for 7 yrs. This man has been telling me for almost 15 yrs that he wishes it was me he ended up with and that he is unhappy and going on men’s retreats and therapy etc. I met up with him the other day and he said he wants to leave his partner but it’s so hard for financial and children reasons. I feel the same way. We both said we don’t want to have an affair and don’t want to destroy two families but love each other still. I feel these thoughts are all consuming. Any advice appreciated.

Walk away , work on your marriage , or divorce but 20 years later man is probably not the one .
If he is , let him divorce .
You both need to navigate life away from partners and find out who you are as single people .
This has find a past love to fix the present written all over it .

He's had many years to make a decision to pursue a relationship with you - he didn't do that, he's now laying the groundwork for an affair imo.

Ahh you’re star crossed lovers!

no, of course you’re not, you’ve been having an emotional affair that your spouses would probably be hurt by if they knew.

stop it, walk way, focus on your marriage and that’s not enough then focus on how to improve your life.

It seems cruel on the children. Cut him off and focus on your own family. If he was with you he’d likely end up fantasising about his ex.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think he has any intentions of leaving his family. He may have feelings for you but he will try his hardest for this to become a physical affair before he leaves his wife and children.

You need to stop and think carefully about what you want. Is this man really worth destroying two families for? Do you think he is genuine and will leave his family?

Take some time and have some distance from this other man. See how you really feel with a clear head. If he truly loves you then surely he will understand and give you the time and space you need. In the meantime he can talk with his wife and you can talk to your partner and children.

Sometimes people fall out of love with their current partner and want something more in life. It’s a hard thing to do to leave your family but you need to do it because you want to, not just because of this man.

I have some advice. Block him and focus on your marriage.

Put this man aside for a moment...do you actually want to be with your husband?

So he didn't want to commit to you when you were both free
You walked away, good call, was going nowhere.
One of you got in contact with the other after 5 years, why?
Since then, you've both been maintaining a “connection”, aka having an emotional affair.
He's been going on about how his wife isn't the one and you were/are. For 15 years, when he has been living with his wife.
One of you initiated a recent face to face meeting, why?
So despite having had one meet up in 15 years, you both feel you want to be together. You don't know each other.
Neither of you want an affair (oh yeah?)

I think you have had insightful comments here about how this has find a past love to fix the present written all over it and about being star crossed lovers (not really)
It is easy to hold an over romanticised view of past loves, especially when current life and loves have become a bit humdrum.
Would you be thinking about leaving your husband if you'd not met up with this man?
Would you be going through all the turmoil of break up and disruption if this guy was just a fond memory, the one that got away, rather than whatever this is?

Stop messaging, realise it’s not 2005 and that in theory you are now both mature adults though acting like immature teenagers.

@jodes7001, you and OM have been betraying your Partners and children for years via your EA, which included you both voicing your regret at not ending up together. Think of how hurt and humiliated your Partners would be to read or hear those words, and to know how many years you two have selfishly invested in your illicit gratification.

Not only did you fail to shut down the disloyal chat when you both partnered with others, you have now escalated your infidelity by meeting in person and speaking like ill-fated lovers who are desperate to be together. Declaring that you wouldn’t have an affair is rich, as you’ve already been having one and have now ramped it up.

My advice is to close the window to OM and cut contact. Pour your energy into your relationship with your P, and invest in finding deep joy and satisfaction with your life with him and your small children. If you cannot sort it, end things in a decent and ethical manner … without the OM hovering. He’s really not a good guy, as evidenced by his playing games with you in the beginning, and then shitting on his P and children for 12 years, which you helped him do by entertaining it.

I'd cut contact with him and focus on your family.

Actions are all. Words mean nothing.

He's using you for ego kibbles and validation, while making it clear he will not leave his wife and family.

You are both behaving appallingly to your partners and the time spent pining over this man is time you should be investing in your children.

Block him, delete off all media and dare I say it, grow up!

You made your choices.

Grow up.

Live with them.

Try not to destroy other people's lives for your twoo wuv fantasies.

You don't want to have an affair? You already are. You're already betraying you partner.

I wouldn't have entertained this type of conversation from him for 15 minutes, let alone 15 years, You need to ask yourself if you are so desperate for attention that you'd jeopardise your family, or if you really were meant to be together. If you think you should be together, then you will break up two families.

Either way you can't go on having an affair. So, leave your DH or block the OM.